Archive for December, 2009
LGBT as Care-Givers and as Care-Receivers
I had always thought that I would die before my husband, that is, until the younger partner of a gay couple in our circle of friends died, leaving the older partner as a care-giver, and then alone. I am almost 15 years older than Doug is, and my own life experience had suggested to me that the longevity of men in my family was tenuous at best. I had tried to take care of things like long term care insurance to ease the pain of his being my care-giver when the time came, but I had not prepared well for the alternative of me out-living and caring for him.
I am not so selfish that I wouldn’t want to be Doug’s care provider; my life’s work has been caring for others. I simply hadn’t thought of it. But however life unfolds for us, Doug and I are fortunate that we have each other and also families who are supportive and will be there for us when that time comes.
A study done by Met Life about aging LGBT seniors found that a very high percentage of us expect to take on the role of care-givers:
LGBT Expectations for the Need to be a Care Provider
Care for a partner 59%
Care for a parent 35%
Care for a friend 20%
The Canberra (Australia) Times recently (December 30, 2009) published the results of their Senate’s inquiry into the needs of the LGBT elderly. They found much higher levels of loneliness suffered by sexual minorities, and that policies related to the care of the elderly did not address the specific health care needs of LGBT seniors, or their social, legal and financial needs. The Australian Senate’s inquiry identified these problems: social isolation, depression, suicide, and lack of supportive health care services.
At least the Australians are beginning to address the problem. Here in the U. S. where there is institutionalized discrimination against the LGBT community, our leadership would seem to wish to ignore us. The problems of the gay elderly are of increasing concern as gay baby boomers, born between 1946 and l964, cross that boundary into late-life.
In my own research related to gay men, the years between age 40 and 60 were identified as the most stressful. During those years, men begin to develop their own health care problems, they must deal with aging parents, and those who have not come out earlier in life are struggling to deal with the pressures of their earlier denied sexual orientation.
Many LGBT seniors have confronted tension and even rejection from their families of origin. Some have developed “families of choice,” friendships which are like a second family. Several years ago a friend of ours was dying of HIV. He was completely estranged from his family – until he died, when they all came to claim his possessions – and his circle of friends, with Hospice help, allowing him to die at home as he wished. Others are not so fortunate to have that many dedicated friends.
Fears of the LGBT elderly that were identified in the Met Life study included: fears about their own future care, financial concerns especially related to how to find a competent care provider and how to pay for it, loss of independence, being a burden to others, the quality of care they will receive and concerns about bigotry and abuse in the care-giving situation.
Gay seniors also expressed fears of future health care providers: fears of being judged or pitied, fears of avoidance of physical contact, fears of being the object of harassment or curiosity, betrayal of confidences and fears of out-right rejection. Although not included in the Met Life study, gay couples in states without marriage equality also fear being unable to be involved in their spouses care.
LGBT seniors who may be in a position to provide care also fear not having the financial means, or the emotional and physical strength for the task.
Gay seniors grew up in a world which was openly hostile to same sex relationships, and because of this, many learned to blend into a heterosexual world, often attempting to “pass” as heterosexual. Unfortunately, this contributes to a lack of strong advocacy for our needs. In our weak economy and in a society which still prefers to believe we don’t exist, the needs of gay seniors will be a very low priority unless we begin to create some real noise. Not only must we address our own needs but also the needs of those LGBT who live in loneliness and isolation.
My Greatest Revelation was How Normal Gay Men Are
I received the following correspondence from “Ed.” I think his remarks are so important that I have asked for his permission to reprint them here for you, and he has agreed. Ed’s letter follows:
I read with interest the postings about not knowing one’s true orientation until late in life and the related comments about bisexuality.
I was raised in an environment (rural, Midwest, conservative in the 1940’s and 1950’s) where homosexuality was never acknowledged or talked about…..hell, any kind of sexuality was not really ever talked about. The accepted way of life was to date, get married, get a job and have kids. There were no other options that I was ever made aware of.
There was no internet that could have been a vehicle for exploration. So, I did what was expected of me. I got married after college and ultimately had three kids. I always knew I was a little “different”;
I felt more comfortable around older men, but I really don’t think I ever thought about my difference in a sexual way.
I believe I was a good husband and father. I was so busy with family and career that the thought that I might have other sexual interests just never occurred to me. I was married for over 30 years when my wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor and subsequently died. I still didn’t venture out of my heterosexual shell until my kids were on their own and I had time to reflect.
