Archive for May, 2010
Lubricants and HIV
From The Bilerico Project:
Two preliminary studies presented this past weekend indicate there may be an increased risk for HIV infection from using certain lubricants during unprotected anal sex. This risk applies to the receptive partner equally among men and women.
The first study indicates that there is a possibility that general use of some lubricants may increase risk for sexually transmitted infections, including HIV. No specific lubricants were identified as more likely to cause the effect.
In the second study, the presence of certain dissolved salts and sugars are suggested in tests to have a toxic effect on cells and rectal tissue. In the toxicology test, the brands PRE and Wet Platinum were found to be safest and Astroglide and KY Jelly appeared to be “the most problematic.”
Sexual Maturity: More than Just Chronological Age?
I received this response to one of my posts about older and younger men. Some who oppose homosexuality may express concern about the age of the younger man when the relationship began, but I believe that our age is much more than a number, but consists of life experience, physical maturity and emotional maturity:
I am a 36 year old male who is partnered with a 22 year old male. We are just a week away from celebrating our four year anniversary. Prior to meeting him, I had been married for 14 years.
Being raised in the “belt buckle” of the Bible Belt, I would say that I believed that I was to conform to certain standards and that being gay was one of those parts of myself that I would have to deny in order to get a job, appear normal, and gain acceptance.
I have two older brothers who were very athletic where I am more into music and the arts. I think as I grew up, I felt inferior to them and had trouble gaining acceptance into their world.
While in junior high and high school, I thought there were a few cute girls and even dated some of them, but never had sexual relations other than kissing. Behind the scenes, I had a couple of guys that we would mess around after school and at each others house on sleepovers.
During my marriage I had shared my interest and what I deemed a need for male companionship with my wife. I lacked and desired the intimacy of being with another man. Of course, my wife was clueless on how to respond. She loved and still to this day loves me with all of her heart. I have never known what to do or to say that would take the hurt away.
She says that I have deceived her by not telling her about my male interest. I tell her that I was not being truthful with myself and there was never any intention of hurting her. The marriage was not emotionally fulfilling and was wrought with severe financial problems. We were always looking for a way to keep the focus off of our problems.
In 2006, I met my partner. We actually met at church… a big ol’ Southern Baptist Church to be exact. I remember the first day I saw him and knew there was an instant attraction. He says he had noticed me about four years before then and had been attracted to me ever since.
It was through a mutual friend that we learned of each others attraction. Since that day, there has rarely been a day that we have not shared in each others life. All of the cynicism that I had about gay men and the depth in which those relationships can be continues to fade.
My partner and I enjoy being two guys who are sharing their lives together. Many of my friends never thought that our relationship would work, but I am here to say that my partner is completely transparent to me. We love being with one another. We travel, shop, go to movies, go on walks, go bike riding, and share great intimate moments. At 22, he has no interest in chasing or being chased by other men. He doesn’t sneak around behind my back, and I believe he makes me a better person.
I am not sure if we qualify as a cross generational relationship but I will assume that we do. In my instance, I was very lucky to have found my partner. I think that he is a rare find. Since I live in a large town with many young gay/curious men, and am considered to be quite good looking myself, I’ve had many young men express interest in me. While I am very flattered, I also see an extraordinary level of immaturity and I would not risk for one moment what I have with my partner for a quickie with these guys.
My advice would be to proceed with caution and don’t base a relationship on great sex. If you are in it for sex, then keep it at that level. If a friendship starts to develop over a period of several months and years, then I think you may give more serious thought to a relationship.
Gay-to-Straight Therapy Leader Caught with “Rent Boys”
In May, 2010 George Alan Rekers was photographed returning from Europe with a male prostitute. He received his PhD in human developmental psychology from the University of California and has spent his career — and profited significantly — from attacking homosexuality.
Along with Dr. James Dobson and Armand Nicholi, Jr., he founded the Family Research Council, a Christian, anti-gay lobbying group.
