Archive for November, 2010
Gay Boomers Need to Make Some Noise
Gay Boomers Need to Make Some Noise
By Loren A. Olson MD
All art work in this essay is by Raphael Perez
Have you ever thought, “I would never want to have sex with someone who looks like me?” I heard that comment made by an older gay man at a conference in New York City called “The Future of Aging is in Our Hands,” November 11-13, 2010.
The conference was sponsored by SAGE (Services and Advocacy for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender Elders) an organization that has a growing network of agencies throughout the United States. Their mission is a balanced commitment to both services and advocacy for the aging LGBT community.
Society as a whole — and even much of the LGBT community – has not grasped the significance of the influx of older gay baby boomers now reaching retirement age. It is estimated that there are about 1.5 million LGBT seniors now with expected increases to about 3 million LGBT seniors by 2030.
These seniors have lived through considerable societal prejudice, having been labeled mentally ill, criminal, immoral, anti-family and a risk to national security.
LGBT seniors now once again face harassment and hostility when accessing services in health care, programs for aging such as senior centers and even in places of worship. A survey of Area Agencies on Aging conducted in 1994, found that 46% of senior centers would not welcome LGBT seniors if their sexual orientation was known. Although this survey is old, not much has changed.
At sixty-seven years of age, I am approaching a time in my life when I will need services as a senior citizen, so the discrimination faced by seniors has become very real to me. When I learned that seniors were feeling it necessary to go back in the closet in order to attain services, I wondered, “Would I have to become less gay to access those services?” I didn’t come out until I was forty, so I began to think I was going to have a short career as an openly gay man.
Significant disparities exist between the health domains of LGBT seniors and heterosexual seniors: access to health care, discrimination from health care providers, access to treatment for HIV/AIDS, and mental health treatment. Some are frail and have chronic medical conditions such as asthma, diabetes, HIV/AIDS, obesity and arthritis.
Rates of new diagnosis of HIV in men above age 50 years are on the rise; HIV prevention programs are not typically targeted to the elderly and men who remain closeted are difficult to reach with educational programs about prevention. Many gay seniors face high degrees of stress, and they have higher rates of smoking and alcohol and drug use, higher rates of depression and suicide.
Although 80% of long term care of the elderly is traditionally provided by families, LGBT frequently have had their lives with their families disrupted; far more are single and far fewer have children. Many live in isolation; they live alone but also feel unwelcome in both the gay social venues as well as senior centers. Isolation leads to more depression, poverty, more frequent hospitalizations, delays in care seeking, poor nutrition and premature mortality.
The “Older Americans Act” that was responsible for the development of senior centers is up for re-authorization in 2011-12. This act is not only responsible for senior centers and congregate meals but also for other social programs like adult day care, elder abuse prevention, the friendly visitor program and employment and pension counseling activities. Following the recent election, it is clear that many of these programs will be carefully scrutinized and possibly cut.
Advocacy is really about education. First, we must educate the members of the LGBT community about this growing need. Then we must begin to target legislators who can be influenced. At the SAGE conference, they emphasized “the power of us,” for example, joining together with agencies representing people with disabilities. Although they were quick to emphasize that they were not suggesting that being gay was a disability, what they did suggest was that like LGBT, many people with disabilities and those in immigrant communities also feel left out of planning for services for the elderly.
During the session on male sexuality I learned the following:
•Men are not aware of the ways sexual expression changes with age.
•As men age the need for emotional intimacy supersedes the need for casual orgasms.
•Men feel invisible to the men they are attracted to — although for some, this feeling has been lifelong.
•As everything begins to wrinkle and sag, body image suffers significantly in a culture that emphasizes youth and sexual vigor.
•Older men fear that a younger man who expresses interest in them is only looking for a “sugar daddy;” they find it difficult to trust the sincerity of a younger man’s interest.
Elders are not a monolithic group. The ones who have the least difficulty are those in good health and who have strong social networks. They are engaged in their communities and have access to health care and services.
Although senior centers do a good job for many, they don’t do a good job for everyone. I learned that 96% of senior centers had no programs for LGBT seniors. When I hit sixty years of age, I discovered that my time was too precious to attend parties where I was pretty sure that I wouldn’t like anyone there or they wouldn’t like me. Senior LBGT want to do what we want with whom we wish to do it. LGBT, immigrant and disabled seniors will not attend senior centers for meals alone.
