Archive for December, 2010
Primetimers from Sacremento say “It Gets Better”
Prime Timers is a social organization for mature gay and bisexual men and their admirers. There are several chapters in the United States and internationally. To see their current newsletter, click here.
THE PRIME TIMERS WORLD WIDE CONVENTION
The 2011 biennial convention will be held at the Riviera Resort Hotel in Palm Springs, November 2-6, 2011.
Sacramento Primetimers tell their stories of shame and humiliation in high school, along with the efforts of
adults who helped save them from their depression, and how their lives have been great. This video was produced in support of the national “It Gets Better” campaign and the Trevor Project, a national suicide prevention hotline.
LGBT Parents, Adoptive and Biological (Part IV): Intergenerational Couples
Paul F. Cogan has graciously agreed to write a series of essays on gay parenting to help me out as I recover from my knee replacement surgery. This is the final part in the series.
Paul chose to come out as a gay man by allowing his life story to be told on a nationally broadcast current affairs television program in Canada. Telling his story of 23 years in a straight marriage and 17 years in a gay marriage drew public attention to issues of gay marriage and parenting. Paul lives in Toronto, Ontario, Canada with his same-sex partner to whom he is now legally married.
Thanks, Paul, for helping me out.
Paul’s contact information follows this essay.
–Loren Olson
COLAGE, a San Francisco-based organization that supports kids of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender parents, estimates that there are over 10 million kids in the U.S. alone with one or more LGB or T parent.
LGBT Parents, Adoptive and Biological (Part III): Intergenerational Couples
By: Paul F. Cogan
An age difference between members of a gay couple (intergenerational LGBT couples) who have children presents some difficult challenges as the older member of the couple approaches retirement. Without some work, these challenges can lead to failure of the relationship.
“Mario” and “Mitchell” are a gay couple approaching their 27th anniversary. Their age difference is seven years. [Many intergenerational couples have an age difference of fifteen years or more.] As “Mario” and “Mitchell” have gotten older, some of the differences in their age – never a real consideration before – have become a more prominent issue in their aspirations about parenting.
At age 56, “Mario” is envisioning slowing down, relinquishing work and ambition, and having more time to enjoy father/daughter time with “Sandy,” his nineteen year old daughter from his straight marriage. In contrast, “Mitchell”, age 49, is investing in his career, setting goals that match his ambition, and exploring parenting for the first time as a gay man.
“Mitchell” has noticed the shift in “Mario’s” thinking. Mid-life gay parenting is new for both of them, and they both worry about how they will manage the change in their relationship. Will “Mitchell” constantly envy “Mario’s” parental status in the absence of having a child of his own? Will “Mario” feel guilty spending time with “Sandy” who does not want siblings? Will their different parental needs/desires trigger greater conflict within their marriage?
The answer depends upon the foundation of the relationship of the gay parents. Age difference in gay parenting relationship is not much of an issue if the intentions of both the gay parents while entering the relationship have been addressed honestly. If the parenting relationship is based on similar interests and values, with a strong desire to parent, then it is bound to stand the tests of time, despite the age gap.
People decide to have children for a variety of reasons; sometimes their reasons are related to needs that are unrelated to a wish to raise a child. If, for example, an older gay person is seeking parenthood with a young gay person just to reassure himself that he is still sexually appealing, or if a younger gay man is seeking parenthood with an older gay man just because it’s his way of seeking security, then the parenting relationship is headed for some difficult challenges.
In fact, age difference in gay parenting relationships can sometimes have very positive impact on both the parents and the child. Often times it is seen that a younger gay parent brings considerable energy and spark into the parenting process. At the same time, the older parent provides the younger parent with the much needed emotional stability to become a good parent.
On the flip side, age difference in parenting relationships can be very challenging, especially in social situations where both parents find it very difficult to adjust to inevitable changes in their relatioships with each others’ friends and family. Here is some useful parenting advice for intergenerational gay couples from other gay couples who have already faced the challenges:
•When dealing with age difference in parenting relationships, the first thing that you should do is to remember the adage,”Age is just a number.”
•Each prospective parent should behave as a parenting equal.
•There are likely to be dissimilarities parenting skills and abilities. One parent or the other may have already experienced parenting from a previous marriage with regards to many of the parenting issues that will come up, although the experienced parent isn’t necessarily a better parent.
•Parenting compatibility is much more important than chronological age. Just like any other normal, healthy parenting relationship, a gay parenting relationship with a considerable age gap between parents requires a lot of commitment from both parents. Friends or family will have something to say about the age difference in parenting relationships and may even pressure you to re-think your desires to become parents. Someone has rightly said,” Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
Abigail Garner and family
Still, age differences matters when it comes to parenting by gay couples, and it is probably a good idea to anticipate the challenges. Here are some key areas gay couples may wish to consider:
1.Where are we in life? Are we in significantly different stages now, or will we be at some point in the future? How willing and able are we to address the inevitable differences in the actual aging process, and the potential dependency of an older partner on a younger one?
2.How do age differences enhance or inhibit our ability to share power fairly in the parenting relationship? Does the younger partner exert more influence by virtue of their youth or attractiveness? Does the older partner do so by virtue of career and income? How do these characteristics influence the way we make parenting decisions, and how can we correct for the imbalances that might emerge?