Coincident with these events was my exposure to the internet and the wide range of sexual information available at the click of a mouse. To my surprise, I found myself interested, stimulated in fact, by pictures and videos of older men. I started to explore the concept of bisexuality and decided that this was a label that perhaps I could live with. It allowed me to keep one foot in the hetero world in which I had spent my life.
I dated women a little but had no interest in anything sexual. I always had an excuse for why I wasn’t interested. At the same time, I had no idea how to pursue gay relationships. I knew no one who was gay, other than a cousin who lived in San Francisco, who was openly gay and very flamboyant. I thought all gays were flamboyant and that certainly wasn’t who I was.
Around this time I made the acquaintance of a man my age (late 50’s) who confided to me that he was bisexual. After some discussion and persuasion, he convinced me to give m2m sex a try. I was certainly curious by then, and the experience was certainly enjoyable. I still, however, thought of myself as bisexual and, when pressed in chat rooms, self identified as such.
It’s taken until fairly recently for me to finally figure out that I am really gay, not bisexual. So, it took me until age 65 to finally come to terms with who I am. I have no interest in sex with women….don’t think I could ever “get it up” with a woman and am now comfortable in my own skin.
I say that, fully recognizing that I am still not out to my kids, my hetero friends and people in the community in which I live. That might come at some point, but I see no reason to push that issue. Were I ever to partner (unlikely) I suppose coming out could be a next step, but I don’t feel any need to bare that information publicly at this point.
On the subject of bisexuality, I certainly used it as a transition and I suspect that that is the case with many men who use that label. I have only known one man who I would say is truly bisexual.
He and his wife are active sexually and he also is active in m2m circles and seems to function well in both environments.
Most of the other guys I know who use the bisexual label, enjoy m2m a lot and talk about wives who are no longer interested in sex as their reason for pursuing m2m. I’m always interested to hear that having sex with another man is not considered cheating on their wives.
The other revelation for me is how “normal” gay men are. While there certainly are flamboyant gays, the vast majority of us are not discernibly different from our hetero friends. We’re masculine, interested in sports, function seamlessly in all aspects of society and live pretty normal lives. That stands as perhaps my biggest “Eureka” moment as I’ve gone through this discovery process.
Jack Mackenroth (pictured) took home 8 medals for swimming during this year’s World Outgames held in Copenhagen.
Why Do All Boys Like Football?
I was returning home from the movies with my three granddaughters, when the oldest, who is one day short of being ten, asked me, “How come all boys like football?”
We had just been to see “The Princess and the Frog” and had been discussing the best and the worst parts of that movie. I was pleased that they seemed to understand the movie’s depiction of the differences between growing up rich and growing up poor, and the point made of how girls “from a background like yours” – poor and African American — must be careful not to dream too large.
They loved the song, “Dig a Little Deeper,” and seemed to understand that we all must dig deep within ourselves to understand who we are and what values are important to us.
More than just a story about a handsome prince and a beautiful prince, the story also suggested that success was really about hard work and loving other people. I particularly enjoyed the subtext about the social benefits of sharing meals with family and friends, and it was fun to experience the music, cuisine and atmosphere of New Orleans.
Then came the question about football, “How come all boys like football?” Their father had gone with a group of his friends to see the Cleveland Browns play, in one of the most traditional of all male bonding experiences.
Having always preferred a movie to a football game, I responded to my granddaughter in generic fashion, “They don’t. Not all boys do like football.”
“But Grandpa, if they don’t like football, they have to pretend they do. Otherwise the other boys make fun of them.”
“Yes, that’s true,” I responded, remembering how I have tried to have a few key sports phrases available to insert into conversations with other men so that I didn’t feel completely marginalized.
Then she said, “It seems to me that boys get teased more if they don’t like football, or if they do things other boys don’t like. Boys are afraid they will be left out or won’t be that important. They don’t do that to girls as much. I like to play football and kick ball and they don’t tease me. But if a boy wants to play with dolls, they treat them awful.”
I love the return from overly-digitalized animation to the 2D hand-drawn, which was beautifully done. In the movie, the voodoo man Dr. Facilier attempts to use Prince Naveen as his puppet in order to take over New Orleans, but the Prince and Tiana stay true to themselves. It is a well-told even if well-worn story.
