Archive for November, 2009
Purgatory: Not Gay Enough to be Gay; not Straight Enough to be Straight
Michael B. Hamar, an attorney who came out in mid-life, writes the blog Michael-In-Norfolk, which includes his thoughts about coming out in mid-life, life, love, religion, politics and current events (and a few pictures.)
He made the following comment, “As I have discovered through this blog there are MANY, MANY men struggling to “come out” in mid-life or otherwise come to terms with the sexuality.”
He asked me to make a contribution to his blog about ex-gay ministries and reparative therapy. Through a deliberate mischaracterization of homosexuality and accusing the LGBT community of some non-existent agenda intended to recruit innocent people into the “life style,” organizations like the Family Research Council, the National Organization for Marriage and the Christian Coalition have exaggerated and distorted the issues, extending the time for those stuck in same-sex purgatory. (Pictured is Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council.)
To see his blog and to read my article, click this link from Friday, November 27, 2009 (below the photo) http://michael-in-norfolk.blogspot.com/2009/11/purgatory-of-straight-men-who-have-sex.html
I hope you’ll check it out.
Public Policy Issues Affecting LGBT Elders
Outing Age 2010: Public Policy Issues Affecting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) Elders is an update to the groundbreaking Outing Age report issued in 2000. Like its predecessor, Outing Age 2010 presents an in-depth look at public policy issues and challenges facing millions of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in the United States as they get older. It also includes detailed policy recommendations.
HRC Buying for Equality 2010
Buying for Equality 2010 helps us support businesses that support us with every purchase we make.More than 300,000 people have used Buying for Equality to make informed purchases. You can do your part to support fair-minded businesses — download the guide or request a copy to be sent to you
‘We love you, this won’t change a thing’
We should all celebrate this story. It is important because of Brendan’s courage and because of his father, Brian’s, acceptance. When high profile people demonstrate such enlightened response to coming out, we all benefit from it. Loren Olson
“I hope the day comes, and soon, when this is not a story.” — Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke
But, now, telling your secret to Dad is another story. Molly’s reassuring hand guides you to the couch for the moment of truth. It’s time to tell Dad, a most public example of hockey machismo, that you are gay.
Finally, you say it. Awkwardly. You basically stumble along trying not to make it a big deal before just blurting out, “And I love you guys and wanted to tell you that I’m gay.”
There is a brief silence.
Dad is surprised when you tell him that you are gay. He never suspected at all.
Your stepmom speaks first: “OK, Brendan, that’s OK.” And gives you a reassuring smile. Then your dad says, “Of course, we still love you. This won’t change a thing.”
By John Buccigross
ESPN.com
For the rest of this story, originally posted on ESPN, click this link: http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/columns/story?columnist=buccigross_john&id=4685761
Straight Talk for Gay Men about Testosterone – Part III
This is Part III of a three part series on Testosterone and Sexual Functioning
Part I addressed the decline of testosterone over the course of man’s lifespan and how this decline has a role in decreased sexual functioning, and Part II addressed more specifically those sexual changes. This final section, Part III will address therapy for testosterone decline.
Testosterone therapy can help relieve the symptoms of testosterone decline, whether it comes from aging or other causes but it remains unclear whether or not restoring testosterone to youthful levels will be of benefit. Debate continues, and research may eventually answer some of these questions.
Only a few, small, short-term studies have examined whether or not testosterone therapy might improve mental function in healthy older men, but studies have found some connection between higher testosterone levels and better performance on cognitive tests.
Testosterone replacement is not a magical solution to the problems of aging. Symptoms can include fatigue, weakness and sexual dysfunction. Because these symptoms are non-specific to testosterone decline, they may be the result of other problems. It must be accompanied by life style changes that focus on diet and exercise. In some cases antidepressants may be indicated. Treatment must also address the impact of side effects of medications, and in particular drug interactions. When sexual dysfunction is primarily related to psychological reasons, counseling may be required.
If testing reveals that testosterone levels are low, replacement therapy should be considered, and it can be accomplished in a variety of ways: Injection, patches or a gel which is spread on the skin. Therapy may restore levels without improving the symptoms attributed to testosterone decline, and as with all medications, a consideration must be made of the balance between risks and benefits.
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Testosterone is often equated in the popular culture with the macho male physique and virility, and is viewed by some as an anti-aging tonic. It is important to remember that the growth in its reputation and increased use has been out-paced by scientific evidence about the potential benefits and risks.
Testosterone replacement therapy is contraindicated in men with known prostatic cancer. Transfer of testosterone to others (and to pets) through skin-to-skin contact must be avoided; it can produce fetal harm and contact with it should be avoided by women who are or can become pregnant. Careful monitoring by your physician may be needed if you are taking insulin, steroids or medications which slow blood clotting. It is important to inform all of your health care providers that you are taking the medication, and laboratory test values may be affected.
