I just found this link for the Gay and Married Men’s Association (GAMMA) of New South Wales, Australia, and it reminded me of my own experience with a gay fathers’ group when I was first coming out. Many of those men are still my friends after 25 years.

GAMMA supports men who are or have been involved in a heterosexual relationship, but who have sexual contact with other men. It was started by men who found themselves in a similar situation.

Through various activities and services, they help men who are questioning their sexual orientation.

Similar groups are available across the country, like Gay Fathers of Greater Boston, but you may have to search for them. If you can’t find one, put a notice on Craig’s List or in your local personals and start one.

I was asked to do a guest blog for Queer Magazine:

I receive this question almost daily

I receive this question almost daily on my website MagneticFire: “I am a younger man but I have always preferred men 15-20 years older than I am. Even as I get older, the men I am attracted to, also get older. My gay friends don’t understand. Why am I attracted to older men?”

The exact reason we’re gay or attracted to specific types of gay men or women is not known, but we do know some things. Most complex psychological issues are best explained by looking at a combination of factors including genetics, our developmental history and our social and cultural experiences. Most of us who are gay believe we were born this way, and a genetic explanation may underlie some of this, but it is probably not a sufficient explanation for a predisposition to being gay or to whom we’re attracted.

Scientists tend to want precise explanations, and they often look exclusively to specific areas for clarification. In the area of being gay and partner choices the areas most commonly considered are: genes, parenting, culture, and stressful life events. But the strongest scientific evidence only comes through randomized controlled experiments. These are impossible to conduct in studying LGBTQ issues because much of our community is hidden, logistically and financially they are difficult, and such studies would also raise certain ethical concerns.

Whether we’re considering health or disease, mental illness or personality traits, the explanations are typically found in looking at the interaction of multiple factors. Prevailing attitudes are to look at most things in biological terms, but a broader perspective is needed; biological explanations for LGBTQ are insufficient. Although one factor may weigh heavily, or not at all, a combination of genetics, psychological development and social and cultural factors must all be considered. These things are all involved in its cause, how it manifests itself, its course over time, outcomes and finally, how it impacts the course of how well each of us adapts to the stress of being different.

The relative importance of any one factor varies from individual to individual.
A tendency toward extroversion is commonly thought to be inherited, for example, and this may help some to navigate the process of coming out more easily. Likewise, some many have inherited a greater capacity for empathy which could create a different pathway for development of sexual orientation and relationships.

To read the rest of the essay, click here.

I posted this originally on July 24, 2009, on Magnetic Fire, but thought it was worth re-publishing since it relates to Micha
posted by Loren A. Olson M.D.

Meeting My Father
I met my father again for the first time. I first met him when I was about 35, and I met him again yesterday.

My father was killed in a farm accident when I was three years old. I have only two possible memories of him; I call them “possible” because they are vague and lacking in detail, as if trying to recall a dream I might have had a week ago. I really can’t be sure if I remember them, but I need something of him to be real.

I also have wisps of images of him, but no matter how long or hard I study them, mostly what I see is empty space.

When I was a child, I would ask my mother to tell me about him, and she always responded, “He was a wonderful man,” nothing more. It was not enough! Once she pulled out of a trunk his only suit for me to wear for a school play. She held it close to her, and said, “I can still smell your father.” I wanted to smell him too, but all I could smell was dusty, old wool.

I felt unfinished, as if there were big holes in who I was. What part of me came from my father? People would say, “You have your mother’s nose,” but no one ever said to me, “You have your father’s eyes or ears.” I felt as if my Y chromosome had made absolutely no contribution to who I was.

Meeting my father was no accident. I searched for him for years, looking for pieces in the fathers of my friends, teachers, Boy Scout leaders, coaches. Even ministers. My sister and I once talked about how we observed how fathers functioned in other families, trying to imagine how ours would have been in ours.