3.How do age differences contribute to our appreciation for each other and our child? What can I learn about parenting from my partner that someone of my own generation may be less likely to provide? How do I respect and incorporate some of these differences in my parenting, while simultaneously maintaining my basic integrity and sense of self?
4.How will we address the sometimes inevitable negative judgments of others, especially peers and family in becoming parents together? Will we be defensive of our child, or can we approach such instances with dignity and self-respect?
Paul Cogan’s contact information:
For personal advice: p_f_cogan@hotmail.com.
For personal web sites:
Barrie-queer Review:
Examiner
Twitter
[What if you were the new parent, teacher or friend of a kid with a gay mother or father? Read more for tips from About.com that can help parents, friends and educators support children with gay parents. Click here.]
LGBT Parents, Adoptive and Biological (Part III): Coming Out to Kids
Paul F. Cogan has graciously agreed to write a series of essays on gay parenting to help me out as I recover from my knee replacement surgery. This is Part III in the series.
Paul chose to come out as a gay man by allowing his life story to be told on a nationally broadcast current affairs television program in Canada. Telling his story of 23 years in a straight marriage and 17 years in a gay marriage drew public attention to issues of gay marriage and parenting. Paul lives in Toronto, Ontario, Canada with his same-sex partner to whom he is now legally married.
Thanks, Paul, for helping me out.
Paul’s contact information follows this essay.
–Loren Olson
LGBT Parents, Adoptive and Biological (Part III): Coming Out to Kids
By: Paul F. Cogan
Keith Haring
In the absence of institutional validation (i.e. domestic partnership and same-sex adoption legislation) gay and lesbian couples must develop extensive legal documentation to ensure the protection of their family.
Many gay parents must carry power of attorney papers that clearly state their legal right to make medical decisions for their children should the need ever arise. In a heterosexual family, a medical doctor would typically assume both parents have a right to make medical decisions.
The wills of many gay parents have to be structured in such a way as to insure that legal custody of their children upon a parent’s death passes to their partners. A heterosexual parent’s right to custody of her child in the event of the death of a spouse would not even come under the scrutiny of a court system.
Parenting is challenging
Gay parents face all the same issues heterosexual parents face. Gay parents are no less exhausted at the 2 a.m. feeding. They are no less concerned when their child’s temperature registers 104 degrees. Their couple relationships — including their sex lives — are no less challenged by the busyness of working and day care, dinner and laundry, and all of the complexities of family life.
Lesbian moms and gay dads are as overwhelmed about money, and as frightened about teenage substance abuse as any other parent. Gay parents need to balance housework and careers, find appropriate day care, and good pediatricians. Single gay parents, like all single parents, need to turn to family or friends for help or face these challenges alone.
However, for gay parents there are some very significant differences. Gay parents are never able to forget that they are a minority among parents. Like all minorities, they face certain prejudices and stereotypes. Many people — school officials and lawyers, social service agencies and medical doctors — may be offended by or hostile to same sex couples.
The Trauma of Divorce
Although it is changing, for those gay parents involved in a custody battle, the risk of losing custody of your children is real. Gay parents often have little protection in society’s homophobic legal systems. Fears of a former spouse using sexual orientation in a custody battle may cause the gay spouse to avoid or delay coming out.
It is essential that the gay spouse be represented by a gay-supportive attorney. (Lambda Legal does not make legal referrals, but they do maintain the names of attorneys who are sensitive to LGBT and HIV-related issues.)
Coming Out to Kids
In addition to the many legal and medical obstacles faced by gay parents, gay parents face one hurdle that other gay people will never have to face: coming out to their own children. When and how to tell your children is a highly personal decision. Before coming out as a gay parent you will have to consider the risks and benefits of your particular family situation.
Just as we are subject to violence and discrimination, so are our children. By coming out to their teachers, friend’s parents and neighbors can set your children up for school-yard taunting. Be sure to let your children know you are ready to talk to them if this happens and remind them that it is your job to protect them, not their job to protect you.
One gay father said, “Before my son’s new friend had a sleep-over, I made sure to come out to his parents. His family was great about it but I wouldn’t want to take the risk that they were homophobic. I didn’t want any rumors started about my son.”
When parents split, it is normal for their children to harbor some hostility toward any new parental partner. If you’ve recently broken off from your child’s mother or father, don’t expect your child to be as excited about your new gay love as you are.
If you live your life in the closet, you may be sending an inadvertent message to your child that it is not okay to be gay. If you keep this information from them, they may think you are ashamed of being a gay.
Your children are going to get many messages that homosexuality is wrong. Their school friends may tell gay jokes. They will see homophobic messages on TV and in the movies. You may offer your child the only positive messages they receive about gays, lesbians and bisexuals.
Coming out is generally not an issue if your child was born or adopted into a family with same-sex parents; the evidence is right in front of the child’s eyes. If your child first knew you as a straight parent, however, you may feel that coming out to them is both incredibly difficult and incredibly important.
First, ask yourself how comfortable you are with your own sexual identity. Your confidence will be conveyed and your child will feel more comfortable during the coming out process. The following tips about coming out are from from COLAGE, a national organization for children, youth, and adults with one or more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and/or queer (LGBTQ) parent/s:
•It’s never too early to come out to your child/ren. Kids understand love. What they don’t understand is deception or hiding. And it’s never too late to come out to your child. Often just knowing the truth will be a relief for kids of all ages.
