We are a society of labels and boxes. We find comfort in placing people and groups of people into neat categories. I think it gives us a sense that if we can label it, we can understand it. Not so fast and not so easy.

There are general characteristics that I think we can assign to groups of people, although here too there can be exceptions. African Americans have brown skin, Chinese people are small in stature, heterosexual people are attracted to the opposite sex, and homosexual people are attracted to the same sex.

The generality of these descriptions can be helpful in identifying or picturing different groups of people in our mind. They are characteristics that broadly apply based on observation and fact. It is when the labels begin to include stereotypes and are applied to all that they become problematic.

Some stereotypes have a dotted line to group truth, but can not always be applied to an individual member of a particular group. When we do so, we deny the individuality of the person, the diversity of the larger group, and miss an opportunity for true understanding once we have stuck the label on an individual’s head. Let’s take Gay men for an example. I’ll give personal examples from within the Gay community.

When I lived in Connecticut there was a small bar I would go to on Thursday nights. The Thursday night special was two for one drinks and the bar always had a good and fun crowd. The particular Thursday night I’m recalling was in September in the middle of the baseball playoff season. Being from New York and from the Bronx, I am a Yankees fan. The bar had a couple of television sets and one was tuned to the Yankee game. I bought my drinks and mindlessly parked myself in view of the game.

Occasionally I would take notice of a small group of men looking my way, whispering and then laughing. I even checked myself over in the mirror of the bathroom thinking maybe I had my shirt inside out or some other glaring flaw I missed before going out that night, but couldn’t find anything, so I just went on watching the game.

Finally two of the men probably in their mid to late fifties approached me. One said to me, “What’s with trying to look butch by watching the game, you’re not fooling anybody?” The other made some similar comment about Gay men who pretend they are interested in sports to pick up guys. I explained to them that I am a baseball fan and was genuinely interested in the game.

Unfortunately it didn’t end there, they decided to challenge me. I was asked to rattle off the Yankee line up, position each player held, and the batting order. I did so easily and my answers were verified by a quick check of the internet on someone’s phone. I received no apologies from the men; they just shook their heads, looked a bit disgusted and left me alone for the rest of the night.
For a brief time that night I was made to feel as if I didn’t fit into my own community. I remember it as a similar feeling to the one I had when I realized I didn’t fit into the heterosexual community, but this was worse as it came from people like me, people in the LGBT community.

My second example is more recent and prompted the idea to write this piece. My husband and I were out to dinner with another Gay male couple. My husband often says that the only Gay thing about me is that I’m attracted to men. Due to stereotypes, most people assume I’m heterosexual when they meet me, and as a result my coming out of the closet continues week after week, year after year.

My husband’s joke is just that, as he knows my likes and dislikes have a Gay sensibility to them. That night during dinner conversation I mentioned a Broadway actress whom I admire. One of our friends said he was shocked that I liked her or even knew who she was. I rattled off her body of work much to his amazement. Then I asked, “Why would you assume I wouldn’t be a fan of hers?”

My friend answered that I do not look like a guy who would be into Broadway.

These examples demonstrate the danger of not recognizing the diversity in any community. If we practice this form of discrimination within our own community, how can we with credibly, ask heterosexual society to accept us and the many different types of people that make up the LGBT community?

Acceptance of Gay people, who have diverse likes and dislikes as individuals by other Gay people, is vital to ending the discrimination against our community.

While we all have the commonality of same sex orientation, we all wear Gay differently as unique individuals. We are old, and young, butch and, feminine. We are professional and blue collar, we are drag queens and leather boys. To label each other and deem one acceptable and one not, is hypocritical and counter productive to unifying the Gay community.

We can not speak with one voice if we deny the value of that voice because it comes from someone different then ourselves. It separates us and wastes opportunities to truly know another member of our community. Unconditional acceptance does not negate disagreement or promote robotic groups speak. It allows for the support of all in our community and the recognition that each individual has a voice and opinion that will benefit the community if allowed to be heard.

To pigeon hole a person is to deny the fullness of their humanity. It is what a heterosexist society does to us as it portrays us as lesser humans not deserving of equal civil rights..

Contact Michael on Twitter.