One Older Man’s Relationship with a Younger Man
I just received this comment in response to one of my earlier posts. I think it is important enough that I also want to share it in the blog.
I just thought I’d submit some ideas to this as well as my experience as of late. I am 40 years old and in April of last year finally left a destructive relationship with a guy of the same age after 16 years. The last thing I thought at the time was that I would meet someone again so soon….but to my amazement I met an amazing young man that was only 21 at the time. He is now 22.
I honestly dont think that I would have even given it a shot based on age, but as it turned out he is more mature, honest and sincere than most men of my age. Moreover, Ive never experienced the level of communication I have with him, ever!
Now, thats not to say that we do not have arguments or don’t see eye to eye on everything, but with the communication and honesty and maturity, I honestly NEVER think about the age difference between us. Never!
Some people have posted questions as to why this happens and why it works, and I agree to most of their points. One that I do not is the sexual part of it. I am not and was not looking for someone because they are “hot”. I never have. Although my other half now is very attractive, if he were not able to connect with me emotionally…..there would be nothing.
I did wonder in the beginning why someone that age would want an older guy just as many other posts have suggested. I also wondered whether or not it may have been some Daddy issue.
My partner and I have talked about this quite a bit and it really comes down to the fact that he just does not relate to the gay men his own age. He is more attracted to someone that is done with the gay scene and is more established.
As far as the mentoring part of it is concerned, I’m not sure I agree with that one completely. I think that he learns from me, of course, but what nobody has really mentioned is that no matter what relationship you are in, we all learn from each other.
Since I am older, I’ve noticed that older guys sometimes forget to just relax and have fun and not take things so seriously all the time!!!! I learn from my guy everyday just as much as he learns from me.
Going back to the sex part, in that way…yes maybe some mentoring there. Because I have been around for a bit longer, there are many things sexually he has not experienced. If anything was difficult in our relationship in regards to the age difference, it would be this area. In the beginning, we had some differences because I dont look at sex as having roles in a relationship, and since he is younger, he had not experienced sex in as many wasy. So for example, some sexual activities were hard for him because he thought of it as being conquered as opposed to looking at it as something he enjoys.
Alas, because of the great communication….this only lasted for a couple months. Now, its honestly the best sexual relationship we both have ever had.
I’d like to and will share more later because I think this is an important thing to discuss, I’m just out of time for the moment. Thanks for hearing me out and I hope this helps anyone who is going through this as well!
Hello,
I am 23 years old and have been curious about the often-stigmatized cross-generational relationship.
I’m out of country for work and finally looking to pursue things I have been hesitant to pursue back in the states, particularly cross-generational relationships.
I enjoyed reading your entry and was wondering where you two met? How did you two connect? I’ve been single for several years now and haven’t dated since then so I feel like I’m a newbie all over again.
Any tips on dating? I hate going to clubs and bars because most only want one thing: inebriated sex. However, I sometimes find myself in those spaces again because, well, I feel clueless sometimes.
I appreciate any response.
Best,
John
It is interesting to me that cross-generational relationships are stigmatized, even within the gay community. I find it particularly interesting that young men are more frequently asked to defend their interest in older men than older men are asked to defend their interest in younger men. Culturally, in both homosexual and heterosexual relationships, we seem to consider it normal for an older person to have an interest in a younger person.
May gay men who are attracted to older men have said they have needed to come out twice, once as a gay person and then a second time as a gay person who prefers the company of older men.
I am working on more about this for my book, Finally Out: Unlocking the Closet in Midlife and Beyond, which is due out this fall. Briefly, I think the explanation is quite complex. I suspect there is some genetic basis for our attractions, and our genetic predispositions are expressed in a particular environment. Often a relationship with the father is called into question but I hear from some that they seek a relationship with an older man because they had no relationship with their father; at the same time I hear from others that they are interested in older men because they want to re-create the a wonderful relationship with their father or their grandfather.
I met Doug in a gay bar; 24 years ago there were very few other places. Many men who seek intergeneration relationships find men to date on the internet. Of course, one has to sort through some very sexually explicit material, but I find many men on the internet who are seeking serioius older/younger relationship, and in fact, many say specifically that the sexually component of the relationship is secondary.
I always encourage men to establish a relationship through correspondence first, and then to meet in neutral settings for the first time. Often it is good to meet for breakfast or lunch because there isn’t the pressure to end the evening with “Your place or mine?” There are several links to gay meeting sites on this web site.
Stay tuned. I will be addressing these issues more on the website as time goes on.
Loren Olson
I am a 24 year old who likes exclusively older men.
I never had a paternal figure so I did miss that severely, I shall say. I longed for a paternal figure, because my father left us, when I was just 5 years old, I found out I was gay and liked older men when I was probably 7 years old, since I can perfectly recall watching a soapopera in Portugues and liking the lead actor and also older mature guy.
