Archive for February, 2010
Those Who Fought Hardest to Come Out, Go Back In To Survive.
Thanks to the Hospice and Nursing Homes blog for sharing.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
LGBT Issues and End-of-Life Care 
Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender seniors can face unique challenges at the end of life. Some recent news items and a new documentary highlight these concerns:
In Minnesota, same-sex couples are advocating for a law to protect the rights of surviving members of domestic partnerships to make end-of-life care decisions.
The Hartford Advocate (CT) writes about a home care and hospice agency that is starting a bereavement support group specifically for gays, lesbians, transgenders and bisexuals.
In Massachusetts, a nursing home specifically for LGBT seniors is opening this month Chelsea.
This documentary, Gen Silent, explores the fear of discrimination that causes some LGBT seniors to hide their orientation as they age.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV3O8qz6Y5g&feature=player_embedded#
Is a Gay Gene Necessary but not sufficient to make us Gay?
I received this response from Graham, in response to an earlier blog post, “Why am I Gay?” where I’d written that I think that a gay gene may be necessary but sufficient to explain why some men become gay and others do not. Graham asked for a clarification. In response he wrote a very thoughtful comment that I think is too important to bury it in the comments of another page.
Graham is a 60-something graphic designer and video producer who lives in Vancouver, B. C., Canada. He is gay, out for the last 40 years, and has always been aware of his sexual differences. He is doing research into the value of drawing and art in the cognitive development during the early years of childhood, and how that plays out in adults.
Here is my response to Graham’s question: Thanks for getting in touch with me again. Well, Let’s see if I can clarify it, because it suggests I haven’t explained myself very well. The “necessary” is clear, i.e. the biological basis
The “but not sufficient” means that the gay gene must be present, but genetics alone is not enough to explain the wide variety of ways homosexuality expresses itself. That’s where socio-cultural factors come in to play and influences our choices of things like the specific kinds of attractions we have such as younger to older. There is a huge variation in how people experience same sex attractions, and fortunately, we are not all attracted to the same type of person. In particular I think about young, fit, athletic men (whom I find very attractive) but may be attracted to old, unfit and chubby men. Why is that?
When people become a part of a group, either the “In Group” or the “Out Group,” they tend to begin to think alike, and many of the gay political activist people seem to think that all gay people are the same, that we all should express our sexuality in the same way, and that we should all come out in the same way. In other words, the ultimate goal must always be full public disclosure of our sexuality. This isn’t remotely possible for someone living in many of the African countries, or the Islamic countries or in the the Middle East.
I write a lot my book, Finally Out: Unlocking the Closet in Mid-Life and Beyond, about what it means to be gay, but I believe that gay people are only a small part of a much larger group of men who have sex with men. The word “Gay” has taken on a political meaning which puts off some people. That causes some Men who have sex with men (MSM) to feel rejected by the gay community and some in the gay community to think the MSM are not quite “self actualized,” are hypocritical, and are ultimate “less than.” I think this is a significant issue for MSM who are considering coming out in mid-life.
Don’t know if this has helped clarify the issue. Loren Olson
Graham’s response:
Hi Loren
I see we are on the same page to a great extent with how the word “sufficient” is being used, in that there are many other components to our personalities than just a genetic code.
As part of the socio-cultural factors I think we need to add the significance of that chemical mix we float in for the 9 months we float around in our mother’s belly before we are born. I believe there are many factors in our lives that will allow us to handle being homosexual without being aware of the choices we make.
I am reminded of the work of Alison Gopnik and others in their book, The Scientist in the Crib: What Early Learning Tells Us About the Mind (Gopnik et al, 2000), who write of how children acquire the ability to take light signals and transform them into concepts of other things and people? And to this I add temperament as outline by Jerome Kagan in The Long Shadow of Temperament (Kagan and Snidman, 2004). I think the work of Kagan is very important for homosexuals to understand because it is my belief it is our temperament that helps fashion how we choose to express our sexual preferences.
Using “me” as an example, I knew I was different from the earliest age, at least 4 or 5 years old. My temperament was positive and very reflective. As my dad would say, I was a watcher. When I was about 12 or 13, the news was full of the Profumo spy scandal. This, as you may remember, rocked the British government and high levels of society and was headlines for months.
All sorts of sexual activities were going on, and one of the key players was a homosexual, who was said to be the leader of a homosexual ring that had these orgies with members off the Horse Guards. Well, on one of the days when the news seemed to be covered with stories about homosexuals, my older brother and I asked our dad, “What is a homosexual?” He calmly said, “Homosexuals are individuals who are attracted to members of the same sex”.
