The biggest change in my life was moving from thinking, “I’m not like THOSE people” to recognizing that those people were in fact a very diverse group of men, many who were a great deal like me, and many who were not. The first step is often shaking free from all of those internal stereotypes we all have, growing up in a rather homosexually-hostile society.

Good luck with your continuing process. Thanks for your comment. Welcome, and come back.

Loren Olson

Your last story about the man who came out after 50 years of marriage is indeed interesting for me. A whole area of men who love men I have little awareness of.

Hey Loren

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

I didn’t mean to imply that everyone who comes out later in life was bisexual. I was thinking that, perhaps for some people, the reason why they come out later is because they have genuinely felt some attraction to the opposite sex, but later in life realize that there is more to their sexuality than what they first thought.

Interesting topic and look forward to more of our thoughts about this an other topics.

Joe

Loren’s response to Joe’s post:

I don’t know about most men but I do know that many men have gone through a transition where they thought they were bisexual. As one person commented to me on Twitter, “There are more than just three options.”

When I was young, I could have had sexual arousal from a fence post or riding on the school bus. As I began to experience a greater sense of confusion, I knew only that there was straight, gay and bisexual. When someone said to me, “There’s no such thing as bisexual; only people in transition,” I went back to believing that I was heterosexual because I was not yet ready to accept the label of “gay.”

One man who took my survey was married over 50 years, loved his wife until she died, and only then began to consider the possibility that perhaps his sexual orientation was something other than what he believed. He now lives with a same sex partner.

There is an important resource which spouses should know about called the Straight Spouse Network. Here is that link:
http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php

Thanks again for your in-put.

Loren Olson

Loren Olson

Thanks for your thoughtful response.

I didn’t mean to imply that everyone who comes out later in life was bisexual. I was thinking that, perhaps for some people, the reason why they come out later is because they have genuinely felt some attraction to the opposite sex, but later in life realize that there is more to their sexuality than what they first thought.

Interesting topic and look forward to more of our thoughts about this an other topics.

Thank you for writing this post. I am the ex-wife of a man who is living his life as a gay man. I am pretty rare in the sisterhood of women who’s husbands come out in mid-life. I don’t feel badly that he chose his real life over the fake one he was living. And it did not bother me to think that he was not attracted to me anymore. Maybe it was because I was not attracted to him anymore at that point.

To your Twitter friend, who undoubtedly has a limited concept of compartmentalizing homosexuality. My ex told me that he put his secret in a box and filed it away under “too scary to open.” His father was a gay man who had sexually abused him as a child, so the idea of becoming homosexual was abhorrent to him (due to the negative association).

During most of the time we were married, my ex and I had a good sex life. He seemed very interested in sex, took pride in satisfying me, just like many heterosexual males do. As he started the process of coming out, and I started to figure out what was happening, I lost my desire to have sex with him.

During his “transition” he told several people that he was bi-sexual, and even dated a couple of women for a few months. However, by the time we’d been divorced for a year, he moved in with a man and began living his life as a gay man.

The emotions I felt and continue to feel now are: relief and pity. I’m relieved that he finally came out and did not drag me through more years of marriage and trying to live a double life, and pity because I know how tormented he was and continues to be. He is not totally comfortable with his life style but I believe he is finding more confidence as the years go on.

I agree that there was almost no public awareness nor support in the mainstream for gay people who come out later in life. You would not believe the questions I get, including, “how could you not know he was gay?” “how could he not know he was gay?” Did you have a bad sex life, is that why he sought something else? It just shows the stunning lack of information and education on the subject.

I have addressed the subject of bisexuality briefly here , and I talked about it some in an essay called “Purgatory” that I wrote for Michael in Norfolk. (A link is posted on MagneticFire.)

As for myself, there was a time when I questioned if I might be “Bisexual,” simply because I was having sex with my wife and experiencing a significant attraction to having sex with men. In men I correspond with, there are many who self-label as bisexual because they are experiencing something similar. In some cases being “Bisexual” is a less threatening label they wish to use because the thought they might be gay is just too frightening.

Briefly, Bisexuality really means experiencing almost equal sexual attraction to the same sex as to the opposite sex. It does not refer to those who are living one life but would prefer the other. After I began the process of coming out, it was clear to me that my only sexual attraction was to men.

Some of the confusing issues in regard to labeling of sexual orientation relates to 1. Who is doing the labeling, and 2. Are you talking about behavior or self-identity? One might describe people who are having sex with both men and women as behaving in a bisexual way. However, if you are talking about the way you define yourself, that self-definition is something which permeates every aspect of your being.

In some cases, people call themselves “bisexual” while they are experiencing a state of confusion and curiosity, and perhaps even during a transition.

I am glad you brought up the question because it suggests I need to write about this in a more comprehensive way. Thanks for your contribution and support and I hope you will come back to MagneticFire and refer the site to your friends.

Loren Olson