Since senior centers are not welcoming to someone openly gay, I would be reluctant to attend if I were expected to put a big part of my life on hold. Some research has shown, however, that gay seniors are quite comfortable in a mixed heterosexual and LGBT community if the community is accepting of their sexual orientation and they can live openly.
Although some believe that faith based programs should pick up the slack for cutbacks in government services, many in the LGBT community have been left out or opted out of organized religion. We were told that God was not accessible to us creating a back lash against organized religion. Some have said that it is harder to be out as a Christian (Jew, Muslim, Buddhist) in the gay community, than it is to be out as gay in their own religious community.
It can be very difficult to be a part of a community who doesn’t care for us. But some people have a love of the sacred, a need for something spiritual, something that connects them to something greater than themselves; for them, seeking out churches that are open and affirming is critical. Others have found spiritual expression in alternatives outside of organized religion.
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Gay Bottom and “Internal Orgasms”
I received this Email and since I didn’t know the answer, I thought I would post it here for others to comment. The originator of the Email agreed to have it posted if I did so anonymously:
Loren,
I’ve been told by local guys (in the gay community) that my description of myself as a “total bottom” is not accurate. But I would like a professional’s opinion about how you would describe my orientation. I have not “come out” to my family because they would disown me.
When around men I’m interested in, I feel submissive. I definitely tend toward what society would describe as the “traditionally female” role. I derive MUCH more pleasure from being in that role than anything I have ever done that involved my penis.
I have had one long term male lover and in our relationship I was able to have what I call “internal orgasms.”’ It feels like a biochemical endorphin release. There is no ejaculate, no external indications that I was even excited. I take that back, my nipples get erect.
These ‘internal orgasms’ are INCREDIBLE!!! When I do ejaculate, I get nothing in the way of pleasure, and almost immediately feel overcome by a feeling of disgust – that is the closest I can come to describing it
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I understand that I’m not your patient, and you may not be interested in commenting on my situation. Anyway, thanks for reading this.
I am looking forward to reading your book.
Loren’s Comment:
Thanks for you question. Sex is complex and complicated, isn’t it?
You are correct in your assumption that I cannot offer medical advice on these pages.
I don’t care much for labels. Labeling people as “tops” and “bottoms” suggests that each of must be either one or the other. In fact, there are many ways to express our sexuality. It is not uncommon for men to express a preference for one role or the other, but under the right circumstances may happily change roles.
You are what you are, and like what you like so the label doesn’t seem important. I have always assumed, as you did, that a “total bottom” was someone who had an exclusive preference for the role of the receptive partner in anal sex.
I can say that what you describe as an “internal orgasm” is not common in my conversations with other men, but that doesn’t mean it is perverted or wrong. And it may be much more common than I am aware among men who have an exclusive preference for the receptive role.
I have written in my book about the hormone “oxytocin.” It is the hormone that women secrete when they are nursing babies and it is thought to be responsible for bonding between mother and child. It is present in both men and women.
I would guess that the “biochemical release” you feel may be related to a surge of oxytocin release. I believe that kissing and anal sex are the most intimate physical connections men can have with each other. Being inside someone, or having them inside you, brings you physically as close as possible. When it is accompanied by an emotional connection with the partner, it leads to a very intense emotional intimacy.
My guess — and I emphasize “guess” — is that what you are experiencing is a sudden release of oxytocin. This causes you to feel an intense emotional bonding with your partner, perhaps almost a spiritual connection.
I am guessing that most of the time it would not happen with a casual sexual partner, correct?
Loren Olson
Here is his response to my comment:
In your response, you asked me if this internal orgasm ever happened with casual sexual encounters. Yes, it has. I find that the most important factors for facilitating my internal orgasms are: foreplay, position, and gentleness of my partner. It won’t happen with a guy who is rough or demeaning.
I meet most guys over the Internet, as I live in a very rural area. I have learned to watch for clues in the correspondence that help me avoid meeting what I call “haters.” It doesn’t always work, but it usually does.
I can usually talk a man through what physically feels good if he has not already figured it out.