When I think back what a brilliant answer; there was no emotional baggage attached. That’s the time I found out I am a homosexual. So what if the medical profession thought I was crazy, I was a homosexual.
I think back now that I was so lucky to be living in Germany at the time. So for the next 6 years I developed – unconsciously — strategies of how I would express my homosexuality, how would I define what a homosexual was for me.
Needless to say by the time I would venture out at age 19, I had in my mind what a homosexual was and how it fit me.
When I moved to Toronto I had to reevaluate what it was to be homosexual as I now was hearing the new term “Gay”. At first I had trouble with the term as it was foreign to me, and I felt that I was not gay. How could I give up 6 years of learning how to be homosexual to all of a sudden become “gay.” [LAO: The term "gay" in reference to sexual identity did not come into use until after Stonewall, in the late 1960's when it was adopted by the gay community as a term of affirmation.] It took some time before I felt comfortable now with the new label. 
You have raised a very interesting issue attributing gay political activist saying all gay people are the same and that we all should express our sexuality in the same way. This is very new to me. Maybe it’s a cultural thing that is in your state. In the gay media that I read from New York or San Francisco over the 40 years that I have, I have never detected this. In fact, in his wonderful essay on gay language Edmond White predicted that the gay community would become even more fragmented. And from what I experience it has become true. But like I mentioned it could be a cultural thing in your state.
Sorry for going on. To wrap up I am not surprised that many men who come out in midlife have problems with identifying with the word, “Gay.” I had six years of learning about what it was to be a homosexual person, and another six months for me to feel comfortable identifying with being gay.
I can understand that an older male in midlife would have difficulty with the identity of being gay or a variant of gay. They lack the socialization of a gay community experience whether being on the curling or rugby club or just socialize with gay men in a coffee shop. The coming out process is just that, a process, and one’s temperament is crucial in understanding what that process involves.
In the late 70’s to 90’s I had a married bi-sexual friend. When we first met he wanted it be known that he was bi-sexual and not gay. By then I did not care what a person wanted to call themselves, as long as we enjoyed each other’s company. Well, by the time he died in the mid 90’s he was no longer calling himself bi-sexual; he fully accepted the word gay as an identity. I noticed how over the years he moved his identity from bi-sexual to gay. What helped him was the growing influence of his other gay friends around him that accepted him on his terms.
Your book sound like it may address many identity issues confronting a man in coming out in midlife, especially in isolated locations. I think that most of the men who have this midlife “gay” issue will in time understand that being gay has nothing to do with conformity, but being allowed to express their sexuality in anyway they find expression for their needs. For them, it’s the shock of the new, the new “them,” that can be scarey.
To answer your question, “Why is that?” I would add if we analyze what we are attracted to as gay men we may discover what it was in our infancy and youth that stimulated us in some way. Personally I think that my own eclectic mixes of what I find sexually attractive is based on the fact that as a kid I lived in different cultures growing up and I was exposed to many different versions of maleness. To use the term masculinity is too stereotypical to express what it is to be of the male gender.
You book sounds very interesting.
/s/ ttfn Graham
P.S. I attended an information presentation byJeff Sheng, photographer of high school and college gay athletic students, who are out to their teams. He has also has a book of out military personal, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. This made me think to ask that in your book will you be covering how different demographics within the midlife might handle the whole concept of being gay? For example, is there a difference how a retired military person handles “gay” compared with how a plumber or whatever?
Gay Seniors Gaining More Options for Retirement Communities
“Many in the LGBT community feel that their golden years is no time to be crawling back into the proverbial closet, which many feel is what would happen if they lived in any other type of community,” according to a GilbertGuide.com article. “And living in a place where specific needs and life experiences will be understood is important to all seniors regardless of sexual orientation.”
The MetLife Mature Market Institute’s 2006 “Out and Aging” report on gay and lesbian boomers found that 27% reported “great concern about discrimination as they age.” Less than half expressed strong confidence that health care professionals will treat them “with dignity and respect.” Fears of insensitive and discriminatory treatment by health care professionals are particularly strong among lesbians: 12% said they have “absolutely no confidence that they will be treated respectfully.”
The LGBT community faces difficult issues as they age. The support system isn’t always there. They are less likely to have adult children to care for them, and they may have been ostracized by family members, leaving them to contend with their own care. Without the benefit of domestic partner laws, gay couples face more red tape in securing benefits for their partners.
To see the rest of this article, check out Silver Planet.
OutComes for Children Raised By Gay Parents Equal to Those Raised by Straight Parents
As I am recovering from shoulder surgery, several of my on-line friends have contributed posts for my blog or allowed me to repost from their blog. This on gay adoption was originally published on Michael-in-Norfolk at Sunday, September 27, 2009.