I asked my granddaughter how her comment about boys having to pretend to like football was like the movie. She replied, “Sometimes it’s very important to remain true to who you really are, even when it’s very, very hard to do it.”
Sometimes we congratulate ourselves on how far we’ve come with acceptance of differences in sexual orientation. But my granddaughter has reminded me that there are still little boys growing up with the same pain that haunted me as a little boy who didn’t like football, boys who are afraid to dream because their dreams don’t match with their background.
Gay=Sin Video
Matt Brown made this video which juxtaposes the beauty of central Washington and the with anti-gay rhetoric.
He wrote, “As I was editing, I heard multiple anti-gay marriage commercials on the TV behind me saying that gays will ruin other people’s lives if they get married and that it’s a negative thing. So, as I saw the contrast of all the smiling faces in my footage and hateful, lying words on the screen and I had the idea of blending the two together to show the truth beyond their words. I combed the internet to record the sound of the preachers, protesters, politicians, etc., spewing the flame of hatred out of their mouths.”
GAY = SIN from Matthew Brown on Vimeo.
Grandma Olson’s Spice Cookies
Grandma Olson's Spice Cookies
(Now also known as Loren’s Favorite Cookies)
This recipe has been a tradition in the Olson family for at least 60 years. It has been something of a legend as well.
Grandma Olson never cooked with much of a recipe. She just listed the spices with no amounts given. For flour, she just wrote, “Enough flour until it feels right.”
When I was first married, I insisted that we have these cookies every Christmas, and my bride, who was quite a good cook, struggled to put it together. She would grind the raisins with an old metal meat grinder that always gummed up to the point she used language of which my grandmother never would have approved.
Each year she would proudly present the cookies to me, and I would say, “Nope. Not quite right with the spices.”
After I divorced and met my then partner, now husband, — we live in Iowa — I began to make the cookies each year, and I would proudly present them to him, and he would say, “Nope. Not quite right with the spices. And I can taste the lard and you know I don’t like lard.”
I have since yielded to him regarding the use of Crisco for the cookies and for pie crust (although it was a HUGE compromise for me.) The amount of the spices is as close as I can come to remembering the way they tasted when I was a child.
A food processor has made grinding the raisins a breeze, especially after I found that adding the flour to the raisins made it much easier.
Now the cookies are the favorites of my sons-in-law and reasonably satisfactory to my overly critical and judgmental husband who thinks he’s the only one in the family who can cook.
Grandma Olson’s Spice Cookies
(Now also known as Loren’s Favorite Cookies)
2 Cups brown sugar
1 Cup lard/Crisco
3 Eggs, separated
2 tsp Vanilla
2 Tbsp Sour cream/Yogurt
2 ½ Cups Flour + ½ Cup Flour
1 ½ tsp Baking Soda
1 tsp Salt
1 lb powdered sugar
Spices:
1 ½ tsp Cinnamon
1 tsp Ground Ginger
¼ tsp Ground Cloves
¼ tsp All Spice
½ tsp Nutmeg
1 Cup Walnuts, chopped
1 Cup Raisins, ground
1. Cream together the brown sugar and lard
2. Mix egg yolks, vanilla and sour cream and add to the sugar and lard mixture
3. Whisk together 2 ½ cups of flour, salt, baking soda and spices
4. Using food processor, chopped walnuts into small pieces using pulse
5. Place 1 cup of raisins with ½ cup of flour in food processor and pulse until finely chopped
6. Add raisins and nuts to the flour mixture and whisk together
7. With mixer running on low speed, add the flour mixture to the creamed sugar and lard mixture.
8. Make the dough into disks and place in refrigerator until well chilled.
9. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees
10. Roll dough to ¼ inch thickness, adding flour as necessary and cut with 3 inch cookie cutter
11. Bake about 6-7 minutes.
12. Cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes then move to cooling rack to cool completely
13. Frost with “Royal Frosting”
a. 3 egg whites
b. 1 lb powdered sugar
c. Combine in mixer and beat on high speed until mixture forms a ribbon
In Uniform, Out of the Closet
Like so many of us, Dave Gainer had a successful military career before coming out. Now he works actively to challenge “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” and works with other veterans who have suffered the consequences of this unfortunate policy.