•Tell your child/ren in a private space where the conversation can’t be overheard and will be completely confidential. Telling them at your regular Saturday night dinner at your favorite restaurant will be overwhelming.
•Make sure you tell them when there will be plenty of time for the conversation to continue if it needs to. If they are staying with you for the weekend, for example, talk with the kids on Saturday morning instead of waiting ’til the drive back to their other home on Sunday night.
•If you are agonizing over exactly what to say, try writing it down first or practicing with a friend.
•Kids’ responses are going to vary. Some may need some time and space to process the information on their own. Some might have a million questions. Others may barely react at all. No matter how your kids respond to your coming out, honor the process that they need to go through for themselves.
•Listen and ask your children what they already know and feel about LGBTQ people, both as a starting point for them to have a discussion about sexual orientation; as well as in regards to suspicions they may have had about you.
•Don’t think that coming out to your kids means it’s time to have “the big sex talk.” Explain your sexuality in age-appropriate ways and in ways that they can understand. Talk about having feelings of love, care, and concern, along with attraction, for the same sex. If you are involved with someone and feel comfortable sharing this information, it’s a good idea as you will be explaining your feelings for someone your kids know. Another person makes the whole thing more concrete and less abstract.
•Think of this as a lifelong conversation, not a one-time deal. Your children’s thoughts, feelings, and questions will continue over time and change as they get older. This month they might not care, next month they might be mortified, next year they may have lots of questions. Keep the conversation alive; the tricky part is to avoid having them feeling like you want to talk about it ALL the time.
•Let them know that no matter what, you love them. One of the main things kids worry about is that you will no longer share the common interests that you used to, or that you will somehow be different than you used to be. Let your kids know that you are happy and are enjoying a new aspect of your life, but that no matter what, they are your number one priority. And then prove it to them by being consistent, attentive, and communicative.
•Help break down stereotypes of gay people for them. If your children already know other gay people draw comparisons between you and them. If they don’t, tell them things that may seem obvious to you, like not all gay men are hairdressers. Give them examples of famous LGBTQ people who they can look up to. They may be concerned that your whole personality is going to change now that you are gay; reassure them that you are still you. Being gay is simply one part of who you are.
•Give them options of other supportive adults to talk with. Sometimes it’s easier for kids to express some of their feelings with another adult because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. If one of your parents, siblings, or friends is being especially supportive or there is another adult that you trust, arrange for them to spend time with the kids to provide a sounding board.
•Respect your kids’ wishes about how, when, and who they come out to about you. Let them tell their friends, peers, and others at their own pace and in their own time. Recognize that now they too have the joy and burden of coming out.
•Connect them with other kids who have LGBTQ parents. When children know they are not alone and have opportunities to share with other kids with LGBTQ parents, they have fewer problems. Go to events with your local LGBTQ family group if there is one. Buy books for them about gay families or have your kids join an on-line discussion group. Just let them know they are part of a community that cares and understands.
In the last two decades many self-identified gay and lesbian parents, single and in couples, have actively chosen to have children outside of a socially sanctioned heterosexual marriage. This new openness means gay parents are now starting to show up in fertility clinics for information about attempting pregnancy.
They are coming to adoption agencies stating clearly the nature of their family. They are going to attorneys for information on second parent same-sex adoption. And they are going to school events and sports games with the same enthusiasm as straight parents.
The impact this lesbian and gay parental boom will have on the next generation is enormous. The new reality is that all throughout society gay and lesbian parents are birthing, nurturing, and raising children who will be attending the same schools, playing on the same playgrounds, and challenging society to deal with this new level of family diversity.
Paul Cogan’s contact information:
For personal advice: p_f_cogan@hotmail.com.
For personal web sites:
Barrie-queer Review:
Examiner
Twitter
LGBT Parents, Adoptive and Biological (Part II): A Parent’s Transition from Straight to Gay
Paul F. Cogan has graciously agreed to write a series of essays on gay parenting to help me out as I recover from my knee replacement surgery. This is Part II in the series.
Paul has gone where few other gay men/fathers have gone. He chose to come out as a gay man by allowing his life story to be told on a nationally broadcast current affairs television program in Canada. Telling his story of 23 years in a straight marriage and 17 years in a gay marriage drew public attention to iisues of gay marriage and parenting that face those transitioning from a straight to a gay parenting role.
Paul lives in Toronto, Ontario, Canada with his same-sex partner; they are now legally married.
Thanks, Paul, for helping me out.
His contact information follows this essay.
–Loren Olson
LGBT Parents, Adoptive and Biological (Part II): A Parent’s Transition from Straight to Gay
By: Paul F. Cogan
It’s Saturday morning. “Janice” and “Sheri,” a lesbian couple, are out for breakfast with their two kids, three-year-old “Sammy” and baby “Zack.” When “Sidney” and “Ricky,” a gay couple, wander in to the diner, Sammy jumps out of her chair and runs over to them, shrieking, “Daddy! Dadda!” This is one new reality of a gay family: Two gay women, two gay men, two kids. The children go back and forth between two households.