The first time I met my father was when my cousin visited me. I was 35. My cousin’s father was my father’s brother and they had been close. I knew my cousin would know something. He told me the few things he did know, but I pressed him, “I need to know more! I need to know that he had some faults. I need to make him human, someone I might be.” The little he knew helped to lower the bar enough that I felt that finally I might have a chance of getting over it.

Yesterday, I met my father again. My two sisters and I visited with my uncle and his wife, now sixty years after my father’s death. As I drove to meet them, I began to think, “I need to ask them some questions. I want some answers.”

After visiting for a while, my sister, Marilyn, said, “Jan and I were talking as we drove over here, and I want to know, did our father have a sense of humor?” I was stunned to learn that they needed answers, too. How selfish of me to think that I was the only one with big holes that needed filling. Here we were, all in our sixth decade, still searching for answers.

My uncle responded with a laugh, “Oh, yes, he had a great sense of humor, a very dry one.” He described it as a lot like another of their sons. That was the blade of spackling compound, which began filling the holes. After we talked a while, my uncle said, “That’s not much,” but it was so much more than I’d had before, and I knew that after over 60 years, they still loved my father, too.

Through the years, as I struggled to understand myself, I had believed that the sense of difference I felt was because I had no one to teach me how to be a man. Long before I understood that issue instead as one of sexuality, I attributed those “differences” to a deficiency of fathering. I thought that had my father lived, I would never have worried about being a sissy. I had spent so much time struggling with my father’s abandoning me before I was finished, trying to explain and change the way I was.

I have a clearer image of my father now. I will not be who he was, but I can be in man in my own way, as he was in his. I have come to know that my father’s death and my sexuality, each separately, have had profound influences on my life. And I am still unfinished.

Dr. Olson on You Tube

Dr. Olson’s discussions of possible uses of Skype in psychiatry.

This was written anonymously and originally published on Urban Queer.

Late in September, at the Indiana State Medical Association annual convention, my resolution, proposing that the ISMA publically acknowledge the health benefits that would be conferred to the LGBT community through the legal sanctioning of same sex marriage, was rejected.

It was rejected not on the basis of any medical argument contradicting the evidence-based literature that supports my proposal, but rather because the ISMA currently lacks the will to become involved in a matter of sociopolitical controversy. It was explained to me that, despite the wealth of medical literature attesting to the expected health benefits that a significant proportion of the general population would receive if same sex committed relationships were afforded the emotional validation and legal status of similar heterosexual couples, and despite supporting opinions from numerous professional associations (American Psychiatry Association, the American Psychology Association, the National Association of Social Workers, the American Academy of Family Practitioners, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Anthropology Association, the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association, and the Australian Medical Association), the ISMA did not feel it was prudent to acknowledge the current state of the medical literature since it was considered likely that the ISMA would subsequently be portrayed in the media as being in support of same sex marriage.

While I am not naïve relative to the political realities that such organizations face, it does seem somewhat disingenuous to recognize the facts, yet at the same time be unwilling to follow such facts to their logical conclusion.

The facts, as supported by peer-reviewed, evidence-based literature as well as expert opinions, are as follows:
(1) LGBT children suffer from alarmingly high rates of depression, suicide, and physical/verbal abuse as a result of being marginalized by society (i.e. not due to any factors inherent to being homosexual);
(2) Members of the adult LGBT community, not unlike children, internalize societal prejudice and discrimination. This, coupled with the loss of family support or fear of rejection by family, friends, and co-workers, results in high rates of depression and substance abuse;
(3) Legally married couples, regardless of socioeconomic factors, have significantly lower incidence of not only depression, suicide, and drug abuse, but also lower incidence of cardiovascular disease, cancer, cirrhosis, and risky sexual behavior;
(4) Upon legally married couples are conferred numerous financial and legal benefits (1138 federal statutes mandate “married” status to allow specific benefits, rights, and protections) that significantly improve access to optimal health care for individuals, their spouses, and children;
(5) Children raised by same sex couples compare favorably with other children in all performance standards assessed; the most important predictor of successful child-rearing is an intact two parent unit;
(6) The Congressional Budget Office, in 2004, estimated that legalizing same sex marriage would result in overall federal cost savings of one billion dollars/year (an estimate that has been corroborated by independent think tanks such as The Williams Institute, UCLA Law), though this is likely an underestimate given updated census bureau data;
(7) There are >800,000 same sex couples in the U.S. and they are found in >99% of U.S. counties;
(8) Same sex marriage does not threaten the institution of heterosexual marriage, as evidenced by Centers for Disease Control Division of Vital Statistics report citing the fact that all five U.S. states allowing same sex marriage have divorce rates nearly 20% lower than the rest of the country.

