Archive for April, 2011
I Fell in Love with my Masseuse
I received this letter from a man who chooses to remain anonymous:
Dear Dr. Olson
I have just recently discovered Magnetic Fire.com and will now read it regularly. I have ordered FinallyOut: Letting Go of Living Straight, and I am looking forward to reading it.
I am now a little past fifty years old. At fifty, I couldn’t live a lie any longer. I mustered up the courage to respond to a “Craig’s Llist M4M” [men for men] massage ad. I had never been with a man before and I truly hit the jackpot. I got much more then I anticipated. I met a beautiful, sweet man.
He is partnered and has been for over twenty years: together he and his partner raised the partner’s child from the time the child was six years old. His commitment to this child bonded us together, as I was in a heterosexual marriage from the time I was in my late twenties until my wife and I parted ways just before I turned fifty.
My former wife had two children when we met. My ex-wife is eight years older than me. I came into the children’s lives when they were ages ten and three. Even though I am not their biological father, my relationship with them is very solid, even though I am no longer with their mother. I have not told my children I am gay .I intend to but they live out of state and I have not taken the opportunity to do so.
My first two sessions with my dream boat masseuse were typical “happy ending ” massage sessions. I then moved our sessions to two hours and we met almost every Sunday, but we started skipping the massage. W began having naked picnics and other play time activities.
We have extremely similar likes – politics, interests, upbringing — and we enjoy our time together which is always on Sundays. He lives here but works all over the most glamorous cities in Europe.
I should mention he is an actual trained massage therapist. He put himself through grad school. He was raised in the West, 6′ 1” and 200 pounds of solid muscle. Things went perfectly for him as he came out as a college freshman with complete family support. His roommate was doing massage therapy, too, and taught him what he needed to know.
From the very beginning he has brought me lovely thoughtful gifts. The first one was hand made soaps from France, which seemed to be a rather personal gift. I, too, give him gifts. We have become much more than just client and masseur.
Our time together is spent as two lovers would spend their limited time: champagne, Chocolate truffles fresh from Belgium, etc. We communicate daily. The only glitch is that when we spend our time together. I leave him a much discounted fee; I just put it on the table. I have never actually handed him money.
I know he doesn’t have time to see numerous clients because of our constant communication and his very limited time at home. When we are able, we meet for lunches and take turns paying the check.
My issue is I am beginning to resent paying him for being my friend. Sexually we could not be more compatible as we are both very much into body contact and oral. Neither one of us is anal. Except possibly in our personalities. LOL
He is the only man I have any kind of physical relationship with. He is in his forties, and I know he will never leave his partner who is a little older than he. I am not being conceited in anyway but I am much better looking as well as in better shape and more financially secure.
Then his partner and we share interests that they do not. He loves his partner but in the relationship, his partner is definitely the alpha male, even though my “friend” is brilliant and strong.
I know that we will never have more than we do now. Should I just let him go and try to find someone I can build a lasting relationship with? As much emotional pain as this will cause me I feel it might me for the best.
I never in my wildest dreams expected to build a friendship of this kind when I answered his ad. I thought it would be a one time experience to satisfy my curiosity but what a surprise I was in for.
I would be very content to just have an affair, but the catch is his partner only allows him his “clients.” He isn’t allowed to have his own friends. When we do go on our lunch dates, it is always without the partner knowing. Paying for his friendship makes me feel uncomfortable and dirty.
I feel he wouldn’t choose such thoughtful gifts and little surprises if he thought of me as just a “client.” (He always has a present for me when we meet.) Neither would he initiate daily communication. Or am I just fooling myself?
I am confused and now for the first time in my life I know what the ache of loneliness is. If you do have any insight for me it would be greatly appreciated
Just now I received a text message from my “sweet dreams.” I will hear from him again tomorrow, from Kennedy airport on his way to Europe.
Should I just let him go and try to find someone I can build a lasting relationship with? As much emotional pain as this will cause me I feel it might me for the best. Your time is appreciated as any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
(Name withheld)
Loren’s comment:
I hope that you do continue to follow MagneticFire.com, and I think that you might find Finally Out helpful as well.
I think the answers you’re seeking are included in your letter to me. I believe that you probably already know my responses.
You, like most of the men I communicate with and write about, are later in life when you begin to find and understand you same sex attractions. Many times it is as you describe: The dissonance between who you are and who you want to be becomes too powerful to contain any longer.
Many men who have or want to have sex with men are married or label themselves bisexual or even heterosexual. Being “gay” is not an identity they are prepared to assume. Coming out in mid-life is more complex because of all of the networks of relationships you have that are based on an assumed heterosexual identity.
You are in only the very earliest stages of coming out. From you letter, it sounds as if your “sweet dream” is about the only person who knows of your same-sex attractions. Good for you for having admitted it to yourself but it seems that you have not revealed it to anyone else. Distance is not the only reason you haven’t told your children that you are gay?
