Archive for March, 2011
Will There Be Cake?
Here’s a piece I wrote for Huffington Post.
When my daughter announced to my granddaughter, “Grandpa and Doug are getting married,” my granddaughter asked, “Oh? Who are they marrying?” My daughter responded that we were marrying each other. After a beat, my granddaughter said, “That’s weird.” Then, after another pause, she asked, “Will there be cake?”
I can’t fault my granddaughter for thinking same-sex marriage is weird; when I first heard several years ago that same-sex marriage was being proposed in Massachusetts, even though I had been “out” for many years, I thought it was pretty weird, too. No reference point existed for this significant social change. All that my granddaughter needed was reassurance that our marriage was about a public statement of love and commitment — and about cake — and that her world wouldn’t change.
Doug and I had been together 23 years, so he’d been a part of my grandchildren’s lives since they were born. The only comment I’d ever heard from my grandchildren that questioned our relationship was once when one of them said, “I didn’t know two grown men sleep together.”
That our government found it necessary to pass the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is far weirder to me than same-sex marriage. If marriage forms the bedrock of society, surely neither same-sex marriage would be a serious threat to it. More and more people seem to be feeling the same way. A survey by ABC and the Washington Post in March, 2011, found that for the first time over half (53%) of those surveyed support same-sex marriage. Five years ago, just 36% favored it.
To read the rest of the post, click here.
How to Talk with a Stranger.
I reeived this correspondence from a reader a few weeks ago and I thought it was worth sharing with other readers:
I am thirty-five years old, and I have not been in a relationship for years. I have also been celibate for over ten years now.
At a library that I have been going to for many years now, there is this guy who started working there about five years ago. From the very first time I saw this guy I fell in love with him. I think he may be in his early twenties from the way he looks.
The problem is that I have never said a word to him. Throughout the years I have tried to push aside the feelings that I have for him in order to protect myself from disappointment. I even stopped going to that library until recently.
Somehow I can’t stop thinking about him. All I can think about is him. From the time that I wake up each day until I go to sleep, I can’t get him out of my mind.
I hate to think of him in a sexual way because it just feels wrong although I would probably do anything for him.
I feel a bit silly feeling this way for anyone at my age. I thought I left that behind when I told myself years ago that I would never love again. And now this beautiful stranger that I know nothing about comes along and changes my mind. He does not even know it!
I fantasize gently kissing his lips and holding him close to me. I see myself whispering to him that I love him and that I dream of him ever night. I don’t know how to approach him.
I guess this is because when I was younger I always expected to be approached. I am also legendary for falling in love with guys whom I can’t have! Every time I see him I don’t know what to say to him, although I’ve rehearsed various scenarios in my mind many times. When he’s close to me it all goes away (except for how I feel about him.)
I just can’t help to think negative at times, like, “Why would he want me? I’m too old for him. He’s too beautiful for me. He must be straight or in a relationship.” But no matter how hard I try not to want him, I just don’t can’t stop.
I hate feeling like this, my feelings are bittersweet. I have not felt like this in so long. I have been thinking of ways to try to get his full name so I can (in my own privacy) find out more about him before I make a fool of myself, but I can’t even do that right!
It always seems like he looks at me when I look at him, and just two weeks ago he gave me eye contact for the first time. It’s almost as if he knows. It felt weird in a good way. I don’t know what to do any more. And I don’t want to give up yet without knowing what he’s about or what my chances are.
At this point I just want to tell him how I feel. I don’t know whom to turn to for advice, and that’s why I’m here in hopes that someone can help me. I’m about to go up to him and ask him to meet me for tea or something.
Or I’m about to just hang it up and move on. It’s not easy either way. Please help! Oh, and just so you all know, what makes things more complicated is that I’m HIV positive. So may turn him away.
Here’s my response:
I would like to respond to your question in a general way, rather than to specifically tell you what to do. Some of these questions might be best worked through with a personal counselor.
First of all, thirty five is a young man, so I would want to ask, “What has kept you celibate?” You would seem to be in the peak years of your sexual drive. Something is holding you back. Love and risk are inseparable. To resolve this, you will need to take some risks of rejection, but you’re living now as if the rejection has already occurred.
I don’t think you can truly love someone whom you know nothing about. You are in love with a fantasy of a relationship with him. Fantasies are fine but there is no risk to you involved. It is quite likely that in your head you have made him into some kind of super-hero, someone he could never live up to.
It also sounds as if your self-confidence is very low. How do you feel about your HIV status? In some ways, you sound as if you think of yourself as an old man with nothing to offer.
I entered my first relationship with a man at age forty, and that isn’t unusual. Why is it you feel you have so little to offer? Are you the man you want to be? What is holding you back from becoming that person? It isn’t hard to see as I read through your note that your self-esteem is a part of the problem.
Your negative thoughts about yourself (Why would he want ME?) need to be answered inside your head. What do you have to offer? When you say, “I FEEL like he wouldn’t want me,” you are rejecting him before he has a chance to accept or reject him. You can’t sell yourself if you don’t believe in yourself. You have put him on a pedestal and yourself in the gutter. You will be disappointed with him as long as you see him as perfect and yourself as so flawed.
You have also raised your anxiety about approaching him to a very high level because in your head you have already carried the relationship so far forward into the future that your expectations are very high. You need to lower them and set a smaller, short term goal. Perhaps your first goal should be to smile at him, nothing more. Perhaps the next goal should be just to say hello.