I found it interesting that you brought up nursing mothers. My nipples are INCREDIBLY sensitive. Just a partner’s brushing against the inside of my shirt sometimes gets me aroused. In general, gay men are far too rough with my nipples, and it takes a man with a very gentle nature/touch to exploit them to their full potential
Loren’s Comment:
I spoke with another man once who described himself as a “total bottom.” He said the entire focus of his sexual pleasure was on being certain that his partner experienced maximum pleasure. I asked him what he did about his own sexual pleasure, and his response was, “I can always take care of that myself.” Reaching his own orgasm during sex with his partner was not his concern.
I am very interested to hear others’ comments on this topic.
Interracial Gay Relationships
Interracial Gay Dating
Photo by David Greene
Fascinating series of articles; fascinating and sensitive and powerful.
As an aging gay white male who didn’t come out until I was in my mid-forties, the entire issue of interracial dating intrigues me. I dated women through college, my twenties and into my mid-thirties. Until I finally uttered the three fateful words to myself: “I am gay.” Probably 80% of the women I dated in those years were Black. And by the time I was in my late twenties, I dated only Black women.
When I started dating men, I realized that I had moved from Black women to Black men. In fact, I have dated almost exclusively Black men since acknowledging my homosexuality to myself.
While there may well be some sort of early childhood psychological moment which led to this, I suspect not. The plain and simple fact is that I have always been attracted to people with dark skin. As long as I can remember, in college, when I’d see three women — one Black, two white — from a block away, my eye would gravitate to the dark-skinned woman. Instinctively, before I ever knew what she looked like.
I am attracted by dark ebony skin and African features. I adore rich full lips and a wide dominant nose.
There is no fetish aspect to this (at least that I am aware), nor is there anything to do with race play, white guilt, etc. Again, at least that I am aware.
God knows, interracial dating (gay or heterosexual) is fraught with complexities, a mine field of emotional explosives.
And many of the Black men I’ve dated have challenged me on my desire for the man of African descent. While they might be proud to be admired and loved by another man, there is a side which remains skeptical, which remains suspicious, of a white man’s motives.
I fully understand this. And, sadly, it will be many, many decades before slavery’s horrible and oh-so tragic legacy has been consigned to history.
Thanks much for these stories of other men. They are brilliant.
DanHere is my response to Dan:
Thank you for you thoughtful comments and support. I believe our stories are so important, especially to those men who remain feeling guilty and conflicted.
I have not addressed interracial relationships in my book or on the blog, mostly because I would be writing about something about which I know very little.
What you have written about Black men not trusting your intentions and sincerity reminds me some of how older men feel about younger men who are attracted to older men albeit much more complex because of the understandable resistance most Black men have to self-identifying as gay. Until I heard K. D. Alston’s story, I did not understand how the roots of that date back to our painful history of slavery.
Thanks again.
Loren
Then I received the following:
Hey, Loren:
Interracial dating (gay or straight) can be so very complicated, no doubt about it. But when some of the barriers and sensitivities are broken down, it is so extraordinarily satisfying. To come to know and appreciate and welcome and understand and embrace a world outside your own is a tremendous … well, up!
As I mentioned, I dated Black women before I came out of denial and acknowledged my homosexuality to myself. I learned in my college years that, as a white man, as a member of the majority culture, it was incumbent on me to putaside my preconceived ideas about race, about racial identity, about what race meant in late 20th Century America. [I needed to] put aside my sensitivity about criticism of white culture, in other words, to look at our society from an outsider’s prism-of-vision; i.e., from a Black perspective.
It’s funny, but I was so naive as a young man, and truly astonished to learn just how much racial identity is oh-so up-front and personal in the daily life of someone who is Black. When I’d be spending the day with a Black girl friend, and the simplest moment – for example, waiting on line to be served, — could turn racial. The clerk behind the counter might ask a white person ahead of my Black girl firend — all innocence, or was it?
Seeing this from a Black’s point of view opened up a whole new dimension to the human experience for me. There are so many moments, in every single day, which are layered with racial ambiguity. And Blacks must negotiate these moments dozens and dozens of time, every day, every week, every month.
We, as whites, never have to deal with our racial identity, we are the dominant culture, we set the pace, we make the rules. Although, these rules are slowly being upended and changed, the game is no longer necessarily within the left/right field foul lines. Our increasingly diverse society is widening the foul poles. And, to be honest, I wonder if some of the discontent in our country today isn’t based on the new foul lines?
And, when you add to a Black person’s everyday experience the fact that she/he is gay, this makes what was a complicated experience even more difficult. Being Black and Gay adds yet another wall to becoming faceless in the white world.
