I received this Email and since I didn’t know the answer, I thought I would post it here for others to comment. The originator of the Email agreed to have it posted if I did so anonymously:
I’ve been told by local guys (in the gay community) that my description of myself as a “total bottom” is not accurate. But I would like a professional’s opinion about how you would describe my orientation. I have not “come out” to my family because they would disown me.
When around men I’m interested in, I feel submissive. I definitely tend toward what society would describe as the “traditionally female” role. I derive MUCH more pleasure from being in that role than anything I have ever done that involved my penis.
I have had one long term male lover and in our relationship I was able to have what I call “internal orgasms.”’ It feels like a biochemical endorphin release. There is no ejaculate, no external indications that I was even excited. I take that back, my nipples get erect.
These ‘internal orgasms’ are INCREDIBLE!!! When I do ejaculate, I get nothing in the way of pleasure, and almost immediately feel overcome by a feeling of disgust – that is the closest I can come to describing it
I understand that I’m not your patient, and you may not be interested in commenting on my situation. Anyway, thanks for reading this.
I am looking forward to reading your book.
Thanks for you question. Sex is complex and complicated, isn’t it?
You are correct in your assumption that I cannot offer medical advice on these pages.
I don’t care much for labels. Labeling people as “tops” and “bottoms” suggests that each of must be either one or the other. In fact, there are many ways to express our sexuality. It is not uncommon for men to express a preference for one role or the other, but under the right circumstances may happily change roles.
You are what you are, and like what you like so the label doesn’t seem important. I have always assumed, as you did, that a “total bottom” was someone who had an exclusive preference for the role of the receptive partner in anal sex.
I can say that what you describe as an “internal orgasm” is not common in my conversations with other men, but that doesn’t mean it is perverted or wrong. And it may be much more common than I am aware among men who have an exclusive preference for the receptive role.
I have written in my book about the hormone “oxytocin.” It is the hormone that women secrete when they are nursing babies and it is thought to be responsible for bonding between mother and child. It is present in both men and women.
I would guess that the “biochemical release” you feel may be related to a surge of oxytocin release. I believe that kissing and anal sex are the most intimate physical connections men can have with each other. Being inside someone, or having them inside you, brings you physically as close as possible. When it is accompanied by an emotional connection with the partner, it leads to a very intense emotional intimacy.
My guess — and I emphasize “guess” — is that what you are experiencing is a sudden release of oxytocin. This causes you to feel an intense emotional bonding with your partner, perhaps almost a spiritual connection.
I am guessing that most of the time it would not happen with a casual sexual partner, correct?
Here is his response to my comment:
In your response, you asked me if this internal orgasm ever happened with casual sexual encounters. Yes, it has. I find that the most important factors for facilitating my internal orgasms are: foreplay, position, and gentleness of my partner. It won’t happen with a guy who is rough or demeaning.
I meet most guys over the Internet, as I live in a very rural area. I have learned to watch for clues in the correspondence that help me avoid meeting what I call “haters.” It doesn’t always work, but it usually does.
I can usually talk a man through what physically feels good if he has not already figured it out.
I found it interesting that you brought up nursing mothers. My nipples are INCREDIBLY sensitive. Just a partner’s brushing against the inside of my shirt sometimes gets me aroused. In general, gay men are far too rough with my nipples, and it takes a man with a very gentle nature/touch to exploit them to their full potential
I spoke with another man once who described himself as a “total bottom.” He said the entire focus of his sexual pleasure was on being certain that his partner experienced maximum pleasure. I asked him what he did about his own sexual pleasure, and his response was, “I can always take care of that myself.” Reaching his own orgasm during sex with his partner was not his concern.
I am very interested to hear others’ comments on this topic.