It is impossible to describe a “typical” gay family. Some same-sex couples are childless, some decide to have a child within their relationship, while others may bring children from previous heterosexual or same-sex unions. Variations are seemingly endless.
Between one and nine million children in the United States have at least one parent who is lesbian or gay. Demographers have yet to track all the different types of blended gay. What a tangle of logistics and temperaments.
For these two couples, married life didn’t go quite the way everybody at one time dreamed it would, and it hasn’t been easy. But somehow this unusual, adventurous foursome have pulled it off.
According to the 2000 Census, there are approximately 594,000 same-sex partner households. About 27% of those households have children living in them. It is difficult to obtain an accurate count of same-sex parent families because many LGBT are not open about their sexual orientation due to fears of discrimination, such as loss of employment, loss of child custody, and anti-gay violence.
The rise in same-sex parenting is partially due to the increase in options available for same-sex couples to become parents. Although most children of same-sex couples are biological children of one of the parents, a growing number are the result of donor insemination, surrogacy, foster care and adoption.
One of the biggest challenges facing blended same-sex parented families is that they live in a culture that supports hetero-sexist and homophobic attitudes and beliefs. These beliefs can affect their families in a variety of ways. A second complication is that these new gay families are usually part of an existing nuclear family and may include children from previous heterosexual marriages. Some extended families may not be supportive of same-sex parenting.
Gay families must deal with disagreement from other family members about the authenticity and validity of their family relationships. Lack of support from a previous heterosexual partner and their shared heterosexual friends can cause major distress, and children can be caught in the middle.
Children raised by same-sex parents do not differ from children of heterosexual parents in any of the following areas of emotional functioning:
• Sexual orientation,
• Stigmatization,
• Gender role behavior,
• Behavioral adjustment,
• Gender identity,
• Learning and grade point averages.
Children raised by same-sex parents are usually more connected at school and are more likely to talk about emotionally difficult topics. They are often more resilient, compassionate and tolerant.
In parenting, same-sex parents face the same concerns that heterosexual parents face, including management of time and money, and all of the other responsibilities of parenthood. These concerns include: providing appropriate structure for children, being warm and accepting, setting limits, teaching open and honest communication and healthy conflict resolution, and monitoring the child’s peer network and extracurricular activities.
It’s a safe bet to assume that none of the members of the previously mentioned gay and lesbian couples had imagined things were going to turn out quite like this. Both couples went to see lawyers. They drafted a legal agreement that covered when each family got the children, how much money would change hands, even how disputes would be worked out. Now among the tensions and prickliness, the sheer newness of things, for this gay family there are lots of lovely moments that reminded them of the joys of what it is like being a gay family.
Gay-led families already exist across much of society today. They will continue to exist – and seem to exist in even greater numbers — even when discrimination against them is written into law. The resistance in recognizing gay blended families does nothing to reconcile these families to each other or their communities, and too often it needlessly drives them apart.
The idea that parenting has not evolved is historically untrue. Today, there are many on-line communities available that specialize in gay and lesbian family issues and provide a safe, nonjudgmental and understanding environment where they can obtain guidance, support, and recognition that they may not be receiving from the broader social arena.
Major issues affecting blended same-sex parented families that are often discussed in these blogging communities:
• LGBT parented families may have concerns about discrimination in parenting. A parent’s minority sexual orientation identity status may be brought up in custody disputes as a reason to restrict or deny custody by the child’s other parent.
• The complexities of co-parenting and blended families present for heterosexual parents are also present for same-sex parents.
• Complications exist in LGBT parented families simply due to the biological complexities of conceiving children when parents are the same sex.
• In same-sex relationships, it is common for extended families to acknowledge intimate relationships differently from heterosexual relationships. Extended families may see parenting as a necessary step in validating a relationship for same-sex couples or they may view parenting with similar biased and discriminatory views, even denying one parent’s relationship to the children.
• Explaining family relationships is uniquely complex for lesbian and gay parented families because of the lack of societal norms and relevant examples in media, stereotyped notions about such relationships that are common, and the fear of discrimination faced by these families.
For many gay parents competent parenting will be influenced by the LGBT parents’ ability to accept and acknowledge their own identity and how they negotiate living in a hetero-sexist or otherwise discriminatory society, while rearing their children in a family unit that is not socially sanctioned..
Gay parents must be prepared help their children to understand how homophobia can impact their daily lives and the dynamics of their family. Both internalized homophobia and experiences of outside discrimination may mean that extended families need to spend more time in family discussions to build rapport with each other and to feel comfortable disclosing personal and family-related concerns outside their family unit.
Paul Cogan’s contact information:
For personal advice: p_f_cogan@hotmail.com.
For personal web sites:
Barrie-queer Review:
Examiner
Twitter
LGBT as Parents, Adoptive and Biological (Part I)
Paul F. Cogan has graciously agreed to write a series of essays on gay parenting to help me out as I recover from my knee replacement surgery.
Paul passionately advocates for LGBTA parents. He has spoken about LGBTA-parenting issues in print (Advocate and FAB); on the radio (CBC and CFRB); and on television (GLOBAL and CTV); on the Internet (three websites and four blogs.) He has presented at various local and provincial workshops and conferences.