Bluntly stated, your “sweet dreams” is a male prostitute. We tend to have very negative stereotypes about men and women who work in the sex trade, but I do not want to suggest I am condemning him for his choices. He sounds like a very good man, desired by many men as a companion.
His living comes from making men like you feel good. I have no doubt that he likes you. But he has a spouse and a child and has made a long term commitment to them. They are his primary loving relationships and it is extremely unlikely that you can displace his partner. You said you’d be happy with an “affair.” I doubt it. Having an affair with him would eliminate the shame you feel about paying for his time, but it would not be satisfying for long for you to remain subordinate to his other, primary relationship.
I do not make judgments about men and women who are prostitutes. They are business people in an industry with high demands. They get their payment up front because they know the “value” of their services is diminished immediately after the services are diminished. As your dopamine floods through you before having sex, your anticipation and pleasure is high. Once the sex is over, the shame and guilt can set it. That’s when you begin to feel “uncomfortable and dirty.” It diminishes you to think that the only alternative to being lonely is to pay for a friend.
Giving you gifts is like businesses giving “Harry and David’s” fruit boxes to their best clients during the holiday season. The gifts come with hidden strings attached: more business.
Although your masseuse may care a great deal for you, you will always be a client and he will always be a businessman. He undoubtedly makes a very substantial, tax free living all the while enjoying traveling the world. It is a life that is difficult to give up.
For you, this relationship keeps you bound to a man whom you idealize but will keep you away from the possibility of more enduring relationships.
It also doesn’t expose you to the great diversity within the gay community, something I feel is necessary to be able to shed the guilt and shame most men feel, particularly early in the coming out process. In a sense, you have all of your emotional eggs in sweet dream’s basket!
This man has given you a much greater gift than you realize. He has given you the gift of loving someone in a way you’ve never loved before. Cherish that. He sounds like a wonderful man, but you will always share him with others, his lover and his other clients.
Until you let him go, you will not have the emotional energy available to invest in a more permanent, intimate relationship with a man who is more available to you. In addition, I would recommend that you broaden your circle of gay friends so you have other to support you as you grieve this loss.
First loves are always very special. They teach us about the power of loving, but loving always comes with the possibility of loss.
Thanks for your thought provoking note.
Loren Olson
Older Men and Sexual Performance
I received this comment from “John,” a blog reader.
Dr. Olson, I came across your very interesting site while looking for other peoples’ opinions on cross-generational relationships. Perhaps some of your readers my be interested in my story.
I am 62 and my boyfriend will be 24 next Monday. My own history is that it was only at about 28 that I decided that my feelings about other men were not a passing phase. Even then I didn’t really do much about it (apart from watch the odd porn movie on visits to London and New York – at home in Dublin it was hard to find gay porn in the early 80′s). My first sexual experience with a man came when I was 31, I had plenty of casual sex in my 30s and made plenty of gay friends but only had one relationship that lasted abot 6 months. Unfortunately I fell in love with the guy just as he was falling out of love with me. That was around 1985. Other than that I had only a few flings none of which lasted very long.
By 2005 when I was 56 I had pretty well given up on the idea of ever finding a boyfriend. I knew the fact that I fancied younger guys didn’t help as I was well aware that, while there are young guys who fancy older guys, there are far fewer of them than there are older guys who fancy young guys. Anyway, one day I was trawling the internet dating site Gaydar when I spotted the profile of an 18 year old who was looking for men over 50 with grey hair. Although I wasn’t looking for someone that young – 25 to 40 was my ideal – I thought “what the heck – I’m what he’s looking for” so I sent him a one liner – “Am I grey enough for you?”.
That led to about 6 months of on-line chat during which we became very comfortable with one another. I knew that the real test would be meeting in the flesh. Eventually we arranged to meet on 16 June 2006. He had turned 19 by this time. The meeting should have been a disaster. For me it was preceded by a get together of alumni of a company I used to work for. This turned out to be a very enjoyable event as it was attended by many who had been friends when I worked for the company. I even rang B***** to say I would be 30 minutes late!
When we did meet we had a meal during which I spilled a glass of wine. Later when we went to a gay bar – the first he had been in – I managed to knock over a pint of beer, Despite this inauspicious beginning we continued to meet and gradually fell in love.
All my friends, gay and straight, know about B***** and most have met him. He is very good socially and can happily chat to anyone. Most of his friends know about me and I have met some of them. We have had no problems with acceptance. I think the fact that we are matter of fact about our relationship and in no way defensive is a help.
We have both benefitted in many ways from our relationship. B***** is very attractive and through him I’ve met a lot of people I probably would not otherwise have met. I’ve introduced him to classical music and theatre and to rugby (his main interest is soccer). I was rowing with a gay rowing group. As a result he took up rowing with us and then joined his university boat club. A beneficial side effect has been that the training has made him more muscular than he was which is something I like.
