The Centrality of Children in the Lives of Gay, Married Men
A reader left the following on MagneticFire’s website, “Comments/Questions:”
First of all I wanted to say what a wonderful website you have. I am a 44 year old gay man who came out 6 years ago after being in a common law relationship with a woman and having kids. My own coming out process is almost complete I have told my kids this summer and the only person who remains to tell is my mother. She will be a difficult one.
She is a little old Catholic church lady and would be at the church lighting candles for me at every chance she got. I have not told her yet because, unfortunately I have not found anyone serious in my life for the moment, but the minute I do, I would tell her because I would not hide my significant other. Actually I am probably going to tell her soon because everyone else now knows and it wouldn’t be fare to her to find out from someone else.
I hope you don’t mind I posted a link to your website on the gay message board on another site. They have a coming out and relationship forum which played a huge part in my coming out. I wish I had seen your website during my coming out process; it really would have helped. And that was the reason I posted a link to your site. There are a few married guys who come to the forums looking for advice and I think you site is a good start.
I know for myself the first few months I thought I was a freak, how can I be gay? I am married and have kids. In discovering the other website, I discovered I was not alone and there are many men in my situation.
Just one more thing. I have noticed, that there is very little info available to us gay men with children about coming out to our children and what negative or positive results it may have. My coming out to my kids went well but I would have liked to have read some info on this subject and I found absolutely nothing available.
I went as far as discussing it with my kids’ pediatrician and the only thing that she could recommend was calling the local chapter of PFLAG. I did that and they were sort of dumfounded by my request and had nothing to offer. I did several online searches and found no quality info on the subject at all. The only place I did get some info was on the other website from other men in my situation who had all ready came out to their kids.
Maybe something for you to consider in some new research? This may be a very interesting and needed topic on your site.
Anyways I just wanted to say what a great website you have and keep up the good work!!
Thank-you
Kevin
Kevin,
Thank you so much for your letter. It is obvious from your letter what an important part of your life your children are. I have found this to be true for most of the men I have met who were previously in a relationship with a woman which resulted in their having children together. The fact is, gay men make damn good parents in most cases, and children often form a central part of our lives. We love them more than anything, and would never want to cause them any pain.
Our mothers are often just like yours. We love them too, and we know that our sexual orientation is going to be difficult for them to understand and accept.
Your question warrants and thoughtful response, and I am going to start working on a more complete response. This issue is largely responsible for my decision to begin working on my book, Finally Out: Unlocking the closet in Mid-Life and Beyond. In the survey I conducted, I did include questions about children.
My agent is taking the book to publishers now. Hopefully they will realize what a potentially huge market there is for it. Kevin, you and I know, there are many, many men who struggle with the issue you have just identified.
Thank you again for calling my attention to it.
Loren Olson
Hi Olson, Kevin,
Please see the link below. This is a great group that meets twice a month at a local church for just such upport. It is a safe place to come and talk, and tell each other about of our experiences. We have no answers, just a variety of experiences. The group holds social events which is a great place to learn what it means to be gay, outside of the usual places one thinks of. We are, after all, caught between two worlds.
http://www.GayFathersBoston.org
Jim
Jim,
I am very happy you mentioned this group. When I first began to really struggle over 20 years ago with my decision to come out, I found a gay fathers’ group in Des Moines. I found, as you did, that the group was enormously supportive. Everyone there knew exactly the conflict we each face as gay fathers, and it is often not well understood by gay men who have never been married with children. Many of those fathers remain my friends to this day, and Bruce, one of the men I met, was my best man when I got married recently.
I know from my correspondence with other men, that in some ways, the Internet serves a similar function for many. As Kevin mentioned, he found some support in some of the chat rooms. Unfortunately, it is hard to sort through all the pornographic sites to find ones which have good discussion groups which aren’t focused on casual sexual encounters.
“In a recent essay, I wrote, “What I was not prepared for was to be labeled by some in the gay community as a religiously bigoted, hypocritical, non-self-actualized, self-hating internalized-homophobic man because I delayed coming out until I was in the middle of my life.” There is a link under “Recent Posts” on this page to the essay, “Purgatory: Not Gay Enough to be Gay; not Straight Enough to be Straight”
Another great group for fathers is the Family Equality Council, which advocates for and works with diverse LGBT families
http://www.familyequality.org
Thanks, Cathy. I will put a link on MagneticFire.
Loren