But it is so very worth the effort. I am a far better person for seeing the world through the lens of the Black experience.Loren’s response:
I remember once traveling to Mexico with my partner. One American woman pitched a fit that her hotel didn’t have cable TV and USA Today. Apparently the only thing in Mexico she was willing to appreciate was the sunshine.
We get a much better view of our own world when we put ourselves in someone else’s world. After having traveled abroad, my view of the United States certainly changed.
Unfortunately, too many people move into another world and want to change it to be more like the world they just left. They fail to appreciate their new experience but rather de-value it as something less than their own.
The black and white photo above is by David Greene who has a new novel out called Unmentionables. It is an epic story of two pairs of lovers in the Civil War south. One couple is straight, white and wealthy. The other couple is gay, black and enslaved.
A Chinese Student Asks: “What am I? For whom do I live?” Part III
In Part I of his essay, “What am I? For whom do I live?,”, JiGuang briefly mentioned his relationship with an American businessman. In Part II, JiGuang discussed this relationship more completely. In Part III, he discusses his sexual attractions to another man.
What am I? For whom do I live?
By JiGuang 小光
I started to think again about the elder guys whom I’m attracted to. They are more caring, they listen to your feelings. Younger guys are not “mature” enough. Maybe it is because I myself am not mature enough.
I told you that I found myself attracted to older guys who are chubby. Now I’m preparing for my big exams with one of my classmates. He is a very nice, chubby guy. It was him that pulled my attention.
I think he would be very upset if he’s actually straight and was told that I am gay and I am attracted to him. Then he would keep away from me and could not keep his mind on preparing for the exams. It would not be a good result for both of us.
I find myself deadly attracted to him, but I can do nothing. Every day we eat together, study together, exercise together, and even take showers together, but that’s all between him and me. Please tell me how to tell whether a boy is gay or not?
I went for shower with my chubby classmate again last night. I still can’t help staring at his wonderful body. It’s perfect in my eyes, especially that nice round belly. I learned a sentence from your blog: “I’m attracted to you because you have all your corners rounded off.” (MagneticFire Archives: “Mating Rituals of Gay Men and Other Animals,” May 8, 2010)
I think you misunderstood my meaning when I said, “we are showering together.” We don’t have an independent bathroom in our dormitory. All the students in our school go to a public bath house.
What I actually meant is that every time we two finished exercising on the playground, we go for a shower together. But in the bath house there are at least one hundred guys showering at the same time — all naked bodies, but I’m only attracted to him.
As for touching, I have tried many times, especially to touch his nice round belly, but I always pretended that I’m not touching him deliberately. He didn’t seem uncomfortable nor did he seem to enjoy it.
But recently I started to have a feeling that he’s alienating me, physically and spiritually. He probably knows that I’m gay, and he himself isn’t. It looks like he’s keeping a certain distance from me. He doesn’t laugh a lot when we are together, but he does when he is with others. As a result, I’m feeling worse and worse.
He probably is a straight boy. I decided to tell him my truth after our exams end next year, so at least this year I must hide myself. It is really painful. Being in such a situation for so long, I’m losing my patience. I’m eager to tell him my true feelings, but cannot do it now.
Do you think he will change or my feeling towards him will change? Do you believe things will get better? What’s your opinion about my current situation?
But the issue of getting married keeps upsetting me. I would be happy to have a child and raise him/her, but I’m not sexually attracted to girls. If I have to get married some day, I will have to cheat on that girl. And cheat my mom. I do not want to do that; I’m not a good liar.
But I often wonder, without a child what would the meaning of my life be after I turned thirty and my parents are no longer in this world? What should I do to fulfill my life? At least until now, I can not imagine a life just with a gay lover, but no children.
I love my family, especially my mom. Last time I came back home, I tried to tell my mom that I’m gay, but I failed. The moment I saw her — her smile and expectation — my words rolled back.
Loren’s comment:
JiGuang’s story is poignant and relevant. For one thing, it points out the differences in culture, but on the other hand, it demonstrates the universality of some gay experiences.
We have all wondered how to identify someone who is gay, although the risks of being wrong about assuming someone is gay can be much greater in some societies than in others. Most of us have agonized about telling our parents, but the expectations of the care-giving role of the oldest son in Asian cultures may be much greater. And many men wonder about what kind of legacy they can live if they never have children.