This essay by Greta Christina was originally was originally posted on September 22, 2009, on Blowfish.com.

By Greta Christina

If you read the sex advice columns (and who doesn’t?), you see this sort of thing a lot. “I’m gay, and I don’t want to be.” “I’m kinky, and I don’t want to be.” “I have a fetish, and I don’t want to.”

“I don’t want to want what I want.”

Now, despite what some may think about us sex-positive advocates, I’m not going to reflexively say, “Oh, just go for it.” I don’t necessarily think that everything we want is good, or good for us. (Snickers bars come to mind.)

Some sexual desires can do us harm if we act on them: the desire for barebacking, say, or the fetish for being fed until you gain massive amounts of weight. And if what you want sexually is immoral — sex with children, say, to use the most obvious example — then that’s a no-brainer. Being sex-positive doesn’t mean being positive about all sex, in every situation.

But let’s say that what you want sexually isn’t immoral, by any useful definition of the word. Let’s say that what you want is consensual, and honest, and doesn’t hurt anybody in a way that they don’t want to be hurt. And let’s say that it’s reasonably safe as well: no more likely than any other hobby to cause serious or lasting harm, to you or to anyone else.

And let’s say that you still don’t want to want it. Let’s say you’re still distressed and unhappy with what you want in bed.

What then?

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