Paul lives in Toronto, Ontario, Canada with same-sex partner for thirty years and to whom he is legally married. They have four grown children. His contact information follows this essay.
Thanks, Paul, for helping me out.
– Loren Olson
Gay Men and Lesbians as Adoptive Parents/Families (Part I)
By: Paul F. Cogan
Gay men and Lesbians are coming out, but not only as homosexual. They are coming out as parents of biological and adoptive children. LGBT have always adopted, though in the past, they had to hide their sexual orientation largely because heterosexual society mistrusted their motivations.
Today, LGBT are becoming visible in all areas of society. Now they are being recognized as suitable adoptive parents. This change has been aided by the increasing numbers LGBT who have chosen to become biological parents, forcing society. in general to consider re-examining the suitability of LG BT as adoptive parents
Defining the family structure of LGBT as adoptive parents/families can be challenging. The most common type of homosexual household is step-families. Blended LGBT families are those where biological children were born in a former heterosexual relationship prior to “coming out.” One biological parent creates a new family with another partner.
A somewhat less common alternative is when the family structure includes single, gay, or lesbian parents and couples who have adopted non-biological children together, generally through adoption. LGBT parents need to be understood so they and their children can be supported so they can thrive.
In custody cases involving LGBT parents, courts historically considered the fact that a child might be teased as contrary to the best interests of the child. In such cases it has been argued that the stigma attached to having an LGBT parent damages a child’s self-esteem. Research has repeatedly refuted this. Nearly every study found that although children of LGBT parents do report that they experience teasing because of their parent(s’) sexual orientation, their self-esteem is not diminished.
In 1984 the U. S. Supreme Court heard a case, Palmore v. Sidoti, in which a Florida man sought custody of his daughter on the grounds that his white former wife was now married to a black man. He claimed that this would expose his daughter to the stigma of living in an inter-racial family. The Court ruled that the girl should stay with her mother. They cited that under the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment, “private biases may be outside the reach of the law, but the law cannot, directly or indirectly, give them effect”.
Although the Court’s ruling dealt specifically with racial prejudices, several LGBT adoption/custody cases have cited this case as a rebuttal to the argument that placing a child in an LGBT family subjects the child to social stigma that is universally contrary to the child’s best interests.
Some adoptive LGBT have asked themselves if it is in the best interest of their child to be raised by homosexual parents. Indeed, it can be too hard a transition for some children, especially those who are older and have already formed preconceived attitudes about homosexuality.
Younger children usually have an easier time adjusting to an LGBT-parented home. Young children haven’t yet learned the societal biases against gays and lesbians. When a gay person is the prospective adoptive parent of an older child, the child should be told and his/her feelings about the parent’s sexual orientation must be considered.
Adoptive children of LGBT are vulnerable to teasing and harassment, particularly as they approach adolescence where any sign of difference is grounds for exclusion. LGBT parents are well aware of the difficulties that an adoptive child may face — many have dealt with prejudice all of their lives. But most of these LGBT parents see it as an opportunity for on-going discussions with their children that ultimately will help their adoptive children grow as people.
Adoptive children of LGBT parents need to be taught when it’s OK to tell people and when not to. It is critical that these children understand that they don’t have to be ‘out’ all of the time. Gay and Lesbian adoptive parents must grapple with this issue: Should their children be sheltered from every experience in which their difference might invoke prejudice through ignorance or efforts by others to maintain the heterosexual paradigm as the status quo
Gay and lesbian adoptive parents must also think about how they will explain to younger children, in age-appropriate language, not only how and why the child became adopted but also about the parents’ sexual orientation. Both are complex topics that should be addressed a number of times as the child grows and matures. Each time it is discussed, additional information can be given based on the child’s questions and their emerging concepts about all sexuality. Then both topics become accepted facts of family life.
Courts have also expressed concern that children raised by LGBT parents may have difficulties with their personal and psychological development, self-esteem, and social and peer relationships. Not a single court case has been able to prove children of LGBT parents to be disadvantaged in any significant respect relative to children of heterosexual parents.
Social and religious conservatives have made dire predictions about children based on well-known theories of psychosocial development. Despite a substantial number of court cases citing this issue, the courts have found that an adoptive parent’s capacity to be respectful and supportive of the child’s autonomy and to maintain their own intimate attachments, far outweighs the influence of the parent’s sexual orientation alone.
Second parent adoption has become routine for children of heterosexual step-parents. In some cases where an LGBT person is the legally-recognized adoptive parent, the second parent may be allowed to adopt the child even when they are not married. This leaves the parental rights of one legally recognized parent intact while creating a second legally recognized parent for the adoptive child
Second parent adoption is the only way for gay couples to both become legal parents of their children. Although state statutes generally provide a “step-parent exception”, these exceptions emphasize the existence of a legal marriage between the biological parent and the step-parent.
This growing practice was tested in a landmark case in Vermont in 1993. Jane Van Buren had given birth to two boys through anonymous donor insemination. According to the law, only Ms. Van Buren was considered their parent. Her partner, Deborah Lashman, had no legal standing.
The couple filed a petition for a second parent adoption, asking the probate court to allow Ms. Lashman to adopt the children while leaving Ms. Van Buren’s parental rights intact. The court denied the adoptions because Ms. Lashman was not married to the biological parent.
