Dirty Old Men
Dirty Old Men
In the popular culture, mature gay men are characterized as anxious and depressed, lonely and isolated, over-sexed, and predatory of the young but rejected by them. These stereotypes persist even though repeatedly shown to be inaccurate.
Several models for “coming out” have been described. Most start with an early sense of “difference.” Next is experimentation with man on man sex, although initially considered “just sex,” not homosexual sex. The next step is coming out, i.e. public acknowledgment of being gay. This stage has become politicized so that some consider remaining closeted as ignorant, morally weak and shameful.
Where these models become problematic, is that they suggest that the final stage of “stabilization/commitment” can not occur with out public acknowledgment of one’s homosexuality. On the contrary, I have found that many men who are “passing” in the heterosexual world have made strong commitments in same sex relationships and do not wish to be part of “the gay scene.”
For many mature men, the process of coming out, when it occurs at all, is much different. For example, men who have been married often begin to come out on average 10 years later than men who have never been married.
Gay men have been described as:
- Stereotypical – closeted
- Passing – partitioning off their homosexual and heterosexual lives
- Affirmative – strong self-identification as gay
This suggests that the only acceptable solution is to have a strong and public self-identification as being gay.
Many mature men have careers and families in which oppression and threat of loss are considerable. Passing is adaptive and critical to avoid great loss, often real, sometimes imagined. Many have found that their sexual orientation was not central to their core self-identification.
Although men as they grow older often have stronger self-identification as homosexual, they may prefer not to be referred to as gay. One man said to me, “I can’t be gay! I love my family and sports too much.” Research that focuses on “gay” men has excluded many men who have same sex attractions and sexual behaviors.
Although the sense of difference and experimentation with homosexual behaviors appear to be a part of most gay men’s lives, it seems to me that the next stage in development is to de-construct the internal myths about homosexuality by a conscious re-evaluation of those values given to us by family, religion and society. Then one can re-construct a value system, internally based, on a much more personal choice of what it means, as Erickson described, to have an inherent sense of goodness and a life which is perceived as meaningful.
Once that process is complete, a man can open himself to a committed relationship with another man. Gay society and society at large must recognize that there is not one normative life course. What is true about all mature men who experience a sexual attraction toward other men, is that there is nothing true about all of them.
Many mature men I have met prefer to label themselves as Bisexual – but when asked whom they fantasize about it’s invariably men – even if they are married and have had children.
Their view of homosexuality is enforced by the media which only features flamboyant, camp men, whereas the majority of gay men don’t fit this stereotype.
A more appropriate term for these men who label themselves as bisexual, but who have sex exclusively with other men is “men who have sex with men,” a term created by the CDC which is aware there are many men who have sex with men but cannot identify with the gay self-identity. Many men avoid self-declaration because they cannot identify with the gay subculture. They may be married men, some still heterosexually active with their spouses.
One of the primary reasons for this is that children play a central role in their life, and they wish to conceal their sexual orientaton because they fear losing these relationships. Career choices also play a role as does religious tradition. When they do decide to come out, the often discover they have lost far less than they anticipated, but for some, concealment feels like the only option. Often the gay community is not very supportive of them and see them as lacking in self-actualization. Each individual’s coming out is more like a trajectory, influenced by many factors, rather than a linear progression through various, “universal” stages as has been described.
For some, “bisexual” is a safer label to use to describe what they do. Men often use the label to describe their sexual behavior, but it often does not define a core belief about who they are.
Usually, when people self-define as “gay,” they describe something which penetrates every aspect of their being. It is much more than just whom they choose to have sex with.
The Center for Disease Control uses the awkward term “Men who have sex with Men” or MSM do describe men who enjoy sex with other men, but who for many reasons do not see themselves as “gay.” Often men avoid the gay label because they subscribe to the stereotype of what being gay is rather than what it actually is.
In order to have a strong positive self-identity as a gay man or woman, one must first shed themselves from their own belief in the stereotypes.