Michael-in-Norfolk—Coming Out in Mid Life is written by a gay attorney in a committed relationship who came out in mid-life. He was formerly married and is the father of three children.
This time, the research and evidence disproves the bullshit line heard over and over again that "it takes a mother and a father to raise a child." It may be a convenient line for those who seek to impose their religious views on all, but it's just not true. First, a new book, Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children: Research on the Family Life Cycle has been published and lauded by the American Psychological Association. It’s findings? That the outcomes and well-being of children raised by gay and lesbian parents are no different than those of children raised by heterosexual parents. Here are some highlights from the Windy City News based on an APA press release: Goldberg’s new book is the first full-length analysis of the research on gay parenting, summarizing research data on the subject from the 1970’s to the present day. The research is consistent in suggesting that the outcomes and well-being of children raised by gay and lesbian parents are no different than those of children raised by heterosexual parents. Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children: Research on the Family Life Cycle provides a comprehensive review of recent research in a way that engages the perspectives of both the children and the parents who live in lesbian/gay-parent households. Also included are topics rarely discussed in the research studies to date, such as: divorce/relationship dissolution in lesbian/gay-parent households; the perspectives of non-heterosexual children of lesbian/gay parents. Similar conclusions were reached by researchers looking at the issue of the fitness of gays as adoptive parents contrasted with straight couples. Again, I suspect that the Christianists will continue their same old lies and try to dupe the ignorant into believing their anti-gay propaganda. Hopefully, judges and child welfare agencies will open their eyes and believe legitimate researches as opposed to those who have no support for their views except bogus “experts” and religious dogma. Here are highlights from Rueters: NEW YORK (Reuters Life!) – Gay or straight, the sexual orientation of adoptive parents does not have an impact on the emotional development of their children, according to a new study. But researchers said that if parents were satisfied with the adoption process, had a stable income and functioned well as a family the risk of emotional problems in children were reduced. “We found that sexual orientation of the adoptive parents was not a significant predictor of emotional problems,” Paige Averett, an assistant professor of social work at East Carolina University, said in a statement. Averett, Blace Nalavany, also of East Carolina University, and Scott Ryan, dean of the University of Texas School of Social Work, questioned nearly 1,400 couples in the United States, including 155 gay and lesbian parents. They used information from Florida’s public child welfare system and data from gay and lesbian couples throughout the U.S. for the study. The researchers said the findings, which are reported in the journal Adoption Quarterly, are important because it compared gay and lesbian and heterosexual couples. “There are implications for social work educators, adoption professionals, and policy makers in this and other recent studies,” said Averett. “We must pay attention to the data indicating that gay and lesbian parents are as fit as heterosexual parents to adopt,” Averett added, “because at least 130,000 children are depending on us to act as informed advocates on their behalf.” I love the fact that the evidence keeps on building that proves the anti-gay histrionics of James Dobson, Tony Perkins, and their faux experts are lies, plain and simple. The religious based bigotry of the Christianist has no place in setting public policy which needs to be based on science and objective fact. If only more of our elected officials would wake up to this fact. Are you listening Bob McDonnell and Ken Cuccinelli? I suspect not. Father’s Day With Two Dads MSNBC has a nice artilce that will no doubt cause Christianists to foam at the mouth and go into one of their sanctimonious snits. It looks at a gay couple who adopted three brothers who came from a nightmare family situation and who probably would not have been able to have been raised as siblings – assuming they could even be placed for adoption – but for these generous men. Having had a father who was raised in an orphanage, I am well aware of the emotional cost a child/adult bears if not raised in a loving family situation. Yet, the Christianists would prefer that children be left in orphanages or shuffled from foster home to foster home rather than have children raised by gay and lesbian couples. To me, this mindset shows that they value their own prejudice more than what is best for children like the boys featured in the story. I would laso note that of the gay adoptive parents that I know, most have adopted children with mutiple problems who would otherwise never have been adopted and some have spent huge amounts of securing proper medical care for their children. Here are some highlights: But Father’s Day will be a double celebration at their house because the brothers have two daddies — Geoffery and Devin, foster parents for the boys for three years before adopting them. “All we’re trying to do is raise three healthy boys to be participants in society,” said Geoffery, Devin’s partner for a decade. That’s a modest description for what the county judge who finalized the adoption in December called an act of heroism. The boys, taken from substance-abusing and incarcerated biological parents, faced long odds against growing up together. Given their treatment by the birth parents, there were far more questions than answers about physical and emotional issues that might arise for them down the road. “You are heroes in our community,” Judge Mary Yu said, beaming from the bench while the boys frolicked about the courtroom, the whole family decked out in red-and-white Mickey Mouse ski sweaters. “Who’s going to assume the burden of taking care of children like this, children who possibly have been neglected or set aside in some way? … People like you, who step up. Thank you.” While the adoption was facilitated by the state and lauded by the legal system in Western Washington, it would have been prohibited by law in some other states simply because Devin and Geoffery are gay. The twins have an array of issues related to their early childhood, including diagnoses of post traumatic stress disorder and probable attention deficit disorder. One was recently diagnosed with a fetal alcohol condition and they expect the other will be as well. “We go to therapy a lot,” Devin said. While the men prefer to avoid unnecessary conflict with people who reject their lifestyle (they ask doctors, day-care providers and others in advance if they have issues with gay families), they are irritated by the judgment gay parents sometimes face and acknowledge that they try to set a good example that “gay people can do this,” said Devin. “Where do the (foster) children come from?” Geoffery asked. “They come from dysfunctional, broken, heterosexual families. … If you took all of the children away from gay and lesbian parents in the United States today, what would the foster system look like?” Anonymous commented… Hi Michael, There’s a cute children’s book out called, “One Dad, Two Dads, Brown Dad, Blue Dads” by Johnny Valentine. Do you know it? It’s worth getting. Keep up the good work!
Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children: Research on the Family Life Cycle is the first book-length review and analysis of research on parenting by gay and lesbians and suggests that the outcomes well-being of their children are no different than those raised by heterosexual parents.
However, six states — Florida, Michigan, Mississippi, Nebraska, North Dakota and Utah — maintain some sort of bans on adoption or foster parenting by gays and lesbians. The restrictions are not based on any data or cases about gay parenting. For instance, the Florida law, passed in 1977, was intended to send a message to gay people that “we’re really tired of you” and “we wish you’d go back into the closet,” its sponsor, state Sen. Curtis Peterson, said at the time.
14 June, 2008
A Grandmother’s love for her gay grandson
Having suffered the consequences of a dangerous pig, I am now recovering from my shoulder surgery, and several of my on line friends have agreed to write guest posts or to allow me to re-publish some of their posts previously published on their blogs.
This guest post was written by Peter C. Frank and originally posted on his blog, Peter’s Place, on December 31, 2009, as, “A New Decade, Unconditional Love.” Peter is a 30-something, single, gay man living in the suburbs of New York City. He is disabled, and a GOP LGBT political activist who loves to snuggle.
Approximately one decade ago, Westchester County
where I live, was debating the passage of legislation that would establish its own Human Rights Law/Commission. The proposed legislation was extremely controversial because it included “sexual orientation” as a protected class–something the New York State law did not do at the time.
As someone who has been politically involved since high school and active in the LGBTQ rights movement, I wrote a letter to the editors of our local newspaper in support of the passage of the county’s proposed Human Rights Law. For whatever reason, somewhere around 90% of the letters to editors that I write actually get published, and this was no exception.
My letter appeared in the local paper, signed with my name and village of residence. My grandmother was very frail of health. At that time she’d had four major coronary infarctions and a series of minor strokes, along with the usual health problems associated with someone who is approaching their 80th birthday and had been smoking for over 60 years. She came into my room carrying the newspaper. While not bed-ridden, she didn’t often get out of bed except to use the facilities and go to doctor’s appointments.
She asked me how I could be so stupid as to have such a letter published with my name and location. I was very puzzled by her reaction, as she had tears in her eyes. I had already come out to her by this point, so it’s not like she didn’t about my being gay. I asked her what the big deal was.
She told me that there are very crazy people in the world and having my name and location published, someone could be hiding in the bushes outside of our house and attack me for being gay, or come by the house and throw rocks at me, or while I’m out and about someone could try to kill me. It was a cause of great consternation for her that I would be harmed by one of these crazy people.
I responded by telling my grandmother that it was she who instilled in me the values to stand up for what I believe in, to exercise my rights as guaranteed to me in the United States Constitution, and not to back down when I know I am fighting a just and worthy cause.
My grandmother hugged me, told me that she loved me, and urged that I be cautious and safe. She said she would pray that I not ever fall into harm’s way because of who I am, and advised that she would be worrying over me whenever I left the house, a promise she kept. Whenever I left, she wouldn’t go to sleep until I returned home safe and sound.
A few days later, a public hearing was being held on the proposed Human Rights Law. I was getting ready to leave the house, and my grandmother asked me where I was going. I told her that I was going to speak in support of the law at the public hearing. I had to explain a bit what was going on. She asked me if I could wait five minutes, and I said I would.
Less than five minutes later, my grandmother had her purse and winter coat, and told me that she was coming with me despite her frail health. There was nothing I could do to change her mind, so I brought her along to the public hearing.