On June 18, 1993, the Vermont Supreme Court unanimously reversed the decision of the lower court and awarded joint custody to the couple. With this decision, the Vermont Supreme Court became the first State Supreme Court to recognize lesbian co-parent adoptions. As a result of this finding, other couples are likely to find second parent adoptions easier to accomplish in Vermont and in other areas of the country.
Second parent adoptions (by unmarried couples) have been granted by the courts — the approvals were generally from the lower level courts — in 21 States and the District of Columbia.
Several different avenues exist for adoption: public, private, independent, open or international adoption. Depending on the type of adoption and how an LGBT becomes an adoptive parent. How open you are as an adoptive parent about your homosexuality will depend upon your personal feelings on disclosure, whether direct questions are to be addressed with your adoptive children and what laws you must operate under where you and your family reside. One important point for all adoptive parents to be aware of is – the difference between not sharing private information and deliberately lying at any time to the adoptive children.
In up-coming articles in this series I will delve deeper into the various aspects of blended adoptive families. I will address older and younger adoptive couples in which the older parent might have kids, and the younger parent wants them but also wants some of their own together. I will also address how adoptive children can be expected to respond when parents self-identify to their adoptive children.
Paul Cogan’s contact information:
For personal advice: p_f_cogan@hotmail.com.
For personal web sites:
Barrie-queer Review:
Examiner
Twitter
Married, Gay, and Tormented
Tom Mendicino’s book, Probation, tells the story of Andrew “Andy” Nocera, a man who just can’t stop risking the loss of a life of luxury cars and cashmere sweaters. He risks it all by chasing anonymous homosexual encounters in “piss-soaked and shit-stinking public toilets.” Eventually, he is arrested and placed on probation for having sex at an Interstate rest area.
Some have complained that the novel is too dark, but Andy’s story is one I hear from men on a regular basis. Perhaps it isn’t that the story is too dark; it’s just that most of our heterosexual society would prefer not to hear it. The LGBT community says that the obvious solution is coming out but many fail to realize how difficult that is for these men who have been charting a different course.
One study in New York City found that nearly 10% of married men had had sex with another man in the year prior to the study. Why do these men live these lives? Many of them are married and feel that they have too much at stake to come out. Living heterosexual lives, they fear the loss of their family (particularly their relationships with their children), their profession and sometimes their cultural and religious communities.
Andy describes his wife, Alice, as “like a distant buoy bobbing on the surface of a placid but unnavigable lake.” Andy, like many of these men, loved
his wife whom he considered his best friend. But he also feared that Alice loved him for all of the things he hated about himself: feeling weak, soft and needing protection.
Andy and Alice “[lived] in a zone where questions [are] never asked and answers never given.” Many couples, even unknowingly, collude to keep their secret, choosing to maintain the status quo. For many years, Alice was willing to close her eyes to everything, ignoring the obvious. Even after they separated, she missed Andy, her best friend.
Andy felt that loving Alice as he should always remained out of reach. Men like Andy often feel unskilled in heterosexual love-making. They’ve feel like they never received a copy of the heterosexual dating play book. When Andy saw Alice naked, he thought, “Maybe I loved her but I didn’t desire her.” Although he had an occasional gold medal sexual performance with Alice, Andy became exhausted from his attempts at a satisfying sex life with Alice. Finally, he came to believe he couldn’t respond to her even if I wanted to.
At some point, Andy, like many of us, discovered sex with another man. Some men discover their attraction to other men early in life; they have “always known.” Others almost seem to unexpectedly stumble upon same-sex activity.
Through these early years Andy made conscious, deliberate choices that protected him so that none of his homosexual pairings would become more than a casual, superficial experience. Andy immediately disposed of occasional, secret thoughts that would have revealed his true nature. He just didn’t want to identify himself as someone who could love another man.
Andy was tormented by the life he led. Men who are in Andy’s situation live 
lonely, hidden lives. They do not have a community of gay friends and they cannot speak of it with their straight friends. Like Andy, some see themselves as too masculine to be gay. They cannot identify with the men they find in gay bars; they are disgusted by them, as if they are “mock[ing] everything I believe in.” They are unaware of how frequently they misjudge the bar’s patrons.
The sleazy underground meeting places where men meet for casual sex don’t do much to enhance the participants self worth. They seem filled with unsavory, dysfunctional men, and there you are, just one more of them. Some insist on unsafe sex. When Andy once suggested he would put on a condom, his sexual partner responded, “What do you think I am? Some kind of fag?”
People who engage in casual sex often don’t think of themselves as “the kind of person who engages in casual sex.” Many do not think of themselves as “gay.” In the same study mentioned above, nearly 10% of men who define themselves as heterosexual had sex exclusively with other men.
These men live in every part of the world. The Internet has offered some opportunities for these men to meet, but they don’t often lead to discovering strong gay role models who help them deal with their anguish. Social interaction often leads to cybersex with another unhappy married man who abandoned his wife in the marital bed.
Because of his anxiety, shame and guilt, Andy’s life became a pattern of drinking too much and tricking with anonymous men. In most research related to suicide the pain of the hidden lives of mature men who have sex with men is never considered. And yet, many men who feel trapped between gay and straight feel hopeless about finding a satisfactory solution to their dilemma.
