Coping with Being Married and Gay
I received this letter today. I have edited it slightly to protect the writer’s identity:
Dear Mr. Loren A. Olson, I am a 30 year old Indian, now working outside of India. I am married and have one son who is 7 years old. I am sexually attracted to older men. I don’t know when it started, and I love my wife and do have sex with her. But my mind is always changing to think about having sex with men. How can I get it back — right away? Please advise.
I have heard variations of the story over and over, even receiving another, similar letter today. Obviously, I cannot give medical advice, but I can share some of my own experiences and thoughts. This letter was particularly poignant because of the writer’s sense of urgency about “getting it back right away.” He wants these feelings to stop!
Men find themselves in this situation for various reasons. Some knew they were gay at an early age and thought it would change when they got married, others just didn’t know or didn’t understand, some felt they could control those feels if they prayed hard enough. Some men felt pressured into marriage or may have had a marriage arranged for them.
Some are surprised that many men really love the idea of being a family man. They wanted children and all of the things promised in “traditional marriage.” Many of them love their wives, but struggle with loving her enough or in the right way, saying things like, “My wife is my life, but I am not in love with her/sexually attracted to her.” There may be a physical attraction, but often it just doesn’t feel strong enough. They may have had a satisfying sexual relationship, but often these men say they find something missing.
Because of their failure to be the husband they desired to be, hiding these feelings or committing infidelity, they are plagued by a sense of guilt and shame.
When the secret is revealed, spouses often feel there is something wrong with them. They feel that they were inadequate sexual partners or this situation would never have developed. Many women feel that they must “stand by their man” and are confused why their partners don’t feel the same responsibility to the family. Many spouses have found support through Straight Spouse Network.
Other family and friends are often less sympathetic. The following comments were left on a website where a man had disclosed his struggle: “Your wife should kick you to the curb. You’re an idiot and have wasted 8 years of her life. You should have thought about that before getting married and having children. You are living in sin, and the Christian thing to do would be to tell your wife the truth. Selfishly, you are humiliating and causing anguish to everyone but yourself. You only got married to run from you homosexuality. I would be ashamed to have a son who is QUEER.”
No one needs to say these things to him because he’s already said it all to himself, calling himself those names and more.
What to do? In any difficult situation when a person appears to be faced with no good options, there are only three possible choices:
- 1. Change it
- 2. Put up with it
- 3. Leave
That’s it; there are no other possibilities. Most will agree that when a man experiences sexual attractions to other men, those feelings will not go away. There is no evidence that any treatments can effectively change that and attempts to change it can be harmful, enhancing blame and guilt, and in some cases leading to depression, substance abuse and even suicide. Many consider these treatments unethical. Reparative Therapy and Ex-Gay Ministries | Magnetic Fire
Some unscrupulous entrepreneurs who promise to change people from homosexual to heterosexual are capitalizing on society’s pressures to change by selling books, videos and seminars. What a perfect industry to be in, much like selling weight loss products, promising hope to resolve a problem that will not go away.
Putting up with the situation is one possibility but the persistent attraction to men will continue to consume the individual. This frequently leads to clandestine sexual encounters in secret, sordid locations. In these locations, safe sex is often not practiced, and they serve as a reservoir for HIV. Tolerance Reduces Risk of HIV | Best Gay Blogs
The final choice is often least appealing and that is to get out. Often the price seems too high, not just economically but more importantly in the damage to those important relationships, particularly with the children. Although often the price of leaving seems even larger than it is, the costs are real and men often continue to live in a state of ambiguity and confusion because they do not wish to accept the consequences of those losses.
Each man must make his own decision. Those of us who have been through this need to be available to support these men, whether they are working to change, struggling to put up with it or considering leaving. They will not find much support anywhere else.
There is no answer to this man’s problem. The pull of family against sexual feelings which will not go away has no easy answers. I know a lot of men (and some women) who have been in this situation. Their answers are distributed among the three possibilities Loren sugests. The presence of children just makes the decision that much more difficult.
I would like to say to men and women living in this situation that EACH and EVERYONE of you gay and lesbian partners is unknown partner to you wife or husband. This is not fair as the consequences are immense. If you have sex outside the marriage and inside the marriage you expose your married partner to grave medical problems.
As difficult as it might be to leave it is much less difficult then to come home one day to find your partner afflicted with something which you have passed on.
When looked at from the prespective the choice ( difficult and hard ) is the only solution in my mind if you are having sex inside and outside the marriage.
If you not having sex inside the marriage other choice are viable. You would be surprised to know how many men tell their wives and somehow they remain married.
What is not viable is to hope that his attraction for older men will go away or subside. It is much more likely that his attraction will increase.