Take small steps. If that goes OK, the next goal might be a short conversation. You will reduce your anxiety if you break the large goal down into smaller, manageable units.
It is way too early to begin to tell him how you feel. Even if he likes you, you might come across as too needy. That might frighten him.
In summary, make him a real person, work on improving how you see yourself, and set modest goals for a relationship with him
Loren Olson
Does Viagra Enhance Male Sexuality or Undermine It?
I discovered this post on “Good Men Project: “The Blessings of Erectile Dysfunction,”
By Hugo Schwyzer, March 15, 2011
Erectile dysfunction shouldn’t necessarily send you running to the doctor for a Viagra prescription. Run-of-the-mill ED might just improve your sex life in the long run.
If you’ve turned on a television since 1998, you know how obsessed we are with guaranteeing hard-ons. Since the little blue pill appeared more than a dozen years ago, countless imitators of varying legitimacy and effectiveness have hit the market. Ads for drugs that promise to cure erectile dysfunction (ED) run nonstop during sporting events, and the sales of these medications generate hundreds of millions of dollars a year. We watch these ads and pop these pills without ever considering that the periodic inability to get an erection might just be the best thing that could happen to our sex lives.
I’m not talking about men who have serious medical problems that make it impossible to get erections without pharmaceutical help. Of course, the drug companies wouldn’t be making much money if those were the only men consuming Cialis and Levitra. A growing percentage of those taking these anti-ED drugs are men under 30, a population in which medical impotence is rare. Performance anxiety is what’s driving most young men’s Viagra consumption. And they’ll never get to the root cause of that anxiety unless they overcome the source of that fear: the belief that an erection defines a man’s sexual power.
To read the rest of the article, click here.
Here is my comment:
When I was writing my book, Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, I researched the topic of male sexual dysfunction. We even struggle to say those words but now are calling it “ED.” Men have been sold a bill of goods. We are raised to believe we must be able to get an erection any time, any where and with anyone. We are also to believe that a truly successful sexual partner is responsible for an explosive, mutual orgasm.
Our first experience with erectile difficulty starts a series of negative questions to run through our heads. Will I get it up? Will I keep it up? If I lose it, will I be able to get it back? We become observers of our sex life instead of participants.
Research into male sexuality suggests that our sexual function is dividied into four “domains:” Sexual desire, erectile function, ejaculation, and sexual satisfaction. What I found very interesting as a result of my research of the medical literature is that as we age, our sex dirve, erectile strength and ejaculation all diminish with age. However, sexual satisfaction does NOT diminish.
I believe that sexual satisfaction does not diminish for the reasons discussed in this article. As men age, they begin to expand their definition of love making beyond a rock hard erection and ejaculation on demand. Once the focus from that is removed, men become better lovers, refocusing on all the sensual pleasures of love making. The beauty of that is it removes the self-observing qualities that can develop with erectile dificulty. When those pressures are removed, the self-judging is relaxed and erectile performance improves.
Men do not experience the equivalent of menopause. The remain capable of fertility across their adult life span. And although some elements of sexuality diminish and change, sexual satisfaction can remain high well into late life.
When a Married Man has an Affair . . . with a Man
My husband is having an affair. . . with a man
Originally published on PsychologyToday.com March 5, 2011
Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you back for hurting me.
Sexual infidelity is often considered the ultimate betrayal. It disrupts on-going, meaningful relationships. When a heterosexual couple experiences infidelity and the offense is committed with someone of the same sex, it turns worlds upside down. All relationships have rules. We expect that our partners will keep our interests in mind even when potential rewards tempt them to break the rules. Infidelity occurs in the context of both heterosexual and same-sex relationships, although expectations may be different. In either case, when expectations are violated, the wrongdoer will have to account for his behavior.
As I wrote in Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, I know something about breaking rules. I was married with two children when I unexpectedly fell in love with a man. Things suddenly shifted inside my head, and I went from thinking I was straight to knowing I am gay. There was no other way to explain what I was feeling. Until shortly before I came out to my wife, she had no idea about my conflicts about sexual orientation.
“Kevin” is a man in his mid-fifties, married, with two children, one of whom is handicapped. His wife suspected Kevin’s interest in men, and she began to search for clues of his deception. She found his on-line user name and password for a gay chat room. She then began to send him emails as if she were a man interested in a “hook up.” Not knowing the messages were actually from his wife, Kevin arranged to meet “him” for coffee, and Kevin’s secret life was exposed.
To read the rest of this essay, click here.
Reviews of “Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight”
Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight
“For those who have struggled with coming out, Olson’s expert combination of private struggle and professional reflection will prove invaluable. His down-to-earth, conversational tone makes the work even more accessible, and his story will likely be embraced by anyone facing the same issues or even just intrigued by the topic.”
“Expertly integrating his personal story with psychology research and thought, Olson creates a type of hybrid work that blends well. The use of memoir gives the more academic parts an intimate, softer edge, while the employment of psychology gives Olson’s story a broader context.”
“[Dr. Olson’s] journey from heterosexual marriage to living as an openly out gay man to marrying his boyfriend and living on a farm in rural Iowa is a captivating tale rife with abundant introspection and analysis.”
ForeWord Reviews