Though long term studies are not yet available in the medical literature to absolutely prove that ending discrimination against same sex couples and their families would result in the expected health benefits, it is difficult for the scientific mind, unencumbered by cultural traditions or archaic stereotypes of the homosexual community, to reach any other conclusion. Numerous experts and professional organizations have studied this literature and have reached conclusions that fully support the call for marriage equality.

Bishop Gene Robinson (the first ordained openly gay Episcopal bishop) was the keynote speaker at the NYC PFLAG (parents, families, and friends of lesbians and gays) annual fundraiser that I, with two of my daughters and my wife, attended on October 12, just two days after President Obama’s landmark speech to the Human Rights Campaign and one day after the Equality March in Washington D.C. Bishop Robinson described the interplay of prejudice and power that gave rise to ugly periods in our history manifest by the racism and sexism promulgated by oppressors of blacks and women.

We see the same phenomenon rearing its head today in the form of heterosexism. Bishop Robinson eloquently made the point that it is not homophobia that we need fear the most — there will always be extremists shouting out ugly epithets against the “other” – but, instead, the most powerful voice contributing to the perpetuation of fear, stereotypes, and discrimination is the voice that goes unheard.

It is the silence of the many that covertly invites prejudice and all of its manifestations that so powerfully affects the health status of the LGBT community. Sadly, when those who have the knowledge to effect positive change fail to act, it provides fertile ground for the sustenance of an unwelcoming environment for the LGBT community which–as evidenced by many years of medical/social science research–directly and indirectly contributes to significant emotional and physical harm.

This vacuum, created by our silence, gives rise to both overt and covert disrespect and inequality which are in direct conflict with the principles of decency that our constitution is meant to protect.

What sounds do you hear simmering beneath the silence of our medical community and the political system? This is not a silence that gives one a sense a peace and tranquility.

Listen to what I hear. I hear the weeping of a 10 year old boy crying himself to sleep at night for fear of parental rejection of the person that he finds himself to be as he first begins to recognize his sexual orientation.
I hear the teenager’s cries of anguish and humiliation as he is ridiculed and kicked outside his school by classmates simply because his parents are two lesbians — committed to each other and their child with a depth of love enviable to us all.
I hear the unsettled angst in the voice of one of my physician colleagues who was bullied out of his successful practice by his group partners threatening to go public with his sexual orientation.
I hear the lack of confidence is his sense of self as he struggles with how to fit into a society that does not embrace him as an equal.
I hear the 20 year old teammate on my daughter’s collegiate softball team expressing uncertainty as to how to talk to me about the challenges she faces as a lesbian, for she has never before spoken with an adult about her sexual orientation.
I hear a 40 year old man giving witness to the fear, shame, and self-loathing that culminated in heavy drug use and contracting AIDS as he struggled with rejection by his church and family.
I hear the homophobic surgeon at the ISMA convention spewing forth the type of demeaning and offensive “facts” about homosexuals garnered from ultra-conservative splinter group “experts” that only serve to sow fear and prejudice amongst the uninformed.

Imagine the fear and frustration expressed by a 60 year old patient diagnosed with metastatic colon cancer after failing to have the screening colonoscopy recommended years ago because she had no health insurance despite her partner of 35 years being insured through her job. Imagine their children crying at her subsequent funeral, despairing over the premature loss of one of their mothers.

No, it is not homophobia that we should fear. It is apathy.

