Archive for January, 2010
I Don’t Want to Want What I Want
This essay by Greta Christina was originally was originally posted on September 22, 2009, on Blowfish.com.
By Greta Christina
If you read the sex advice columns (and who doesn’t?), you see this sort of thing a lot. “I’m gay, and I don’t want to be.” “I’m kinky, and I don’t want to be.” “I have a fetish, and I don’t want to.”
“I don’t want to want what I want.”
Now, despite what some may think about us sex-positive advocates, I’m not going to reflexively say, “Oh, just go for it.” I don’t necessarily think that everything we want is good, or good for us. (Snickers bars come to mind.)
Some sexual desires can do us harm if we act on them: the desire for barebacking, say, or the fetish for being fed until you gain massive amounts of weight. And if what you want sexually is immoral — sex with children, say, to use the most obvious example — then that’s a no-brainer. Being sex-positive doesn’t mean being positive about all sex, in every situation.
But let’s say that what you want sexually isn’t immoral, by any useful definition of the word. Let’s say that what you want is consensual, and honest, and doesn’t hurt anybody in a way that they don’t want to be hurt. And let’s say that it’s reasonably safe as well: no more likely than any other hobby to cause serious or lasting harm, to you or to anyone else.
And let’s say that you still don’t want to want it. Let’s say you’re still distressed and unhappy with what you want in bed.
What then?
To read the rest of this essay, click here
Be sure to check out Greta’s blog.
Pigs are More Dangerous Than Sex
Pigs are more dangerous than gay sex. I know because I have been injured by both. I want to emphasize the fact that these injuries were in two separate events; I did not injure myself having sex with a pig, nor have I ever attempted to have sex with a pig. 
Thirty years ago, while still married to my wife and with two small children, we lived on a “gentleman’s farm” in Maine where we were first introduced to the idea of sustainable living. I decided that we should attempt to raise pigs for our own pork, so I bought two little piglets, “Sweet” and “Sour.”
One of the problems with a small farm is the tendency to want everything to have babies. Perhaps it’s because the babies are so damn cute, but it probably also has something to do with the guilt of how their lives end on our tables. “Sour” was our first home produced meat, which left “Sweet” to become the mother of our new piglet family.
About four weeks after they were born, I picked one of the little piglets up. It began to squeal as if I were castrating it with my teeth. “Sweet” was until that moment a pig that was so gentle our children, ages 2 and 5, could ride her. She came after me with aggression I have never seen, let alone experienced. I ran for the wooden fence, cart-wheeled over it and when I came back to my feet felt excruciating pain in my right shoulder the likes of which I’d never felt before.
I knew that my shoulder was dislocated, so I banged my elbow on the fence until it popped back into place, relieving the worst of the pain. I had it examined and X-rayed and there were no visible injures — that is, until now. Now, the orthopedist tells me I need a shoulder replacement.
That’s a much bigger deal than having a torn meniscus in my right knee, which occurred while having sex. I know what you’re probably thinking but the sex was pretty conventional, not bad sex, but it was certainly nothing to blog about.
Easy to reach most anything
Tomorrow morning I go in for my “joint replacement class” to which I was asked to bring “a companion.” (Now I appreciate my husband even more than before, but he’s very nervous about the “personal hygiene” tasks.)
I have previously written about the need for medical companions. Medical companions allow older people to have more confidence in their doctors, feel better about the information they receive and have a better relationship with their doctor. In other words, they receive better health care.
In my previous research on mature gay men, I found that those perceiving their health to be a major life stress increased from 28% in the 6th decade to 50% into their 8th decade. Although half of the survey respondents saw their health as very good to excellent, all of those careless injuries sustained in our youth didn’t bother much then, but the later, accumulative consequences are often what causes older people to begin to feel old. Ibuprofen becomes Vitamin I.
The number of people surveyed who admitted to being in fair to poor health increased with age from 11% in the sixth decade to 38% for those past 80 years old, which isn’t too bad for a bunch of very mature gay men. In my survey, 50-60% of gay men between the ages of 60 and 79 years of age live alone, although unexpectedly, this percentage decreased with increasing age.
So here is the dilemma: Medical care improves when you have a companion but over half of gay men between 60 and 79 years of age live alone. This is a serious challenge for our LGBT community and points out the necessity for each of us to develop a a good support system and a family of choice when there is no family of origin available.
I feel blessed to have a husband to be my medical companion and care for me. Friends have offered to drive me around – although no one has yet offered to take care of my most personal hygiene — and several internet friends have agreed to write guest posts for this blog during my rehabilitation period. Sadly, not everyone is so fortunate.
Where can an older gay man find the man of his dreams?
Dating as an older man can be difficult, but it is important not to limit yourself to the “gay ghetto” areas of gay bars and cruising areas. You may have only dated women before, and chances are good that it didn’t go well if you were dealing with same-sex attractions at the time. You may find that in mid-life you’re still an adolescent when it comes to dating.
Support groups can be helpful, not only in meeting prospective men to date, but in developing a network of supportive relationships which may be helpful – even necessary – especially as you get older. My first step into the gay community was in a fathers’ support group (and there should be a lot more of them.)
To read the rest of this post, click here.
More Straight Talk for Gay Men about Testosterone Replacement
Several people commented in response to my previous posts about testosterone replacement therapy (TRT). http://www.magneticfire.com/2009/11/19/virility-vitality-and-testosterone/
This one is typical. “I asked my doctor to include a testosterone level along with my other blood work as a part of my physical. It showed my level to be significantly below the bottom end of the normal range. I have been taking AndroGel for about a week. What can I expect?”
