I was speaking to Catherine Turner at the Services and Advocacy for GLBT Elders (SAGE) office in New York City where I had gone to discuss my book about coming out in mid-life.  She said that one of their young male staffers had made that comment when they were discussing older LGBT coming out.

I told the story to my agent the next day.  She’s a little younger than me, but close enough in age to see the humor in the young man’s comment.  He made three mistakes:

1. Forty is just the beginning of middle age.

2. Men and women have sex far beyond forty years of age.

3. Being gay is about far more than just having sex.

As a man who came out at forty, I had heard the comment that men were over-the-gay-hill when they turned thirty.  I was already 10 years behind the curve.  The image of the physically fit twenty-something man does fit the stereotype (which gay people have bought into as much as heterosexuals) but it certainly does not fit reality.

 Frank Kameny’s collection of gay rights memorabilia, on display in Washington D.C.

Although sexual functioning does begin to change as people get older, in fact, for many it improves.  As one matures, sexuality expands beyond just an orgasm to incorporate a much larger idea of what love-making is about.  In fact, that often forms the basis for relationships of younger men with older men.

With men and women living to be much older than they did before, forty is barely middle-age.  The fifth decade more aptly defines middle age and some have identified it as the most stressful decade of men’s lives (a little younger for women).

During the fifties men begin to feel the impact of middle age a little more:

•  
  • Aging of parents
  • Changes in health
  • Obituaries are scanned for the names of friends
  • Careers plateau
  • Physical changes become more noticeable
  • Changes in sexual function

As men mature, sex does diminish as the organizing force of one’s life and there is a greater sense of mastery and autonomy.  As men become older they may begin to distance themselves from an all-encompassing gay identity, and their identity is integrated with all other aspects of their lives.  Men who have concealed their sexual orientation may face a new sense of urgency about coming out, and may have a less concern about the losses they have feared would come with public disclosure.

As one passes through that fifth decade, it is possible to enjoy a new sense of freedom not experienced by younger men.  I would love to have a conversation with that young SAGE staffer.