We arrived a bit late, but not too late. We took seats near the front. When the legislators asked if anyone else wished to speak, I began to rise but my grandmother put her arm on me to keep me seated and instead rose herself and approached the podium.
At the podium, my grandmother relayed how she read my letter to the editor in the newspaper, and how scared she was for my safety. She told the legislators that she was a devout Roman Catholic, but that I was her grandson and she loved me no matter who I was or what I did. She implored the legislators to pass the Human Rights Law, so that she could stop worrying about the safety of her grandson and not have to worry that he would be fired from a job for being who he was.
I had absolutely no idea that “Grams” was going to do this. Tears filled my eyes — just as they are now as I recount these events. It was then, right there in the public hearing, that I came to know the true meaning of “Unconditional Love.” I couldn’t have been more proud, happy, or loved than I was at that point in time, until now.
The past decade has been a roller coaster of events that have affected me in various ways. Let’s view the events that have affected me over the past decade.
Be sure to check out Peter’s blog, “Peter’s Place.”
Back In Your Box
Having suffered the consequences of a dangerous pig, I am now recovering from my shoulder surgery, and several of my on line friends have agreed to write guest posts or to allow me to re-publish some of their posts previously published on their blogs.
Michael of Michael's Thoughts
This post is by “Michael,” who is a gay rights advocate, blogger and a happy-to-be-gay man, living, loving, and thinking about life in Boston and beyond. He has been together with his husband, Patrick, for over 11 years, and they have been married since 2006. Be sure to check out his blog, Michael’s Thoughts
We are a society of labels and boxes. We find comfort in placing people and groups of people into neat categories. I think it gives us a sense that if we can label it, we can understand it. Not so fast and not so easy.
There are general characteristics that I think we can assign to groups of people, although here too there can be exceptions. African Americans have brown skin, Chinese people are small in stature, heterosexual people are attracted to the opposite sex, and homosexual people are attracted to the same sex.
The generality of these descriptions can be helpful in identifying or picturing different groups of people in our mind. They are characteristics that broadly apply based on observation and fact. It is when the labels begin to include stereotypes and are applied to all that they become problematic.
Some stereotypes have a dotted line to group truth, but can not always be applied to an individual member of a particular group. When we do so, we deny the individuality of the person, the diversity of the larger group, and miss an opportunity for true understanding once we have stuck the label on an individual’s head. Let’s take Gay men for an example. I’ll give personal examples from within the Gay community. 
When I lived in Connecticut there was a small bar I would go to on Thursday nights. The Thursday night special was two for one drinks and the bar always had a good and fun crowd. The particular Thursday night I’m recalling was in September in the middle of the baseball playoff season. Being from New York and from the Bronx, I am a Yankees fan. The bar had a couple of television sets and one was tuned to the Yankee game. I bought my drinks and mindlessly parked myself in view of the game.
Occasionally I would take notice of a small group of men looking my way, whispering and then laughing. I even checked myself over in the mirror of the bathroom thinking maybe I had my shirt inside out or some other glaring flaw I missed before going out that night, but couldn’t find anything, so I just went on watching the game.
Finally two of the men probably in their mid to late fifties approached me. One said to me, “What’s with trying to look butch by watching the game, you’re not fooling anybody?” The other made some similar comment about Gay men who pretend they are interested in sports to pick up guys. I explained to them that I am a baseball fan and was genuinely interested in the game.
Unfortunately it didn’t end there, they decided to challenge me. I was asked to rattle off the Yankee line up, position each player held, and the batting order. I did so easily and my answers were verified by a quick check of the internet on someone’s phone. I received no apologies from the men; they just shook their heads, looked a bit disgusted and left me alone for the rest of the night.
For a brief time that night I was made to feel as if I didn’t fit into my own community. I remember it as a similar feeling to the one I had when I realized I didn’t fit into the heterosexual community, but this was worse as it came from people like me, people in the LGBT community.
My second example is more recent and prompted the idea to write this piece. My husband and I were out to dinner with another Gay male couple. My husband often says that the only Gay thing about me is that I’m attracted to men. Due to stereotypes, most people assume I’m heterosexual when they meet me, and as a result my coming out of the closet continues week after week, year after year.
My husband’s joke is just that, as he knows my likes and dislikes have a Gay sensibility to them. That night during dinner conversation I mentioned a Broadway actress whom I admire. One of our friends said he was shocked that I liked her or even knew who she was. I rattled off her body of work much to his amazement. Then I asked, “Why would you assume I wouldn’t be a fan of hers?”