It is the silence of those in power that unwittingly carries the banner of heterosexism that preserves the status quo and marginalizes the LGBT community in a way that compromises their emotional and physical health, their access to health care, and their basic human need to be valued and loved by their family and community. It has been suggested by some that we publically acknowledge the facts of my resolution, but at the same time state that the ISMA is neutral on the sociopolitical implications of these same facts.

How can a “neutral” position on the subject of marriage equality be consistent with the ISMA mission statement claiming that we aspire to provide the best possible health care to all of our patients?

No, ISMA members, silence and neutrality are not acceptable options. It is not fair to my lesbian daughter. It is not fair to our LGBT patients and their families. It is not fair to the son of the homophobic father who would choose to take his own life rather than see the humiliation and disappointment on his dad’s face when he realizes that his son is gay. It is not fair to the history that precedes us with respect to the civil rights movement and the struggle to achieve equal rights for women.

As a medical society, we don’t make the laws, but at least we can be sure that our legislators and voters are equipped with the best knowledge that our profession may offer.

So, I’ll be back again next year at the convention. And year after year if that is what it takes. And you will hear from other physicians who also have heard the voices emanating from the “other.” And you will hear from your physician colleagues who are the “other.” And I hope you will hear from your own patients who read this article and want to empower you to give voice to your patients who are suffering every day due to lack of acceptance.

The ironic thing is that this is already a done deal. Despite the inevitable setbacks along the way, marriage equality will be a reality in the not too distant future in Indiana and all of the United States.

I am given hope that this will happen sooner rather that later, however, when I hear about the passionate efforts of a father of four Eagle Scouts who now has made it his mission to educate the Boy Scouts of America so that one of his Eagle Scout sons — the gay one — will be recognized as an equal amongst his peers.

I am strengthened in my resolve when I listen to a wonderful sermon by a United Methodist pastor challenging us to publically demonstrate our acceptance of the LGBT community. I am humbled by the inspirational journey of Bishop Gene Robinson and other pioneers in organized religion who seek to teach us by bravely battling against discrimination in all its ugly forms.

I am encouraged by the support my resolution received at the convention from a former Indiana State Commissioner of Health. Even as I am just completing this article, the AMA (at its convention in Houston, November 2009) has announced the adoption of a resolution stating that bans on same sex marriage contribute to health care disparities and also made a public statement acknowledging that the military policy of “Don’t ask, don’t tell” is detrimental to the health of gay and lesbians in the service.

Furthermore, it is striking to observe that for my children, and so many of their peers, homosexuality is such a non-issue. They see people for who they are in their hearts, not as they are cast by society.

It is inspirational to witness a lesbian woman being awarded “The Woman Breaking Barriers” honor at a traditional Midwestern university, Miami of Ohio, for her leadership efforts heightening awareness of LGBT issues. It is telling of the times that a young woman uses her platform in the Miss America Organization to speak out as a straight ally for LGBT rights and to combat bullying in schools in New York City.

Children, young adults, business leaders, and seniors work side by side in organizations such as PFLAG and the Indiana Youth Group providing a forum for dialogue, support, validation, and a safe place for the LGBT community.

Efforts honoring diversity and equality are led by compassionate individuals who always champion the moral character that requires each of us to accept, and never ridicule, people regardless of their race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, or any disability. Their pursuit of what is right — what our constitution demands for all — simply will not be denied. Education and sharing will provide light where there has been darkness and reassuring voices to replace cries born of homophobic ignorance or heterosexist silence.

It was H.G. Wells who once wrote, “Human history more and more becomes a race between education and catastrophe.” The medical/social science literature/education is undeniably clear; how long will we passively watch this catastrophe of discrimination rear its ugly head?

There once was a time when physicians were considered to be amongst the most respected and influential of professionals. I hope this time has not entirely passed.

My challenge to the ISMA membership — as well as the AMA, the ACP, and our political leaders — is to now decide whether we will be leaders in the fight for equality and our patients’ health; or merely idle followers — silent partners to the mental, physical, and legal suffering of patients who deserve our support and respect.

Guest Editorial by Anonymous