Some men never want to label themselves as gay, even though they have sex exclusively with men. They have not shed all of the stereotypes associated with “out and proud” gay men. They frequently say, “I am not a part of the ‘scene.’”

Of course it is possible that this young man is heterosexual and just enjoys your company and the company of your friends. Some young people describe themselves as “mostly heterosexual,” suggesting that they might enjoy an occasional romp with a gay man.

The important message here is that men are a very diverse group, not just in an expression of their sexuality, but in other ways too.

Loren Olson

I have been (A) amazed that he genuinely does not seem to care about how his friends or family might react, and that (B) he has been more mature about the situation than I have, because I have, for his benefit, been almost secretive about something that is, essentially, a healthy and normal friendship.

Will sex follow? Perhaps, but that is not important at the moment.

I have a handsome young friend who likes to spend time with me, and I can provide him with some material things that he, in his situation, cannot afford himself. It seems to be working out pretty well. My point? I guess I just want to reinforce earlier comments that we learn from each other. In a brief time, he has taught me a lot, perhaps more than I have taught him, particularly about honesty and being comfortable with who and what you are. A 24 year old man can be awfully wise, and a 42 year old man can have a pretty childish view of things!

Actually, several of my gay friends are in partnerships that have quite an age disparity. It seems quite natural when I see them after they’ve been together for 15-20 years, and they’re very happy.

I just had never experienced it at the BEGINNING of a partnership quite like this before.

Again, thanks, you’re really calming me down quite a bit. Take care and thanks so very much.

I would encourage you not to make any judgments about this relationship, at least until you have met the man he is dating. He may very well be a nice guy as your mutal friends say he is. Just because he is older does not mean that he is going to take advantage of your son.

When there is a significant disparity in age, it frequently brings up the question, “Why have they made this choice?” There is no easy answer to that question. I believe that choices about mates are complex and for the most part, not a part of rational thought. When a choice is made from our unconscioius, we are at a loss to explain it with rational explanations. In other words, it is unlikely that your son can give you any explanation for his choice.

All parents want to protect their kids from pain, but it isn’t always possible. Kids must learn to make their own decisions, and sometimes they may not make very good ones. However, in what you have said, there isn’t anything to suggest that this is a bad choice for him. It is just not the choice you would have made for him. Love never comes without risk.

I would encourage any parent to get to know the people their children are dating, and this situation is no different. Your son needs to know you support his ability to make his own decisions, even when you don’t agree with them.

Any of us who discover we are gay, irrespective of the age when we make this discovery, must begin exploration of our sexuality in much the same way as any adolescent. Your son is just beginning the process of self discovery.

Any books to recommend?

There really isn’t much I’ve found written about older/younger relationships. If you search on this site for “younger,” you will find what I have written about it. What I have learned in speaking with others is that younger men often have to defend their choice of an older man; older men rarely have to defend their choice of a younger man. Younger gay men frequently say they meet disapproval from their gay friends because they prefer older men.

Often it is because they are accused of seeking someone to care for them. Most of these younger men say they are quite capable of taking care of themselves. One younger man said he likes older men “because they have all of their corners rounded off.” I think that is an excellent metaphor for the way the older man is perceived.

Loren Olson

I just found out that the person he’s dating is 43. From mutual friends I’m assured that the person dating my son is really a nice guy. Of course, I’m scared to death for my son’s safety and well being. You’re helping me relax a bit today after reading these posts.

Seems to be a kind of orientation thing, correct? Is there anything that should concern me? Any warning signs or anything? I have no idea where the relationship between them might be headed. It might just be a comfortable place for them for a few months, or the start of a very long partnership.

I’m committed to treating whoever my son takes as a partner to be my son in law, with all the love and acceptance I give my own son. I hadn’t quite expected that to be someone almost my same age, and that is going to take quite a bit of getting used to!

My son has been through an extraordinary amount in his 23 years, which is why I did an adult adoption, and I just don’t want to see him hurt in any way. I’m extremely protective of vulnerable people, and I guess this is what my gut reaction is.

While I can understand this, to an extent, from my son’s angle, I’m also looking at it from an older gay man’s perspective. Yes, my son is an attractive young man. I couldn’t imagine thinking of him in those kinds of terms, however, and every fiber in my being just wants to protect kids that age.

Any books to recommend? I’m totally dedicated to my son, and I want to understand whatever it is that he’s into to help him and guide him safely.

Being raised in the “belt buckle” of the Bible Belt, I would say that I believed that I was to conform to certain standards and that being gay was one of those parts of myself that I would have to deny in order to get a job, appear normal, and gain acceptance.

I have two older brothers who were very athletic where I am more into music and the arts. I think as I grew up, I felt inferior to them and had trouble gaining acceptance into their world.

While in junior high and high school, I thought there were a few cute girls and even dated some of them, but never had sexual relations other than kissing. Behind the scenes, I had a couple of guys that we would mess around after school and at each others house on sleepovers.