Testosterone replacement therapy can be expensive, and it may not be covered by all insurance plans.
Research thus far does not prove that testosterone supplements can reverse cognitive or sexual decline as men get older. Larger randomized clinical trials in older men will need to be completed before we can say with confidence that testosterone supplements are beneficial and safe
Straight Talk for Gay Men about Testosterone – Part II
Research has established that there is a connection between sexual satisfaction and overall life satisfaction; it has not addressed whether or not diminished sexual satisfaction is a greater concern for homosexual men than it is for heterosexual men. Part I addressed the decline of testosterone over the course of man’s lifespan and how this decline has a role in decreased sexual functioning. In this part, I will address more specifically those sexual changes.
(Photographer Joe Oppedisano captures raw masculinity that fuels the imagination and the libido in his photo book “Testosterone.”)
There are four major “domains” of male sexual function:
- Sex drive
- Erectile functioning
- Ejaculatory functioning
- General sexual satisfaction
In my research, the most common area of concern was erectile functioning. Diminished sexual drive and general sexual satisfaction were of some concern, and ejaculatory functioning was of very little concern among the mature men who have sex with other men that I surveyed. Perhaps the most interesting find in my research of mature men who have sex with men was that although sexual function declines with age, older men did not experience a decline in their sexual satisfaction.
Preoccupation with erectile functioning has not gone unnoticed by the health products industry. “Viagra” was a drug marketer’s dream. Following its introduction, the brand name, “Viagra,” like “Tylenol” and “Prozac” were words taken immediately into our vocabulary.
With its promise to men to be able to have sex any where, any time and with anyone, the use of Viagra exploded. Clever marketing converted one of its major risks, priapism, to an apparent strength; men began to hope they might be the one to have an erection that lasted 3 hours and 59 minutes.
Erectile dysfunction(ED) affects over 52 million men. Erectile difficulty happens occasionally to every man. If a man fails to have an erection less than 20% of time, he does not have the clinical diagnosis of ED, but a man who fails to have one over 50% of the time, would definitely carry that diagnosis.
Erectile problems occur for a variety of reasons, including stress, fatigue, alcohol and conflict in relationships. It also occurs more frequently with age as testosterone declines. As one matures, sexual arousal is slower, generally requires greater stimulation, recovery time between sexual encounters is longer, and distractions like painful joints lead to erectile failure more frequently. However, erectile failure should never be considered “normal.”
One of the major issues effecting sexual functioning is “performance anxiety.” Men are socialized to believe that real men don’t fail at sex. Once a man has struggled with achieving an erection, he often begins to become preoccupied with a fear of failure. This fear begins to displace the focus on pleasure, and further interferes with sexual functioning.
Once that concern – Will I be able to get it up? – enters the mind, in most cases the struggle accelerates. Some men, once the thought they might fail to maintain their erection, begin to try to increase the pace of the sexual encounter, the problem escalates even further. Fear of failure often leads to avoidance of sex in a relationship.
To determine if declining testosterone levels are a factor in erectile functioning, a man should see his doctor for a physical exam, including a rectal for examination of the prostate. In most cases, laboratory studies will be done that include:
- Testosterone level
- Thyroid function
- Luteinizing hormone (a pituitary hormone which tells the testes to produce more testosterone)
- PSA (for prostate cancer)
When testosterone is bound to protein in the blood, it has essentially no effect on the brain, so testing may include a test for the “bio-available” testosterone.
In Part III, I will address what to do if testosterone levels are low.
Straight Talk for Gay Men about Testosterone
As testosterone levels decline with age, it can lead to some problems which are often attributed to age alone. Symptoms which have been associated with a deficiency of testosterone include:- Decreased sexual function
- Lower vitality
- Loss of muscle mass and strength
- Increased fat mass
- Memory loss
- Mood changes and depression
- Loss of bone density
- Anemia
- Cardiovascular disease
These symptoms are sometimes associated with testosterone deficiency, but can be present with normal levels of testosterone, and in some cases, may not occur significantly even when testosterone levels are low.
Testosterone, sometimes referred to as “androgen,” is a hormone produced in large amounts in the testicles (testes) with smaller amounts produced in the adrenal glands. (In women, some is produced in the ovaries.)
As anyone who has been an adolescent boy knows, production peaks in the teens and early 20’s. (Remember the fear of getting an erection while reciting in front of the class or of having one during your football physical?)