My friend answered that I do not look like a guy who would be into Broadway. These examples demonstrate the danger of not recognizing the diversity in any community. If we practice this form of discrimination within our own community, how can we with credibly, ask heterosexual society to accept us and the many different types of people that make up the LGBT community? Acceptance of Gay people, who have diverse likes and dislikes as individuals by other Gay people, is vital to ending the discrimination against our community. While we all have the commonality of same sex orientation, we all wear Gay differently as unique individuals. We are old, and young, butch and, feminine. We are professional and blue collar, we are drag queens and leather boys. To label each other and deem one acceptable and one not, is hypocritical and counter productive to unifying the Gay community. We can not speak with one voice if we deny the value of that voice because it comes from someone different then ourselves. It separates us and wastes opportunities to truly know another member of our community. Unconditional acceptance does not negate disagreement or promote robotic groups speak. It allows for the support of all in our community and the recognition that each individual has a voice and opinion that will benefit the community if allowed to be heard. To pigeon hole a person is to deny the fullness of their humanity. It is what a heterosexist society does to us as it portrays us as lesser humans not deserving of equal civil rights.. Contact Michael on Twitter.
Mike Wallace report on “The Homosexuals,” CBS news clip 1967
An amazing CBS news clip here, a 1967 Mike Wallace report on “The Homosexuals”.
I found this very interesting clip on Towleroad. For many of us who are older, it helps put into perspective what our parents were listening to in those days. Even if we were not yet really aware of it on a consious level, this expression of sexuality was penetrating into the unconscious levels of our brains.
Mike Wallace, CBS 1967
“This much is certain. Male homosexuals in America number in the millions. And their number is growing. They are attracted mostly to the anonymity that a big city gives them. New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, San Francisco. The permissiveness and the variety of the city draw them. The average homosexual if there be such, is promiscuous. He is not interested in or capable of a lasting relationship like that of a heterosexual marriage. His sex life, his love life, consists of a series of chance encounters at the clubs and bars he inhabits, and even on the streets of the city. The one-night stand is a characteristic of the homosexual relationship….”
Mike Wallace report on “The Homosexuals,” CBS news clip 1967
The report discusses the Mattachine Society, Mattachine Society, one of the earliest American gay movement (or homophile) organizations, that began in Los Angeles in the winter of 1950. It was formed by Harry Hay, a leading gay activist and former Communist Party member, along with seven other gay men.
The name refers to the Société Mattachine, a French medieval masque group that allegedly traveled from village to village, using ballads and dramas to point out social injustice. The name was meant to symbolize the fact that “gays were a masked people, unknown and anonymous.”
Children, the Pride and Joy of Gay Fathers
Having previously written about the dangers of pigs, during a period of rehabilitation from my shoulder surgery, several of my on line friends have agreed to write guest posts or allow me to re-publish some of their own posts, previously published on their blogs.
Michael-in-Norfolk—Coming Out in Mid Life is written by a gay attorney in a committed relationship who came out in mid-life. He was formerly married and is the father of three children. This was originally posted by Michael on September 27, 2009. To read the original post and see a picture of his lovely daughter, click here.
My Pride and Joy
I often refer to my children as my greatest accomplishment in life and I continue to see them that way. Of all the difficulties involved with coming out in mid-life, the hardest perhaps is seeing your children less often and worrying about how your own trying to find self-acceptance will impact those you love.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cut my heart like a knife when my former wife succeeds to varying degrees in causing discord between my children and me. In fact, it’s the thought of having perhaps lost them that is one of the principal triggers for thoughts of suicide in me. A sense of hopelessness in the face of persecution by homophobic judges combines with that sadness to push me to the limits.
Amazingly, through it all my youngest child has seemed the most able to see what is really happening and has remained the most constantly true to me. I suspect that she has no idea how important she has been and always will be to me. Indeed, at times it’s often only been my concern over how my death would impact her which has enabled me to push back suicidal thoughts to date.
Because of her love and loyalty I wanted to post this special thank you to her. She is a true sweetheart and I love her so much — more that I suspect she will ever know.
In a comment posted which followed, Lyndon said, “Another reason to make sure you see the sunrise everyday.”