Former stripper, escort and adult actor Carl Sheperd (Chaz) alleges Rekers paid him $150 for “vanilla sex” at the Hyatt Regency Hotel at Chicago’s O’Hare airport
Within hours of these reports the Family Research Council had removed the details about Rekers’ role as a founder board member from their web site. They subsequently posted up a release denying any association with Rekers for over a decade, stating that “while it’s extremely disappointing when any Christian leader engages in the very activities that they’ preach’ against, it’s not surprising. The Scriptures clearly teach the fallen nature of all people.”
The Miami New Times reported on May 4, 2010 that Rekers had been photographed at Miami International Airport with a man reported to be a twenty-year-old “rent boy.” Rekers claimed that “Lucien” was there to help carry his luggage.
Rekers admitted to hiring “Lucien” for the 10-day European vacation as a “travel assistant” and denies any impropriety. “Lucien” was reported to be available for hire through the “Rentboy.com” website.
Rekers was quoted as commenting, “If you talk with my travel assistant … you will find I spent a great deal of time sharing scientific information on the desirability of abandoning homosexual intercourse, and I shared the Gospel of Jesus Christ with him in great detail.”
Rekers wrote on his website, “Like Jesus Christ, I deliberately spend time with sinners with the loving goal to try to help them.”
Read more: http://www.miamiherald.com/2010/05/08/1620428/george-rekers-explanation-is-one.html#ixzz0nWwIA3e4
Rekers had been an officer of The National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) that they describe as “a professional scientific organization with hundreds of academic, research, and clinical members dedicated to assisting individuals dealing with unwanted homosexual attractions.” Many in psychiatry believe the “science” they use is rather weak.
NARTH announced that they took the accusations against Rekers seriously, would be carrying out an enquiry into these events, and expressed sympathy to the individuals and families involved.
Despite NARTH’s position as a secular organization, Rekers has testified in court that he believes the Bible is the infallible word of God, and that homosexuality is a sin. Judges found his personal beliefs regarding homosexuality interfere with his ability to give an unbiased professional opinion on LGBT topics, including gay adoption.
Rekers was an expert witness in a 2004 case involving gay adoption in Arkansas, which had banned LGBT people from adopting in 1999. Judge Timothy Fox ruled against the state of Arkansas, calling Rekers’ testimony “extremely suspect.” He also accused Rekers of testifying solely for promoting his “own personal agenda.”
In 2008, Rekers was an expert witness in a case defending Florida’s gay adoption ban. Miami-Dade Circuit Court Judge Cindy Lederman ruled against the state. In her decision, she said “Dr. Rekers’ testimony was far from a neutral and unbiased recitation of the relevant scientific evidence. He is said to have been paide $120,000 for his lobbying efforts in Florida.
Dr. Rekers’ beliefs are motivated by his strong ideological and theological convictions that are not consistent with the science. Based on his testimony and demeanor at trial, the court can not consider his testimony to be credible nor worthy of forming the basis of public policy.”
Over and over we see the pattern of those who have been engaged in and profited substantially from anti-gay efforts, have had a secret about their own sexual conflicts. We must condemn the hypocricy, but at the same time have some compassion and understanding for their struggle.
Perhaps, eventually, they will begin to admit that their therapies are ineffective, that they homosexual attractions are innate. Their conflict is no different from our own, just more public and far more damaging to human rights. Yet our best strategy might be to embrace them, forgive them, and welcome them into our community.
Hopefully, this will further reduce the credibility of the Family Research Council and NARTH and help dry up their huge lobbying financial reserves. On the other hand, Baptists are said to love a repentent sinner.
Here is Stephen Colbert, commenting: “>
Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Alpha Dog of the Week – George Rekers
Colbert Report Full Episodes
Political Humor
Fox News
Mating Rituals of Gay Men and Other Animals
I just received this question from a younger man:
Hi doctor, I like this site and I want to ask why I can’t find an honest and kind man in the gay world? I’m looking for a relationship with an older man over 60, but I want him to be romantic, honest and kind. I don’t think I can find him in this world, because everyone one seems to be looking for fun and sex without love.
Here is my response:
Initiating a new relationship is never easy; as Brother Ramos said, “Love and risk are inseparable.”
