Children, the Pride and Joy of Gay Fathers
Having previously written about the dangers of pigs, during a period of rehabilitation from my shoulder surgery, several of my on line friends have agreed to write guest posts or allow me to re-publish some of their own posts, previously published on their blogs.
Michael-in-Norfolk—Coming Out in Mid Life is written by a gay attorney in a committed relationship who came out in mid-life. He was formerly married and is the father of three children. This was originally posted by Michael on September 27, 2009. To read the original post and see a picture of his lovely daughter, click here.
My Pride and Joy
I often refer to my children as my greatest accomplishment in life and I continue to see them that way. Of all the difficulties involved with coming out in mid-life, the hardest perhaps is seeing your children less often and worrying about how your own trying to find self-acceptance will impact those you love.
I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cut my heart like a knife when my former wife succeeds to varying degrees in causing discord between my children and me. In fact, it’s the thought of having perhaps lost them that is one of the principal triggers for thoughts of suicide in me. A sense of hopelessness in the face of persecution by homophobic judges combines with that sadness to push me to the limits.
Amazingly, through it all my youngest child has seemed the most able to see what is really happening and has remained the most constantly true to me. I suspect that she has no idea how important she has been and always will be to me. Indeed, at times it’s often only been my concern over how my death would impact her which has enabled me to push back suicidal thoughts to date.
Because of her love and loyalty I wanted to post this special thank you to her. She is a true sweetheart and I love her so much — more that I suspect she will ever know.
In a comment posted which followed, Lyndon said, “Another reason to make sure you see the sunrise everyday.”
In a follow-up post, on May 27, 2009, Michael wrote the following:My Pride and Joy – Part II
Last night she left a comment on this blog which touched my heart deeply. I decided not to publish the entire comment, but I do want to share some of it with readers - especially those still in the closet and debating what to do in terms of whether or not they should come out or not. I believe that her comments suggest your children often understand far more than we give them credit for and that they hold more wisdom than we know. Here are some highlights from the comment my daughter posted: You were very obviously unhappy and angry, although for a long time we had no idea why, and I think that you being honest with yourself has been beneficial to our whole family. I don’t think mom was being selfish in that situation either though because, . . . I cant even imagine how hearing that news from your husband of 24 years must have been like. I think that neither of you will ever be able to understand because you have never been in the other one’s position. I am not going to comment or get involved with any of the court bullshit because that has just gotten ridiculous. And now I am done. I just kinda needed to get that off my chest. I hope it all makes sense. I love you Dad. I for one have NEVER, EVER wanted the divorce to be as mean and vicious as it has become through none of my doing. As for my younger daughter, I consider her – along with my two other children – my greatest achievement in life I love her dearly. I hope that any closeted readers take away the message that they should not automatically assume the worse in terms of their children’s reactions should they decide to “come out.” They might be greatly surprised by the wisdom of their children which can often exceed the wisdom of supposedly more mature adults. Loren’s Comments: I found these two posts particularly poignant for several reasons. Bitter divorces are sometimes the result, and some bitterness actually may be an essential part of the healing; it helps create a sense of confidence that moving on is the right thing to do. Hopeless, despair and substance abuse are not infrequently a consequence. My former wife and I have been able to move on to a better relationship after a few years of struggling. Our family has able to celebrate together two daughters' weddings, graduations, family birthday's and my ex-wife's retirement. My former wife has been an over-night guest in our home for some holidays. I think the final healing occured when we both realized the goodness and humanity of the other in spite of those differences we'd been through. We let go of blaming each other and owned our own part of the responsibility for a failed marriage. It has been good for both of us, particularly good for our children and I don't think our grandchildren even recognize that our family is much different than anyone else's. You may wish to read my granddaughter's comment on Best Gay Blogs.“My Grandpa Married a Man.”
hope everyday that we can put all of this behind us so that in one way or another we can all be like family again. Whether or not that will happen, who knows. . . . I say this to mom, and I’m going to say this to you too: try to imagine, though you’ll never be able to comprehend, how the other half of this situation must have felt and what they must have been struggling with. 
First, I think that much of society does not understand how central children are to men who are caught in the struggle between gay and straight. For many, it is the primary reason they continue to stay in a marriage long after they recognize that they are living a lie. For many of us, our kids were the most important thing we’ve ever done and not being a part of their lives on a daily basis was the biggest sacrifice we made in leaving our marriages.
It is so interesting to read of other peoples experiences. I feel blessed that I have known the joy of having children. I have six children and eleven grand-children and do not regret at all my previous life and marriages ( two!) I have been living very comfortably with my partner Peter for 19 years. He regularly meets my former wives and relates well with them.I suppose one could say that I have had the best of both worlds.
I agree. I get upset when people tell me my marriage to my wife was a mistake. That would also mean that my children were a mistake. I do not feel that I “wasted” the 18 years I was married to her, and I believe that she would say the same thing. I don’t believe that we are different people now that we were then, but I do think we may be more touch with who we were all along. Our development continues across the life span.
Loren Olson
Who are christians to dictate who can and can’t marry…
Let everyone marry who they want.Even in the animal kingdom there are same gender preferences.