The Department of Health and Human Services has released a report called Healthy People that addresses LGBT health issues. Research suggests that discrimination against LGBT persons has been associated with high rates of psychiatric disorders (1), substance abuse (2, 3) and suicide. (4) Experiences of violence and victimization are frequent. (5) Personal, family, and social acceptance of sexual orientation affects the mental health and personal safety of LGBT individuals. (6)
But sexual orientation questions, and in particular questions of confusion about sexual orientation, are not asked in most surveys. If risks of suicide and substance abuse are higher for the LGBT population, they are most certainly higher for those who remain paralyzed in making a decision.
Some eventually come out after they discover they can no longer avoid living the life they were really meant to live. Andy waited years to find someone who would tell him that they really liked him. When he finally did find someone, he found it impossible to trust since he disliked himself so much. He had learned that his body could respond to the touch he truly desired. Andy said he felt “the fissures in the fault line of the life I’d created. I need to become who I am rather than who I thought I wanted to be.” Coming out is anything but a linear process.
This is Mendocino’s first novel, although his stories have been published previously, in gay anthologies. Mendocino’s purpose seems to be to help us understand the pain of a man who experiences an intense internal dissonance. In the process he has exposed a major, under-recognized public health issue. Mendocino has been in a relationship for over thirty years to a man who is a physician long involved in treating HIV related illnesses.
Some have expressed concern about the novels “darkness,” but Mendocino is not content for his readers to exist in that same dead zone where Alice and Andy lived during their marriage.
Those of us who have lived – or continue to live — Andy’s experience recognize how very dark that place seems. But when faced with difficult choices, we ruminate on the negative possibilities and can’t seem to find the positive ones. The novel ends on a bright note as Andy seeks to find self-actualization. On then can he begin to write the final happy ending.ly
Refernces:
(1) McLaughlin KA, Hatzenbuehler ML, Keyes KM. Responses to discrimination and psychiatric disorders among black, Hispanic, female, and lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals. Am J Public Health. 2010;100(8):1477-84.
(2) Ibanez GE, Purcell DW, Stall R, et al. Sexual risk, substance use, and psychological distress in HIV-positive gay and bisexual men who also inject drugs. AIDS. 2005;19(suppl 1):49-55.
(3) Herek GM, Garnets LD. Sexual orientation and mental health. Annu Rev Clin Psychol. 2007;3:353-75.
(4) Remafedi G, French S, Story M, et al. The relationship between suicide risk and sexual orientation: Results of a population-based study. Am J Public Health. 1998;88(1):57-60.
(5) Roberts AL, Austin SB, Corliss HL, et al. Pervasive trauma exposure among US sexual orientation minority adults and risk of posttraumatic stress disorder. Am J Public Health. 2010 Apr 15.
(6) US Department of Health and Human Services. Healthy People 2010. [Internet]. Available from: http://www.hhs.gov
Fidelity: An Issue of the Brain, not the Genitals
Fidelity: An Issue for the Head, not the Genitals
By Loren A. Olson MD (From Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, a Psychiatrist’s Own Story, due out March 10, 2111.
The default setting for marriage is an exclusive sexual and romantic relationship throughout the marriage, but apparently it is difficult for most humans, gay or straight, to maintain. What renders outside sexual relationships damaging is not the sex, but the secrecy, deception and lack of agreement.
Gay men frequently have been targeted as having deficient moral standards about monogamy in comparison to heterosexual couples. Some monogamous gay couples experience a relationship that feels too dyadic, too narrow, with no room for even male platonic friendships. It appears, however, that the difference between gay and straight as it relates to fidelity may not be all that different.
Pamela Druckerman in Lust in Translation: The Rules of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee (2007), said that 80% of respondents indicated they thought infidelity was wrong, but most of those who got caught cheating didn’t think of themselves as “the cheating kind.” Only other people who committed infidelity were cheaters.
Lust in Translation
Click here for: Ten Signs that your Parnter is Cheating.
Our culture socializes men to be independent, and some male couples seek to reduce their dependence upon each other by seeking sex outside the relationship. Some couples consider their relationships “open” but run into problems when there is a lack of agreement about how non-exclusiveness will be managed.
A study of gay couples at San Francisco State University reported in the New York Times (2010) found that 50% of those surveyed have sex outside their relationships, with the knowledge and approval of their partners. As romance and passion diminish, love may live without desire and ardor may abide without love.
Although statistics like this have been used as evidence that only gay men are incapable of long term, committed relationships, a study by AARP “Sex, Romance and Relationship Survey, completed in 1999 concerning changing attitudes about extramarital relationships provides a different perspective.
New attractions cause excitement to build, judgment to fail, and trouble to begin. According to the previously mentioned AARP survey in 1999 about 41% of the survey respondents said non-marital sex was wrong. Now, only 22% give their thumbs down vote to sex outside the marriage
A related finding from the same reports provides additional insights into adult sexuality. Some believe that if a person is involved in a satisfying heterosexual marriage, masturbation is “lusting of the heart,” and just another variation of infidelity.
People who masturbate have more sex and more satisfying sex. In the AARP Survey of Midlife and Older Adults (2009) “Sex, Romance and Relationships,” AARP reported that of all men in their fifties, 42% masturbate to ejaculation at least once a week.