I had a similar experience to the above writer when I had my level done, and I was skeptical, but also decided to try AndroGel. Fairly soon after I began, I experienced some changes in sexual desire and function that initially I attributed to a placebo effect. I then began to notice that I was having morning erections, just like the old days, and since I had been sleeping I decided this couldn’t be placebo effect.
Promises about what testosterone replacement can do have been greatly exaggerated: to restore youthful levels of sexual excitement and desire and to create the muscle tone of a teenager, a fountain of youth (metaphorically speaking.)
Aging effects sexual capacity, but the assumptions about how much it is effect are also often greatly exaggerated. When men begin to notice changes, it is often accompanied by a considerable amount of anxiety, and that anxiety interferes further with sexual desire and function. This, in turn, reinforces the feelings of getting old, increasing the anxiety, and a vicious cycle is established.
TRT Delivery Systems:
When a decision has been made for TRT, there are several different ways the testosterone replacement can be administered. The decision depends upon personal preference, side effects and cost:
Injection: Injections are given about every two weeks by a health care provider, a family member, or self-administered. Some report fluctuations in symptom relief between the injections.
Patches: Patches are applied nightly, rotating sites to reduce skin irritation. Some have complained that they come off easily.
Gel: A gel in rubbed onto the skin of the abdomen, chest, arms and shoulders. It takes several hours to absorb so it must be applied after showering.
Buccal: This putty-like substance is applied to the upper gums where it is transformed into a gel which is absorbed.
Costs:
TRT for injection costs between $100-200 per month, plus the cost of the materials. If a health care person administers it, an injection fee is usually added. All of the other preparations can cost between $200-500 per month, and insurance reimbursement varies.
One person has reported that he has his gel prepared by a compounding pharmacy for a cost of less than $100, enough of a cost saving to explore it with your doctor and pharmacy.
Side effects:
The major issues with the injections are related to the inconvenience and fluctuations of therapeutic levels between injections. Patches can cause skin irritation and may be unreliably adherent. The gel is less irritating than the patches but it is possible to transfer the TRT agent to a sexual partner, or even a pet, through skin-skin contact. The Buccal gel may cause irritation of the gums.
Exaggerated claims:
It is important to be aware of the exaggerated claims for feeling sexier, stronger and healthier, but claims about reversing low energy, improving muscle strength and libido have some truth. Some improvement in sexual performance creates a sense of well being and improved mood, and results in an improved attitude that in itself helps contribute to better sexual performance. 
But an entire, costly industry has developed around these treatments that will never be like you were in your prime. Look for improvement, not perfection, especially as defined by advertising promotion.
For me, TRT hasn’t changed the fact that I still need knee and shoulder replacements, and arthritic pains in some of the joints persist, but awakening with morning wood does bring a smile to my face.
Ginkgo biloba for older adults
Ginko biloba
A new trial published in JAMA Dec 23/30/09 concludes that compared with placebo, the use of Ginko biloga, 120 mb twice daily, did not result in less cognitive decline in older adults with normal cognition or with mild cognitive impairement.
Save your money.
Senate Health Care Bill Ignores Gay Families
This is taken from an article by Carlos Santoscoy, published January 03, 2010 in On Top Magazine.
“One deviation between the bills is the way gay families are recognized.
“The House version approved in November includes Representative Jim McDermott’s Tax Equity for Health Plan Beneficiaries Act of 2009, which alters the tax status of health benefits granted to the spouses of gay employees. Under the bill, such benefits would no longer be considered taxable income for the employee. McDermott, a Democrat from Washington, introduced the bill along with Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, a ranking Republican in the House Foreign Affairs Committee, in May.
“McDermott told the New York Times that the bill would ‘correct a longstanding injustice, end a blatant inequity in the tax code and help make health care coverage more affordable for more Americans.’
“Collectively, unmarried couples lose $178 million per year to additional taxes,” the report says. “U.S. employers also pay a total of $57 million per year in additional payroll taxes because of this unequal tax treatment.”
To see more about this, follow this link:
http://cc.bingj.com/cache.aspx?q=bill+ignores+gay+families+%22on+top+magazine%22&d=230876775852&mkt=en-US&setlang=en-US&w=5c281881,90d3aea7
Not monogamy, Not cheating or polygamy, but polyamory
This article by Sandra A. Miller in the Boston Globe, January 3, 2010 , only partially reprinted here, is sure to be provacative, and may make discussions of gay marriage appear small in comparison. There is an interesting video if you follow the link below.
“Adherents call it responsible non-monogamy or polyamory, and the nontraditional practice is creeping out of the closet, making gay marriage feel somewhat last decade here in Massachusetts. What literally translates to “loving many,” polyamory (or poly, for short), a term coined around 1990, refers to consensual, romantic love with more than one person. Framing it in broad terms, Sekora, one of the three founders and acting administrator of the 500-person-strong group Poly Boston, says: “There’s monogamy where two people are exclusive. There’s cheating in which people are lying about being exclusive. And poly is everything else.”
“Polyamory isn’t a lifestyle for everybody, any more than monogamy is for everybody,” she says. “Keeping one relationship vital is a lot of work, and if you start adding more relationships, it becomes more work.” Though common descriptors used for monogamy don’t easily apply to polyamory, there is a recognizable spectrum of how open these partnerships may be. On the closed end, you might have a couple in a primary relationship who will then have one or more secondary relationships that are structured to accommodate the primary one.”
http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2010/01/03/loves_new_frontier/