I can perfectly relate to what’s being discussed for I feel that people, (young gay friends) do not consider my preference for older men natural.
I have asked myself many times the question and people who know about me and I am closer with generally ask, “Do you feel that you need to fill something that you did not get as a child?”
To that I would say, “No, I simply happened to be a homosexual and I did not have a paternal figure.”
I think most people try to fulfill any need that was not met during childhood, so i happen to have that need, it’s normal. I don’t think I can have any lustful feeling for a person my age, I simply would not even consider it. I don’t think I will ever, at some point in my life switch over and date guys my age or younger. It’s a preference for life.
If you guys want to read something quite amusing and interesting here it is: I have a younger brother, who’s also gay, and who also likes older men exclusively,. When he came out he was living in different country from me, then he came to Los Angeles and dated only older men. Back home he had also dated someone older.
What do you guys think of this?
Excuse my English, it is my second language.
Lou
Lou, Thanks for your comment.
I hear comments like this many times. I spoke with a 66 year old man from the South in the U. S. last night. Before his partner died, he had been with him for over 40 years; his partner was nearly 20 years older. Yesterday I also corresponded with a 32 year old man from London, who has never had a sexual relationship with either a man or a womn, and he is very frightened and depressed about his attraction to older men. Another from the Phillipines is in his later 30′s, married and with children, and although he has had more man/man sexual experience, he is struggling with the same issue.
Some men have had wonderful relationships with the fathers; some, like Lou, did not.
What appears almost universally true is that the younger partner is seeking a man who is mature, is comfortable with himself, demonstrates compassion and a sense of his humanity. Each is emotionally more comfortable with a man such as this.
They generally express the feeling that they are fully capable of caring for themselves. They resent the idea that others believe that are looking for a rich “sugar daddy,” who will care for them lavishly.
Most have had some difficulty in getting their same age peers to understand their attraction to older men.
When I speak with older men, they usually tell me that their attraction to older men began when they were very young, and has remained constant throughout their lives. Even when they, themselves, are older, their continue to experience attraction to men older than they are. This attraction seems permanent and unalterable.
I am often asked, “Why am I only attracted to older men.” I have no answer for that, but it appears to me that it is natural, normal and just a matter of preference. I suspect the answer of “Why?” is very complex. I also find it interesting that older men are rarely asked, “Why are you attracted only to younger men?” An explanation is not demanded of them, perhaps since culturally we experience that as, “It’s only normal.”
As the older man said to me last night, “Loving another person has no relationship to the gender of the other person.” The same I think is true for age.
My advice is to embrace it, accept it as normal and valid for you. Accept that others will not understand and may even be critical of it. Realize that it is not likely to change. But most of all, stop believing that you are sick or deviant because of it, and disregard others who say that it is.
Loren.
I am 50, he is 24, and we’re happy. His family is up in arms.
I’m distressed for him and want our relationship to work. Not sure the best course to take.
I’ve opened the door several times to have it slammed in my face. For now, I am just letting time pass and letting him know I will do whatever will assist him best.
I came to this sight for general advice about this generational difference (which is the first for both of us), but welcome input from others who have faced this issue.
Thank you
I’ll take a shot at this first.
Intergenerational relationships like yours are much more common than most believe, but they are often misunderstood. Even those in the gay community often challenge a younger man who is attracted to an older man, not trusting that it is based on love and affection. Sometimes they are accused of seeking a “sugar daddy” who will take care of them. Obiously, this can make some young men very angry because they are completely capable of taking care of themselves.
Some times older men are accused of “recruitng” younger men “into the lifestyle.” Although we know there is no basis in that, the myth persists.
How long has your younger friend been out to his family? I think it is important to remember that although many of us have struggled for years with our sexual orientation, once we have decided to accept it, we expect others to be on board with it and be as excited as we are. Give the family time, lots of time.
In some cases families simply can’t deal with any gay relationship, and it may not be your age which is the issue. Knowing their son has someone he loves may just be validating for them that he is gay, and they’re not happy about it. Perhaps they hoped he would grow out of it. Don’t try to force yourself on them.
The most important issue is to focus on your relationship. Relationships alone require work. Then develop a network of friends who will be supportive of you. Occasionally, issues with family are never resolved, and the support of the “family of choice” is more important than the family of origin. But a supportive community of friends is critical. It isn’t necessary that they only be gay friends; heterosexual friends who understand and accept the nature of your relationship are equally important.
Bottom line: Focus on those things you have some control over, and let go of the things you can’t control. The feelings of the family are not something you can control. Give them time; hopefully they will come around, and many do.
Loren Olson
Thank you for that wonderful story.
I myself am 42 and in a two year relationship with a 20 year old man. I am presently married and have been for 23 years. I also have a 22 year old son. Sounds crazy I know.