The issue of “male menopause” is one which doctors debate. In women, menopause occurs when hormone production stops completely, but for men, hormone production falls, but it does not stop. Men don’t run out of testosterone, but it does decline with age. Levels of testosterone continue to remain high between ages 20 to 40, but somewhere about 45-50, levels begin to decline, with a fairly dramatic decline occurring after age 70. Testosterone and memory begin their decline at about the same time. Testosterone levels also can be reduced with some diseases like diabetes and liver disease, chronic alcohol use and some cancer treatments.
When we think about the characteristics of testosterone, we usually think about its sexual power rather than its potential impact on mental processes. All the body’s attributes change with age, unfortunately, and mental functions are no exception. As one gets older, new learning is slower, new information is processed less carefully and details often slip away. Memory is the most fragile of mental functioning. Research suggests that testosterone levels may affect men’s cognitive performance.
- The Marlboro Man
The promises that testosterone might be an anti-aging tonic are particularly appealing for men who are maturing and experiencing some decline in their sexual functioning, sagging muscles and energy. Still, the iconic image of the Marlboro man is fixed in our brains, Viagra is used like “poppers,” and the promotion of “sexual enhancement” products has exploded, as industry plays upon our fears. (This early Marlboro Man ad from 1955 features the slogan: “The filter doesn’t get between you and the flavor!”)
Talking about sexual function and gay men runs some risk because there are those who think that sex is all gay men think about and talk about. Although we do struggle to shed that stereotype, in some ways sex does define us. After all it is homo-SEXUALITY, not homo-PHILIA. Sometimes, even when the “philia” is functioning perfectly well, the sexual part does not.
Testosterone helps maintain sex drive and sperm production and most men are capable of impregnating well into late life. One of the interesting findings in my research of mature men who have sex with men is that although sexual function may decline with age, sexual satisfaction often does not decline.
In Part II, I will address the specific changes related to sexual functioning.
Backers of Gay Marriage Call Opponents Bigots
Iowa and the New American Gothic
Doug and I are very lucky to live in Iowa where gay marriage is legal. We were married in at Plymouth Church UCC which is open and affirming. Over 300 friends came to celebrate our same sex wedding.
Many of those friends are heterosexual, some quite conservative and probably have difficulty understanding why marriage equality is so important to the LGBT community. Some of our friends just couldn’t come because of their beliefs.
It was our hope that all of those who knew about our marriage learned what it was about: A wish to have our relationship blessed by our church, a desire to ask each other’s family to include each of us as full members in the other’s family, but mostly, a wish to publically declare our love and commitment.
We were also aware that our marriage had political implications. Our wedding announcement was published in the New York Times, and we heard from people across the country, some whom we know and other’s we don’t.
I am not a big fan of the term “homo-phobia,” for the reasons expressed in the article shown below. I think for the most part, many people are “homo-naive.” Before she died, my mother worked hard to understand our relationship. She loved Doug as much as she loved me, but she had no frame of reference for understanding. Unfortunately, the pastor of her Lutheran church was not much help, but I think she would have celebrated the recent decision by ELCA to allow gay pastors.
One advantage of growing older is to understand that change, especially social change, occurs slowly. It is driven by the passion and impatience of the young, and many of those members of the younger LGBT community are hurt and angry that the public has turned back their efforts for marriage equality. But change will come. This week Argentina became the first latin American country to allow gay marriage.
The following article, called “Backers of Gay Marriage Stumble,” by Jeff Jacoby, appeared in the Boston Globe and immediately generated over 600 comments. Whether or not opponents of gay marriage are bigots, calling them bigots will be counter-productive. While it is impossible to argue with ideologies, name calling simply reinforces the polarization. Attitudes will change as people begin to understand the true nature of our relationships, and that we wish to support, not undermine, the institution of marriage.
ON ELECTION DAY, voters in Maine repealed a six-month-old state law authorizing same-sex marriage. Maine was the 31st state in which the legal definition of marriage was put to a vote, and the 31st in which voters rejected gay marriage. And once again, the response from many on the losing side was bitter.
“Bigotry trumps compassion,’’ wrote commentator Michael Stone, calling the vote “a shameful display of ignorance, bigotry, and hate.’’ In the Maine Campus, the newspaper of the University of Maine, columnist Samantha Hansen denounced the voters who “let hatred, confusion, misinformation, and ignorance emerge victorious over liberty.’’ When will it occur to supporters of same-sex marriage that they do their cause no good by characterizing those who disagree with them as haters, bigots, and ignorant homophobes?
For the entire article and over 600 comments, see Wedded to Vitriol
My Grandpa Married a Man: What Will They Say?
I was very concerned about how my grandchildren would react to the idea that my partner and I would be married in September 2009, so I wrote this essay that was originally posted on Gay Agenda in June 2009.