During my marriage I had shared my interest and what I deemed a need for male companionship with my wife. I lacked and desired the intimacy of being with another man. Of course, my wife was clueless on how to respond. She loved and still to this day loves me with all of her heart. I have never known what to do or to say that would take the hurt away.

She says that I have deceived her by not telling her about my male interest. I tell her that I was not being truthful with myself and there was never any intention of hurting her. The marriage was not emotionally fulfilling and was wrought with severe financial problems. We were always looking for a way to keep the focus off of our problems.

In 2006, I met my partner. We actually met at church… a big ol’ Southern Baptist Church to be exact. I remember the first day I saw him and knew there was an instant attraction. He says he had noticed me about four years before then and had been attracted to me ever since.

It was through a mutual friend that we learned of each others attraction. Since that day, there has rarely been a day that we have not shared in each others life. All of the cynicism that I had about gay men and the depth in which those relationships can be continues to fade.

My partner and I enjoy being two guys who are sharing their lives together. Many of my friends never thought that our relationship would work, but I am here to say that my partner is completely transparent to me. We love being with one another. We travel, shop, go to movies, go on walks, go bike riding, and share great intimate moments. At 22, he has no interest in chasing or being chased by other men. He doesn’t sneak around behind my back, and I believe he makes me a better person.

I am not sure if we qualify as a cross generational relationship but I will assume that we do. In my instance, I was very lucky to have found my partner. I think that he is a rare find. Since I live in a large town with many young gay/curious men, and am considered to be quite good looking myself, I’ve had many young men express interest in me. While I am very flattered, I also see an extraordinary level of immaturity and I would not risk for one moment what I have with my partner for a quickie with these guys.

My advice would be to proceed with caution and don’t base a relationship on great sex. If you are in it for sex, then keep it at that level. If a friendship starts to develop over a period of several months and years, then I think you may give more serious thought to a relationship.

I can’t make this decision for you, but I can make a couple of comments. I think that you also might find some answers through Al-Anon. One of their basic principles is when you are dealing with a loved one, in your case two, who have a substance abuse problem, you need to learn to allow them to be responsible for their consequences of their behaviors. Both your son and your wife will need to deal with their addictions for the rest of their lives, and that means, since you are forever connected to them, you will need to deal with it forever as well.

You must break the decision into two parts: 1. Do you want to remain married? 2. Do you want to live your life in a same-sex relationship?

This decision should not be made on the basis of a choice between two people, both of whom you love, albeit in different in different ways. It should be based on whether or not you wish to return to living the heterosexual way that you were, or accepting the risks dealing with the consequences related to living your life as a homosexual man. Either way, you will pay a price.

Your wife and your son both must accept responsibility for the choices they’ve made and their future sobriety. that is something over which you have no control.

Good luck.

Loren Olson

I myself am 42 and in a two year relationship with a 20 year old man. I am presently married and have been for 23 years. I also have a 22 year old son. Sounds crazy I know.

My son got hooked on herion about four years ago and it was hell and still is. My wife has been abusing alcohol for ten years. We used to have an almost perfect relationship.

My son was in and out of jail and my wife drank herself into the hospital. I did all I can do for the both of them.

It was very hard on me all those years and I sought a friend. I answered an ad younger guy looking for an older guy. To my amazment we hit it off and fell deeply in love with each other.

My son now is in rehab and my wife made a full recovery from being an alcoholic and wants to work things out, but I don’t have the heart to let him go. We emotionallly connect so deeply its crazy, and we read each other so well as sexual partners.

I also don’t have the heart to let my wife go fully, because of all the years we were involved with each other.

I still love her but not in a sexual way because he has my heart.

Any advice?

Intergenerational relationships like yours are much more common than most believe, but they are often misunderstood. Even those in the gay community often challenge a younger man who is attracted to an older man, not trusting that it is based on love and affection. Sometimes they are accused of seeking a “sugar daddy” who will take care of them. Obiously, this can make some young men very angry because they are completely capable of taking care of themselves.

Some times older men are accused of “recruitng” younger men “into the lifestyle.” Although we know there is no basis in that, the myth persists.

How long has your younger friend been out to his family? I think it is important to remember that although many of us have struggled for years with our sexual orientation, once we have decided to accept it, we expect others to be on board with it and be as excited as we are. Give the family time, lots of time.

In some cases families simply can’t deal with any gay relationship, and it may not be your age which is the issue. Knowing their son has someone he loves may just be validating for them that he is gay, and they’re not happy about it. Perhaps they hoped he would grow out of it. Don’t try to force yourself on them.

The most important issue is to focus on your relationship. Relationships alone require work. Then develop a network of friends who will be supportive of you. Occasionally, issues with family are never resolved, and the support of the “family of choice” is more important than the family of origin. But a supportive community of friends is critical. It isn’t necessary that they only be gay friends; heterosexual friends who understand and accept the nature of your relationship are equally important.

Bottom line: Focus on those things you have some control over, and let go of the things you can’t control. The feelings of the family are not something you can control. Give them time; hopefully they will come around, and many do.

Loren Olson