Archive for February, 2010
The Pleasure Molecule
Dopamine
My granddaughters love to play “slap hands.” We rub our hands together, waiting for just the right time to suddenly slap the hand of the other. I can watch them squirm with anticipation of either the opportunity to slap my hand or the angst of getting their own hands slapped.
Grandparents seem to instinctively understand the “I’m a gonna get you” effects of Dopamine even though they may never have heard of it. Timing and unpredictability are critical, dumping loads of Dopamine into our grandchildren’s young brains.
Dopamine neurons tend to assimilate a lot of data about our lives most of which isn’t consciously comprehended. By the time we’re grandparents, we have had a lot of data to assimilate.
Foods and drinks release Dopamine, particularly comfort foods and chocolate, caffeine and alcohol, as do nicotine, marijuana, and illicit drugs like methamphetamine and cocaine. Getting approval is a less often thought of source of Dopamine, something which so many of us who are gay seem to be particularly addicted to.
Most of us have experienced a Dopamine rush in anticipation of a sexual experience only to experience a let down after it turned out to be less than expected. Couples who’ve been together for a while may expereince less pre-sex anticipation because their lovemaking has become more routine, and many of the “Who’s,” “If’s,” “How’s.” and “When’s” have been removed. 
Sexually explicit on-line chat rooms are filled with clouds of Dopamine.
Smart lovers also know intuitively that putting a note in your partner’s lunch box, telling him how much you want him, will start the Dopamine generators. We went to see the film “The Independent Man” last night. How could any man, especially a mature gay man, go home from that movie and not want to make love with his partner.
Pope Benedict XVI, while still Cardinal Ratzinger, wrote, “the essence of being human is to use one’s reason and conscience to guide physical passions,” but reason makes up only about 1% of our thought while unconscious, Dopamine driven thought makes up the remaining 99%. Perhaps that is why it sometimes takes us a life time to realize that not every Dopamine rush must be gratified.
I recently wrote “Aging: A New Stage of Exploration for Adrenalin Junkies,” about older people involved in high risk behaviors as they attempt to work through their “Bucket List.” (For those of you who didn’t see this movie, it was about “the things a person wants to do before they kick the bucket.”)
Benjamin Franklin once wrote, “So convenient a thing it is to be a reasonable creature, since it enables one to find or make a reason for everything one has a mind to do.” I think Franklin out did the Pope on this concept.
Dopamine has driven me to make some bad choices. I once made the mistake of getting on the “Silly Silo” with my grandchildren at the amusement park. There are others, too, of course, but I’ll leave you to reflect on yours, not mine.
Too much Dopamine can be stressful. 
One Older Man’s Relationship with a Younger Man
I just received this comment in response to one of my earlier posts. I think it is important enough that I also want to share it in the blog.
I just thought I’d submit some ideas to this as well as my experience as of late. I am 40 years old and in April of last year finally left a destructive relationship with a guy of the same age after 16 years. The last thing I thought at the time was that I would meet someone again so soon….but to my amazement I met an amazing young man that was only 21 at the time. He is now 22.
I honestly dont think that I would have even given it a shot based on age, but as it turned out he is more mature, honest and sincere than most men of my age. Moreover, Ive never experienced the level of communication I have with him, ever!
Now, thats not to say that we do not have arguments or don’t see eye to eye on everything, but with the communication and honesty and maturity, I honestly NEVER think about the age difference between us. Never!
Some people have posted questions as to why this happens and why it works, and I agree to most of their points. One that I do not is the sexual part of it. I am not and was not looking for someone because they are “hot”. I never have. Although my other half now is very attractive, if he were not able to connect with me emotionally…..there would be nothing.
I did wonder in the beginning why someone that age would want an older guy just as many other posts have suggested. I also wondered whether or not it may have been some Daddy issue.
My partner and I have talked about this quite a bit and it really comes down to the fact that he just does not relate to the gay men his own age. He is more attracted to someone that is done with the gay scene and is more established.
As far as the mentoring part of it is concerned, I’m not sure I agree with that one completely. I think that he learns from me, of course, but what nobody has really mentioned is that no matter what relationship you are in, we all learn from each other.
Since I am older, I’ve noticed that older guys sometimes forget to just relax and have fun and not take things so seriously all the time!!!! I learn from my guy everyday just as much as he learns from me.
Going back to the sex part, in that way…yes maybe some mentoring there. Because I have been around for a bit longer, there are many things sexually he has not experienced. If anything was difficult in our relationship in regards to the age difference, it would be this area. In the beginning, we had some differences because I dont look at sex as having roles in a relationship, and since he is younger, he had not experienced sex in as many wasy. So for example, some sexual activities were hard for him because he thought of it as being conquered as opposed to looking at it as something he enjoys.
Alas, because of the great communication….this only lasted for a couple months. Now, its honestly the best sexual relationship we both have ever had.
I’d like to and will share more later because I think this is an important thing to discuss, I’m just out of time for the moment. Thanks for hearing me out and I hope this helps anyone who is going through this as well!