In a follow-up post, on May 27, 2009, Michael wrote the following:My Pride and Joy – Part II
Last night she left a comment on this blog which touched my heart deeply. I decided not to publish the entire comment, but I do want to share some of it with readers - especially those still in the closet and debating what to do in terms of whether or not they should come out or not. I believe that her comments suggest your children often understand far more than we give them credit for and that they hold more wisdom than we know. Here are some highlights from the comment my daughter posted: You were very obviously unhappy and angry, although for a long time we had no idea why, and I think that you being honest with yourself has been beneficial to our whole family. I don’t think mom was being selfish in that situation either though because, . . . I cant even imagine how hearing that news from your husband of 24 years must have been like. I think that neither of you will ever be able to understand because you have never been in the other one’s position. I am not going to comment or get involved with any of the court bullshit because that has just gotten ridiculous. And now I am done. I just kinda needed to get that off my chest. I hope it all makes sense. I love you Dad. I for one have NEVER, EVER wanted the divorce to be as mean and vicious as it has become through none of my doing. As for my younger daughter, I consider her – along with my two other children – my greatest achievement in life I love her dearly. I hope that any closeted readers take away the message that they should not automatically assume the worse in terms of their children’s reactions should they decide to “come out.” They might be greatly surprised by the wisdom of their children which can often exceed the wisdom of supposedly more mature adults. Loren’s Comments: I found these two posts particularly poignant for several reasons. Bitter divorces are sometimes the result, and some bitterness actually may be an essential part of the healing; it helps create a sense of confidence that moving on is the right thing to do. Hopeless, despair and substance abuse are not infrequently a consequence. My former wife and I have been able to move on to a better relationship after a few years of struggling. Our family has able to celebrate together two daughters' weddings, graduations, family birthday's and my ex-wife's retirement. My former wife has been an over-night guest in our home for some holidays. I think the final healing occured when we both realized the goodness and humanity of the other in spite of those differences we'd been through. We let go of blaming each other and owned our own part of the responsibility for a failed marriage. It has been good for both of us, particularly good for our children and I don't think our grandchildren even recognize that our family is much different than anyone else's. You may wish to read my granddaughter's comment on Best Gay Blogs.“My Grandpa Married a Man.”
hope everyday that we can put all of this behind us so that in one way or another we can all be like family again. Whether or not that will happen, who knows. . . . I say this to mom, and I’m going to say this to you too: try to imagine, though you’ll never be able to comprehend, how the other half of this situation must have felt and what they must have been struggling with. 
First, I think that much of society does not understand how central children are to men who are caught in the struggle between gay and straight. For many, it is the primary reason they continue to stay in a marriage long after they recognize that they are living a lie. For many of us, our kids were the most important thing we’ve ever done and not being a part of their lives on a daily basis was the biggest sacrifice we made in leaving our marriages.
Is this what people think of as “The Gay Scene?”
I recently discovered this post on the blog, Unattractive Gay Man blog, originally published on February 2, 2010.
I have edited it, but by clicking on the blog link, you can read the entire original post.
Finding Our Way: My Friend’s Story
Sean Penn as Harvey Milk
Sean Penn, acting in the character of Harvey Milk, said to one of his young gay assistants in the award-winning 2008 film Milk, “You’re going to meet the most extraordinary men, the sexiest, brightest, funniest men, and you’re going to fall in love with so many of them, and you won’t know until the end of your life who your greatest friends were or your greatest love was.”
I’m thinking of one gay friend in particular; his name is Alim. I always knew that Alim was both something of an optimist and a pessimist about gay life.
He came here as a mature adult from a culture where homosexuality was strongly suppressed and gay life virtually nonexistent. Unable to confront his sexuality in this environment, he never had an opportunity to explore his love for men until he came to Canada.
He’s an optimist in that he continues to put himself out there, fully out there, not ever hesitating to love. No matter how discouraged he may be when things don’t work out, he knows he’s meant to love another man, and this fact continues to motivate him.
The strongly sex-centered nature of the gay community/culture, he believes encourages this kind of romantic superficiality. At a point, he found himself meeting guys and being persuaded to have sex almost immediately, followed by a complete collapse of the incipient relationship after one or two rolls in the hay.
A religious man with a strong appreciation for tradition, he was disgusted by his behavior and that of the people around him. These were not his values or beliefs, which he felt had been debased.
One of his great passions and goals in life was to love a man, but instead he was having sex without ever knowing the closeness and lasting intimacy that he sought. On recounting his story, he went so far as to conclude that he’s “had enough of sex
Furthermore, after years of experience, he has come to the conclusion that it is nearly impossible to build the kind of relationship he was looking for in the gay culture that he knows, which focuses too much on the “sex.” The gay culture is truly the poorest and most miserable on this earth; it isn’t even a culture, it’s an attitude, and an ugly one at that.
Gay life has been cruel to him in many ways, from his inability to live freely before coming to Canada to the maddening disappointment once he was finally able to express his love for men. And he has found a new romantic interest in this regard, a kind mind he hopes to start a relationship one day!
POSTED BY CT MONTRÉAL
In response to my comment on his blog, CT MONTRÉAL offered some additional context.