Men masturbate for all sorts of reasons. Many people believe that an affair indicates there is something profoundly wrong in the marriage, but those who have affairs often report good sex with their partner and rewarding family lives. This seems to undermine the idea that men in stable relationships should have no need to masturbate because of an always present and willing sexual partner.
Non-monogamous sex can interfere with sexual desire for the spouse, and if adventures become regular, they can become destructive in the relationship. Couples sometimes will introduce a third person into their sexual relationship to add sexual excitement, but problems result if the primary spousal relationship is already strained, and one of the pair feels left out.
Ted Haggard
While I was still married to my wife, I began seeing my first gay lover while we were both married. We both understood that we were cheating on our wives. We each justified our behavior with our own personal rationalizations, however weak.
It is possible to attach oneself to more than one person emotionally, but loving more than one person is very difficult to do. The question, “Did you have sex with that person?” is what most people insist upon knowing, but betrayal and emotional infidelity are far more damaging to a relationship than sexual infidelity.
Once loyalty shifts and trust is broken, it can be very difficult, though not impossible, to re-establish a solid relationship. In seeking resolution, the individuals in the relationship lock themselves into conflict if they focus only on, “You Son-of-a-bitch! How could you?” rather than “What have I done to contribute to a weakening of our relationship?”
Some people are turning to what they call “responsible non-monogamy” or “polyamory.” Polyamory literally means “many loves.” No statistics are available for how frequently polyamory exists, but it is said to be more common in heterosexuals. Proponents of polyamory believe that humans experience varying degrees of loving others. They see the barrier between friends and lovers as permeable.
Polyamory follows rules of poly-fidelity, or fidelity within a closed system. In polyamory, the primary relationship takes on the characteristics of a spousal relationship with a high degree of commitment; all other relationships are subordinate. Secondary relationships involve both emotional and sexual intimacy and are enduring, but the secondary relationship does not carry the power or authority of the primary relationship.
One man in my research spoke of his twenty-five year relationship with his partner who has become impotent because of surgery for cancer of the prostate. Although he continues to love his partner, he also loves another man with whom he has engaged in a daily, long-term Internet relationship that includes web cam sex as sexually intimate as it can be in two dimensions.
Variations are seemingly endless. Many find it difficult to comprehend that a man can love a woman while preferring to have sex with another man. Many of these men claim to have a good sex life with women, all the while knowing that for them sex with a man is more satisfying. I know of several heterosexually married couples where of the four individuals in the two couples, the two men have developed on-going, long term sexual relationships with each other. They sought these relationships as a way of dealing with their same-sex attractions. The families are friends, travel together and seem content. Others I know have been open with their wives about their male sexual partners; their wives have agreed to share their spouse with a man rather than accept a divorce. Even in those situations where they do divorce, these men may never define themselves as gay.
The most common problems in these relationships are predictable. When someone new is brought into the system, there is an intense sexual focus on the newest member, and triangulation of relationships results in possessiveness and jealousy. Frequency of sexual intimacy between the primary spousal partners may diminish.
Schedules and an over-riding commitment to children complicate these relationships. To be successful, all relationships within the system must be respected. They must be based on honesty and authenticity rather than sex alone. Members must also be assertive to get their own needs met and boundaries and limits must be respected.
Druckerman P (2007). Lust in Translation: The Rules of Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee. New York: Penguin Press HC, The.
LGBT Face Health Disparities
The Department of Health and Human Services has released a report called Healthy People that provides science-based, 10-year national objectives for improving the health of all Americans.
LGBT health issues and issues of health disparities are addressed for the first time.
Research suggests that LGBT individuals face health disparities linked to societal stigma, discrimination, and denial of their civil and human rights. Discrimination against LGBT persons has been associated with high rates of psychiatric disorders (1) substance abuse, (2, 3) and suicide. (4) Experiences of violence and victimization are frequent for LGBT individuals, and have long-lasting effects on the individual and the community. (5) Personal, family, and social acceptance of sexual orientation and gender identity affects the mental health and personal safety of LGBT individuals. (6)
References:
1. McLaughlin KA, Hatzenbuehler ML, Keyes KM. Responses to discrimination and psychiatric disorders among black, Hispanic, female, and lesbian, gay, and bisexual individuals. Am J Public Health. 2010;100(8):1477-84.
2. Ibanez GE, Purcell DW, Stall R, et al. Sexual risk, substance use, and psychological distress in HIV-positive gay and bisexual men who also inject drugs. AIDS. 2005;19(suppl 1):49-55.
3. Herek GM, Garnets LD. Sexual orientation and mental health. Annu Rev Clin Psychol. 2007;3:353-75.
4. Remafedi G, French S, Story M, et al. The relationship between suicide risk and sexual orientation: Results of a population-based study. Am J Public Health. 1998;88(1):57-60.
5. Roberts AL, Austin SB, Corliss HL, et al. Pervasive trauma exposure among US sexual orientation minority adults and risk of posttraumatic stress disorder. Am J Public Health. 2010 Apr 15.
6. US Department of Health and Human Services. Healthy People 2010. [Internet]. Available from: http://www.hhs.gov
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