Writing in the New York Times, Carey said, “Sexual taste is a wild card, in short, and one that many people would prefer be kept face down.” (Carey, 2004) As they age, both men and women experience a gradual decline in the attributes that are considered attractive. Women experience it more dramatically and earlier than men, and gay men are said to experience it sooner than heterosexual men.
Research on the topic of what makes someone attractive has been neglected because in a democratic society everyone is supposed to be equal and have equal gifts, but in our “hetero-normative” society has reached a consensus about some things that make a person attractive:
1. Younger are more attractive than older.
2. Age has a greater impact on women than men, and a greater impact on gay men than straight men.
3. Physical attractiveness is important for friendship, marriage selection, marital happiness and success.
4. Attractiveness begins at a very young age
In middle age, men are still coasting, but age may enhance some aspects of an older man’s attractiveness; grey hair on a man may be considered distinguished and a sign of wisdom. One younger man said he likes older men because “all of the corners have been rounded off.” I have previously written about the attraction between younger and older men and an older man responded about his experience in finding a younger man.
Most animals choose their mates in a non-random fashion, something called “assortative mating.” Some animals favor mates with certain characteristics, e.g. traits that they possess themselves, or alternatively, traits that are distinctly different from their own. In this process they reduce the field of their selection of potential mates.
When animals mate, the male often will spread his feathers or puff up his chest to appear to be the strongest, most masculine and most attractive he can be in hopes of impressing a potential mate. In the process, what one sees in themselves as their virtues are exaggerated and weakness and vulnerabilities are minimized.
I think the rituals that gay men go through in seeking mates are not much different than the rituals for animals. Unfortunately, when men are trying to enhance their attractiveness, they often are deceptive about those things which they find make themselves unattractive.
When a man steps into a gay bar, he immediately scans the environment, and his unconscious mind goes through a sorting process; he knows within seconds which of the men are prospects he might consider and that might also consider him. The same is true when men go to websites and review profiles of other men. The unconscious finds patterns in situations and behaviors based on little information, and the list of prospects is trimmed.
Frequently for gay men this mating dance or ritual focuses on a verbal description of something sexually explicit. When another man has responded to that in a sexual way, it is often heightens sexual arousal for both persons. It is unlikely that at that point the conversation will focus on “hopes and dreams for the future.” The center of attention of the interaction progressively focuses more and more on a sexual interaction to the exclusion of an exchange of information about who the two are as individuals.
Many older men perceive themselves to be on the downhill side of their attractiveness and sexuality, and they may distrust some who says, “I find you attractive.” Inside their head they are thinking, “How could you find a fat, aging out-of-shape man attractive. You must want something from me.”
Mature men cannot accept compliments about their physical attractiveness until they begin to perceive themselves as attractive. If an older man has experienced a reduction in sexual drive and potency, he may find it difficult to accept that another younger man will find satisfying his slower paced and lower intensity love making.
Men often have not learned the language of emotional intimacy, but can only speak the language of sexual intimacy. Perhaps an exchange of explicit sexuality is necessary, a kind of secret handshake that says, “We both belong to the same fraternity or social group.” Without some confirmation that both men experience sexual attraction to other men, perhaps the relationship cannot progress beyond a superficial level.
When you say, “Everyone one seems to be looking for fun and sex without love,” I’m sure it seems that way to you. Some are only looking for a casual and quick sexual experience, but many same sex relationships, romantic or platonic, begin with a sexual experience before they move to a more emotionally intimate relationship.
Sometimes younger men appear too desperate, professing their love for an older man before they really know who he is. This may exaggerate the older man’s fears that the younger man has motives that go beyond a loving relationship.
Many older men believe in the value of long term relationships but are already committed. Some are men who are leading conflicted heterosexual lives and are still concealing their same sex attractions. Some are afraid to let themselves love someone because they don’t feel lovable. The pool of available men may seem small, but I assure you it is much larger than it seems.
“Love and risk are inseparable.” But for younger and older men, behind it all is a fear of being alone, of not finding anyone who loves them for the person they are. But the risk of eventually being alone falls even to those who have found just the right man.