One of the great joys of coming out is the freedom to be yourself. What is essential is to give up always looking to others for approval but being able to find that approval within yourself.

Loren Olson

I discovered that you had written a book after posting my comment and quickly downloaded it to my iPhone Kindle app. I’m in chapter 5 already.

I’ve been able to identify with several things you’ve said already and though I came out three years ago at 28, I can relate to a lot of what those men and you went through having played the straight role for so many years.

Now, I’m not only still coming out, but also learning, as you said in the book, to be completely myself and let my more feminine side come through instead of acting macho.

I appreciate your writing and I will be certain to include Kinsey’s research in my own as well as your idea of coming out being a trajectory. Very interesting!

I will stay in touch!

T.J.

You bring up a number of interesting and important issues. I have addressed some of it in my book, Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight. We tend to think of sexuality in a binary way, we’re either gay or straight. Some are strongly supportive of an additional label of bisexuality, and I was recently challenged when I said that “bisexuality” suggests that a person is equally attracted to both men and women. My correspondent strongly believes that bisexuality represents everything between exclusively heterosexual to exclusively homosexual.

I find “men who have sex with men (MSM) a better term. Is a person who has homosexual fantasies but has sex only with women heterosexual or bisexual? What of the man who defines himself as heterosexual but has sex exclusively or nearly exclusively with men (and there are lots of men like that). We must look at our sexuality in terms of our sexual fantasies, sexual behavior and sexual identity, and they are not necedssarily congruent, nor are they necessariy constant over time. I started out “heterosexual,” went through a period of thinking of myself as bisexual, and now would identifiy myself as exclusively homosexual.

One resource to consult is Lisa Diamond’s book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire. In her book, she theorizes that for women, the gender of sexual attraction for women may be much more fluid than it is for men. She believes — as I do — that men’s sexual desire is more fixed. In fact, in my experience — both my own and with men I have interviewed — men who experience same sex attractions become more and more exclusive in their homosexuality over time.

I continue to be on board with Kinsey’s original description of their being a spectrum of sexual desire, from exclusively homosexual to exclusively heterosexual, with a lot of alternatives in between. Kinsey’s work should be a part of your study of male sexuality.

You will also want to become familiar with the studies related to “coming out.” The original work suggested that coming out was a linear process that occured in stages, and suggested that sexual identity in most cases was completed by the mid-twenties. I was pretty confused about that since my coming out began at age forty! Later work suggests that the coming out process is more like a trajectory that can cover the life span. For men who have led heterosexual lives, I have described it more like a sailing ship, going from port to port in heavy seas and strong head winds.

Stay in touch. Keep me posted.

Loren Olson

Don’t know if you’re going to get this message because I know this post is pretty old in information age years. I’m a doctoral student in clinical psychology and am thinking of doing a dissertation on gay men and defense mechanisms. I think reaction formation is a big one as well as the dissociation you mentioned.

The more I accepted my sexuality, the less interest I had in women. Whenever I experienced a moment of weakness in my gay self identity, attractions toward women would magically appear. When I feel affirmed, they are not there almost at all. I find this topic fascinating and I thought your comment on being attracted to a fence post in puberty was spot on.

I noticed my opposite sex attractions begin their slow demise as I moved past those sexual peak years. I would love to hear more from you if you have any more resources on this topic. I’ll check back for your response, but feel free to email me as well. Thanks again and I’ll also look around this website for more of your writings.

Sincerely,
T.J.

The biggest change in my life was moving from thinking, “I’m not like THOSE people” to recognizing that those people were in fact a very diverse group of men, many who were a great deal like me, and many who were not. The first step is often shaking free from all of those internal stereotypes we all have, growing up in a rather homosexually-hostile society.

Good luck with your continuing process. Thanks for your comment. Welcome, and come back.

Loren Olson

Your last story about the man who came out after 50 years of marriage is indeed interesting for me. A whole area of men who love men I have little awareness of.

Hey Loren

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

I didn’t mean to imply that everyone who comes out later in life was bisexual. I was thinking that, perhaps for some people, the reason why they come out later is because they have genuinely felt some attraction to the opposite sex, but later in life realize that there is more to their sexuality than what they first thought.

Interesting topic and look forward to more of our thoughts about this an other topics.

Joe

Loren’s response to Joe’s post:

I don’t know about most men but I do know that many men have gone through a transition where they thought they were bisexual. As one person commented to me on Twitter, “There are more than just three options.”

When I was young, I could have had sexual arousal from a fence post or riding on the school bus. As I began to experience a greater sense of confusion, I knew only that there was straight, gay and bisexual. When someone said to me, “There’s no such thing as bisexual; only people in transition,” I went back to believing that I was heterosexual because I was not yet ready to accept the label of “gay.”

One man who took my survey was married over 50 years, loved his wife until she died, and only then began to consider the possibility that perhaps his sexual orientation was something other than what he believed. He now lives with a same sex partner.

There is an important resource which spouses should know about called the Straight Spouse Network. Here is that link:
http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php

Thanks again for your in-put.

Loren Olson

Loren Olson