But the problem is that many of them say they want love, but in reality sex seems to be the most important thing for them (his undeniable sex appeal, rather than his modest, caring, good-humoured personality, may have been what they were most attracted to in the first place).
Alim also faces cultural differences in trying to live here as well, which further complicates any relationship. He came here not understanding why people want to have sex without developing a loving relationship, as in the experiences of his family and friends back home (a much more ‘traditional’ society) sex was not and activity generally permitted outside of marriage (and hopefully love).
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I found the article distressing because of it’s judgment about the gay community, of which I am a part, because it doesn’t describe my life or the lives of many of the men that I know or hear from.
However, there are a lot of men who have sex with men (MSM) who see the entire gay community in precisely the way described, and they often put in their profiles and conversations, “Straight appearing. Not a part of ‘the scene.’” Often they resist being labeled gay. I frequently wonder if these men are seeing “the gay scene” in only one dimension.
And we must acknowledge that there are some very outspoken, gay political activists who are very critical of gay men who remain closeted. Perhaps these men are also seeing the gay community as much more homogeneous than it is.
Is sex with another man or men too much a part of our world, or is it just so obvious because it is the one element in our lives which connects all of us? Or is possible the anticipation of sexual pleasure floods the brain with dopamine which short-circuits the neurons associated with rational thought?
I am very interested in others comments on this apparent contradiction.
I Can’t See the Future
When I hear the words, “I can’t see the future,” as a psychiatrist, I get very concerned. These words were spoken by Colin Firth as English Professor George Falconer in the recently released independent film, “A Single Man,” that I saw with my husband last night. The words were spoken by Professor Falconer after he lost his younger lover, Jim, in a car accident.
Colin Firth in A Single Man
As the older partner in an intergenerational gay relationship, I have until recently always assumed I would die first, and my concerns had been about how Doug would go on after my death. When the younger member of a gay a gay couple who have been friends of ours recently died unexpectedly, my thoughts began to shift to, “How would I survive it if I am the one left alone?”
Depression and grief, although over-lapping in their symptoms, are not the same things. Grief is about the realistic elements of life without someone you love; it responds to the support and reassurance of family and friends that no matter how tough a loss is, you’ll make it through.
Depression sets in sometimes following grief, and thinking begins to get distorted. It involves sleep disturbance, slowed and sticky thinking, lack of energy and concentration, and despair. Much like in a terminal illness, it is being unable to see a future where one can survive while being alone. It is the feeling of being alone and unimaginable pain that feels worse than being terminally ill.
One writer criticized the movie for moving in places with a “glacial pace,” but that is precisely how depression works. Time gets distorted and each minute goes on endlessly. Anyone who has been depressed will see that the movie perfectly captures the distortion of time that occurs when one is depressed.
The high rate of suicide in LGBT youth has begun to capture the interest of society, as well it should, but I have found no references in the medical literature to studies which include sexual orientation among the risk factors for suicide for older gay men and women, although I believe it might be significant.
Much of the pain of coming out for either youth or mature men and women trapped in a world between gay and straight is the result of the loneliness one feels, believing that no one else has ever been through what one is experiencing. It sets the stage for depression, alcohol and substance abuse, and suicide. It is my belief that a feeling of hopelessness that does not respond to support and reassurance is central in a person’s decision about suicide.
The movie is set in the 1960’s, the decade when baby boomers were just coming of age, and with Lucky Strike cigarettes, bees hive hair-do’s and beautiful period costumes, the movie drew me back to a time when “gay’ was never heard and “homosexuality” was rarely even whispered
Remember when everyone smoked, even in college classrooms? Remember when people felt they had to “present themselves” as straight so they could pass in a heterosexual world, and when gay lovers were not invited to “family only” funerals? Oh, wait. That still happens.
The movie has a very poignant scene where Julianne Moore’s character says to Falconer, “You’re relationship with Jim was only a substitute for the real thing.”
The movie’s references to the “Cuban Missile Crisis” returned me to memories of having drills where we hid beneath our desks as if it would have saved us from an atomic attack. This “Crisis” is a metaphor for my generation. The enemy was not the Russians, but fear, and fear of homosexuality, our own or others, was just another one of those irrational fears, one of which some people are still unable to let go.
Colin Firth and Matthew Goode
This movie presents a gay love story as just a love story. The gay characters and those relate to them are nuanced, not blatant references to stereotypes. The cinematography captures stunningly beautiful close-ups – some have compared it to perfume ads – and the beautiful male bodies may give even strictly heterosexual men some second thoughts. It re-creates the world that gay baby boomers will remember, much of which contributed to feeling trapped between the worlds of gay and straight.
“A Single Man” has been nominated for and received several awards. This is a movie you must see, even if you have to sneak off alone to see it.