My son got hooked on herion about four years ago and it was hell and still is. My wife has been abusing alcohol for ten years. We used to have an almost perfect relationship.
My son was in and out of jail and my wife drank herself into the hospital. I did all I can do for the both of them.
It was very hard on me all those years and I sought a friend. I answered an ad younger guy looking for an older guy. To my amazment we hit it off and fell deeply in love with each other.
My son now is in rehab and my wife made a full recovery from being an alcoholic and wants to work things out, but I don’t have the heart to let him go. We emotionallly connect so deeply its crazy, and we read each other so well as sexual partners.
I also don’t have the heart to let my wife go fully, because of all the years we were involved with each other.
I still love her but not in a sexual way because he has my heart.
Any advice?
That is quite a story, and it sounds like you have been through an awful lot. You deserve some happiness.
I can’t make this decision for you, but I can make a couple of comments. I think that you also might find some answers through Al-Anon. One of their basic principles is when you are dealing with a loved one, in your case two, who have a substance abuse problem, you need to learn to allow them to be responsible for their consequences of their behaviors. Both your son and your wife will need to deal with their addictions for the rest of their lives, and that means, since you are forever connected to them, you will need to deal with it forever as well.
You must break the decision into two parts: 1. Do you want to remain married? 2. Do you want to live your life in a same-sex relationship?
This decision should not be made on the basis of a choice between two people, both of whom you love, albeit in different in different ways. It should be based on whether or not you wish to return to living the heterosexual way that you were, or accepting the risks dealing with the consequences related to living your life as a homosexual man. Either way, you will pay a price.
Your wife and your son both must accept responsibility for the choices they’ve made and their future sobriety. that is something over which you have no control.
Good luck.
Loren Olson
[...] In middle age, men are still coasting, but age may enhance some aspects of an older man’s attractiveness; grey hair on a man may be considered distinguished and a sign of wisdom. One younger man said he likes older men because “all of the corners have been rounded off.” I have previously written about the attraction between younger and older men and an older man responded about his experience in finding a younger man. [...]
I am a 36 year old male who is partnered with a 22 year old male. We are just a week away from celebrating our four year anniversary. Prior to meeting him, I had been married for 14 years.
Being raised in the “belt buckle” of the Bible Belt, I would say that I believed that I was to conform to certain standards and that being gay was one of those parts of myself that I would have to deny in order to get a job, appear normal, and gain acceptance.
I have two older brothers who were very athletic where I am more into music and the arts. I think as I grew up, I felt inferior to them and had trouble gaining acceptance into their world.
While in junior high and high school, I thought there were a few cute girls and even dated some of them, but never had sexual relations other than kissing. Behind the scenes, I had a couple of guys that we would mess around after school and at each others house on sleepovers.
During my marriage I had shared my interest and what I deemed a need for male companionship with my wife. I lacked and desired the intimacy of being with another man. Of course, my wife was clueless on how to respond. She loved and still to this day loves me with all of her heart. I have never known what to do or to say that would take the hurt away.
She says that I have deceived her by not telling her about my male interest. I tell her that I was not being truthful with myself and there was never any intention of hurting her. The marriage was not emotionally fulfilling and was wrought with severe financial problems. We were always looking for a way to keep the focus off of our problems.
In 2006, I met my partner. We actually met at church… a big ol’ Southern Baptist Church to be exact. I remember the first day I saw him and knew there was an instant attraction. He says he had noticed me about four years before then and had been attracted to me ever since.
It was through a mutual friend that we learned of each others attraction. Since that day, there has rarely been a day that we have not shared in each others life. All of the cynicism that I had about gay men and the depth in which those relationships can be continues to fade.
My partner and I enjoy being two guys who are sharing their lives together. Many of my friends never thought that our relationship would work, but I am here to say that my partner is completely transparent to me. We love being with one another. We travel, shop, go to movies, go on walks, go bike riding, and share great intimate moments. At 22, he has no interest in chasing or being chased by other men. He doesn’t sneak around behind my back, and I believe he makes me a better person.
I am not sure if we qualify as a cross generational relationship but I will assume that we do. In my instance, I was very lucky to have found my partner. I think that he is a rare find. Since I live in a large town with many young gay/curious men, and am considered to be quite good looking myself, I’ve had many young men express interest in me. While I am very flattered, I also see an extraordinary level of immaturity and I would not risk for one moment what I have with my partner for a quickie with these guys.
My advice would be to proceed with caution and don’t base a relationship on great sex. If you are in it for sex, then keep it at that level. If a friendship starts to develop over a period of several months and years, then I think you may give more serious thought to a relationship.
Thanks for all the posts. I’m a gay man, 51. I’ve adopted a 23-year old son, who came out recently. No, that’s not where this is going!
I just found out that the person he’s dating is 43. From mutual friends I’m assured that the person dating my son is really a nice guy. Of course, I’m scared to death for my son’s safety and well being. You’re helping me relax a bit today after reading these posts.