Loren Olson
Ret. Chief Master Sgt Dave Gainer and gay veteran discharge under DADT
After 23 years of concealing his sexual orientation while serving his country, Dave Gainer had long since left the military and come out to his family, including his wife and daughter. Gainer is a now-61-year-old retired Air Force chief master sergeant.
But Gainer’s Air Force uniform was stashed away and collecting dust. “In my mind, there was some kind of mark of dishonor — that I’d lied for 23 years. I wasn’t supposed to be gay in a uniform.”
Two years ago, Gainer joined Service Members Legal Defense Network.
Gainer grew up in Charleston, W. Va. in what he calls a “very, very fundamentalist family.” “This story is not unique,” he said. “I’ve heard it from other guys like me. I really knew I was gay, but I couldn’t be that way, because I was supposed to be a minister. I was raised to be a minister.
“I figured, I’ll join the military, that’ll fix me. I’ll get married like all the GIs did, and that’ll fix me. But you know what? It didn’t fix me.”
In 2000 Gainer met his husband, David Guy, in Austin, and they moved to Forest Hill in 2006. Gainer and Guy, who call themselves Dave and David Guy-Gainer, were married in San Francisco in 2004 and have had a commitment ceremony in Texas.
To read more of this story, click on the following link: Dallas Voice :: In uniform, out of the closet
http://www.dallasvoice.com/artman/publish/article_12297.php
Congressman James Moran Dem-VA
DADT Discharges from 1994-2007 (from Servicemembers Legal Defense Network)
Married rugby star comes out
Gareth Thomas
Rugby player Gareth Thomas, 35, who plays one of the most macho games in team sports, came out this week in a press conference and said he was gay. Thomas was married his childhood sweetheart Jemma for five years and split up in 2006 when he said he was struggling with his sexuality.
Jemma said, “He really was the perfect husband in every way.”
Although he doesn’t call himself bisexual, Thomas said he loved his wife. “I genuinely did love her. She was the nicest, most caring, understanding, prettiest girl I had ever met,” he said. “It was such a confusing time because I had amazingly strong feelings for her, yet I knew I had taken who I was and put it in a little ball and pushed it in a corner.”
He said, “I just want to thank everyone for the amazing response I have received, on behalf of me, my family and friends. I hope that by saying this I can make a big difference to others in my situation.” The 6-foot-3 rugby player said he hopes this announcement helps other gay or bisexual players feel welcomed to come out, too.
Many of the sports people who have declared their homosexuality have tended to do so after their careers are over. Rugby is a very macho sport and has traditionally had a very robust he-man, heterosexual image. Hopefully, this will ease the way for other gay and bisexual players to also come out.”
Weighing Medical Costs of End-of-Life Care
The discussion about end of life care has played a big role in recent health care discussions, and much of the information has been distorted and highly emotional. This article from the New York Times has a good discussion of the huge disparities in the costs of end of life care.
“Dr. J. Thomas Rosenthal, the chief medical officer of the U.C.L.A. Health System, says his hospital has started re-examining its high-intensity approach to medicine. But the more U.C.L.A.’s doctors study the issue, the more they recognize a difficult truth: It can be hard, sometimes impossible, to know which critically ill patients will benefit and which will not.”
To read the rest of the article click on the following link:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/23/health/23ucla.html?_r=1&partner=rss&emc=rss
Face Book Network for Men Who have Sex with Men
I have just started a social network on Face Book for Men Who Have Sex with Men: 
http://tinyurl.com/ybxvhlp
Guest Posting on Magnetic Fire
I get many emails from people who want to know if I accept guest posts on Magneticfire, and if so, what are the guidelines. Yes, I do accept guest posts. Below you will find all the details about the process.
What kind of content do you accept?
Anything that is useful for our readers is good content for a guest post here. We accept posts which are related to issues for mature gay men, men questioning their sexual orientation and your own personal experiences. There is no minimum length for your post, but usually the guest posts have between 500-800 words.
Guidelines
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- Your post must be original and must have never been published before on the Internet
- You agree to not publish the post anywhere else (i.e., in your own blog or as a guest post in other blogs)
- You can include up to two links in the byline, which will be displayed at the bottom of the post
How do I submit my guest post?
If you have a post that meets the guidelines above, you can send it to me http://www.magneticfire.com/contact/. Usually within 48 hours I will let you know if we will accept the guest post or not. If I reject your post, you are obviously free to use it in your own