Seems to be a kind of orientation thing, correct? Is there anything that should concern me? Any warning signs or anything? I have no idea where the relationship between them might be headed. It might just be a comfortable place for them for a few months, or the start of a very long partnership.
I’m committed to treating whoever my son takes as a partner to be my son in law, with all the love and acceptance I give my own son. I hadn’t quite expected that to be someone almost my same age, and that is going to take quite a bit of getting used to!
My son has been through an extraordinary amount in his 23 years, which is why I did an adult adoption, and I just don’t want to see him hurt in any way. I’m extremely protective of vulnerable people, and I guess this is what my gut reaction is.
While I can understand this, to an extent, from my son’s angle, I’m also looking at it from an older gay man’s perspective. Yes, my son is an attractive young man. I couldn’t imagine thinking of him in those kinds of terms, however, and every fiber in my being just wants to protect kids that age.
Any books to recommend? I’m totally dedicated to my son, and I want to understand whatever it is that he’s into to help him and guide him safely.
Seems to be a kind of orientation thing, correct? Is there anything that should concern me? Any warning signs or anything?
I would encourage you not to make any judgments about this relationship, at least until you have met the man he is dating. He may very well be a nice guy as your mutal friends say he is. Just because he is older does not mean that he is going to take advantage of your son.
When there is a significant disparity in age, it frequently brings up the question, “Why have they made this choice?” There is no easy answer to that question. I believe that choices about mates are complex and for the most part, not a part of rational thought. When a choice is made from our unconscioius, we are at a loss to explain it with rational explanations. In other words, it is unlikely that your son can give you any explanation for his choice.
All parents want to protect their kids from pain, but it isn’t always possible. Kids must learn to make their own decisions, and sometimes they may not make very good ones. However, in what you have said, there isn’t anything to suggest that this is a bad choice for him. It is just not the choice you would have made for him. Love never comes without risk.
I would encourage any parent to get to know the people their children are dating, and this situation is no different. Your son needs to know you support his ability to make his own decisions, even when you don’t agree with them.
Any of us who discover we are gay, irrespective of the age when we make this discovery, must begin exploration of our sexuality in much the same way as any adolescent. Your son is just beginning the process of self discovery.
Any books to recommend?
There really isn’t much I’ve found written about older/younger relationships. If you search on this site for “younger,” you will find what I have written about it. What I have learned in speaking with others is that younger men often have to defend their choice of an older man; older men rarely have to defend their choice of a younger man. Younger gay men frequently say they meet disapproval from their gay friends because they prefer older men.
Often it is because they are accused of seeking someone to care for them. Most of these younger men say they are quite capable of taking care of themselves. One younger man said he likes older men “because they have all of their corners rounded off.” I think that is an excellent metaphor for the way the older man is perceived.
Loren Olson
Thanks so much for this excellent advice.
Actually, several of my gay friends are in partnerships that have quite an age disparity. It seems quite natural when I see them after they’ve been together for 15-20 years, and they’re very happy.
I just had never experienced it at the BEGINNING of a partnership quite like this before.
Again, thanks, you’re really calming me down quite a bit. Take care and thanks so very much.
I have found a great deal of useful insight in this discussion. About a month ago, I met a young man who identifies as straight but who has struck up a fairly cozy relationship with me. I have taken him to a couple of places with friends and explained to him that he might have a difficult time with the comments that will follow if he associates with an older “out” gay man. (I’m 42, he is 24)
I have been (A) amazed that he genuinely does not seem to care about how his friends or family might react, and that (B) he has been more mature about the situation than I have, because I have, for his benefit, been almost secretive about something that is, essentially, a healthy and normal friendship.
Will sex follow? Perhaps, but that is not important at the moment.
I have a handsome young friend who likes to spend time with me, and I can provide him with some material things that he, in his situation, cannot afford himself. It seems to be working out pretty well. My point? I guess I just want to reinforce earlier comments that we learn from each other. In a brief time, he has taught me a lot, perhaps more than I have taught him, particularly about honesty and being comfortable with who and what you are. A 24 year old man can be awfully wise, and a 42 year old man can have a pretty childish view of things!
I suspect that the younger man may not have yet explored his sexuality. Thinking of himself as “gay” may be a much bigger step than he’s ready to take at this time.
Some men never want to label themselves as gay, even though they have sex exclusively with men. They have not shed all of the stereotypes associated with “out and proud” gay men. They frequently say, “I am not a part of the ‘scene.’”
Of course it is possible that this young man is heterosexual and just enjoys your company and the company of your friends. Some young people describe themselves as “mostly heterosexual,” suggesting that they might enjoy an occasional romp with a gay man.
The important message here is that men are a very diverse group, not just in an expression of their sexuality, but in other ways too.
Loren Olson