We don’t live together as his family home is near to the university where he is working for a Ph.D. But he spends nearly every weekend with me. We been on holidays together every year since we met and we both competed in rowing in the World Outgames in Copenhagen in 2009. Last year we both went to the Gay Games in Cologne where he competed the 5k and 10 k races and the marathon (there was no rowing event).
We do have sex but sometimes I worry that my performance is inadequate because I find it hard to reach climax. However that doesn’t seem to put him off.
As we approch the 5th anniversary of our first meeting we are very much in love. One day I said to him that if we stay together then, if life follows its natural course, i.e. barring accidents, I would one day cause him great sorrow because I would die long before him. He replied that if my death causes him great sorrow it will be because we’ll have had a great life together! I had no come back to that.
So I think my experience shows that inter-generational relationships can work. An important factor is that we give one another space. It is important to me that he remains in contact with his friends of his own age and does things young guys do. He is happy to let me off with my friends. The important thing is that we end up back together.
Who knows what the future will bring? When Brendan gets hisi Ph D he will probably work abroad for experience so we’ll have to see how we’ll handle that. But for now I’m as happy as I’ve ever been and he seems pretty happy too!
John K
A couple of things come to mind. First, older men do have some sexual changes with age that are quite natural:
- Sexual desire diminishes some.
- Erections can take longer to occur, may require more direct stimulation (touch) and are lost more easily during love making. However (and an important “however”), the can also be regained again during the same episode of love making
- Ejaculatory amount decreases.
- Sexual satisfaction remains about constant.
In other words, although some functions diminish, sexual satisfaction can remain quite high. Much of that is related to the fact that as men grow older, they begin to focus on sexual intimacy in a far greater context than just the ejaculatory event. Touching, cuddling, spooning all become more important and more satisfying.
Often what I hear from young men who are attracted to older men is this: That is precisely what they too enjoy. He simply has maturity about his sexual expression. John, please remove the word “performance” from your thoughts about sexuality. Go to the opera to see a performance. If you worry about your “performance,” you will almost always begin to have more and more difficulty. Sex is about loving and intimacy, not about performing. So, John, when your partner says and erection and ejaculation aren’t necessarily important to him, trust what he is saying. Relax and enjoy it!
My partner is several years younger than me. I always worried about what life would be like for him when I was gone. Then in some inter-generational couples we knew, the younger partner died first, leaving the older man alone.
Your partner has shown a great deal of maturity here as well. Love and risk are inseparable. The only way to avoid the pain of losing someone is to avoid ever committing yourself to another person. For most of us, thata isn’t a very satisfying life.
Thanks again
Loren
It’s Never Too Late
The following is my interview with “Edge on the Net.”
Dr. Loren A. Olson, M.D., had long been married, and was the father of two daughters, when he came out of the closet. That step involved painful readjustments and the facing of intense fears, but it also marked the point at which his life expanded to new levels of joy and personal integrity. Olson hopes his memoir can serve as a how-to for other middle aged closeted men.
Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight tells Olson’s story, but also serves as a summary of legal and social changes that affected GLBTs in recent decades. In a way, the memoir is a one-stop self-help book and reference that provides the newly emergent gay man with needed history and context–and a sense that the older gay man’s coming out need not be a solitary journey.
Dr. Loren Olson met with EDGE at a Boston hotel where Olson was serving as a faculty member for a writing workshop. The interview took place in quiet, private surrounds–a setting conductive to a frank and intense discussion during which Olson was visibly moved as he recounted his story, tearing up several times.
“It’s a hybrid,” Olson said of the book’s multifold character. “I needed to incorporate the fact that I am a psychiatrist, and I have some psychological insights into the process and why it takes some of us so long to figure it out. At the same time, oftentimes the best examples of that sort of thing are [drawn from] your own life, and so it’s not completely a memoir, but there’s enough [autobiographical fact] in there to tell my life story, and I use [my personal history] to illustrate some of the points that were being made.
“There are many parallels between my life and those of other men who, at mid-life, are still trying to figure out their sexual orientation.”
Coming out later in life is not unusual for gay men, especially when they grew up in an era when homosexuality was widely viewed as evil–or, at the very least, a form of mental illness.
“It’s certainly the experience of a lot of other men,” said Olson of his midlife emergence from the closet. “In some ways I wanted to tell the story because a lot of what has happened has worked out very well for me, and part of what I wanted to do was to give men who are in the situation of trying to decide what to do a sense of hope, because many of them don’t have any. I hear from people all over the world who say, ’Doesn’t anyone understand the torment I’m in? How can I get through this time in my life? I have so much that I will be giving up if I come out.’
“I wanted to say to them that it is a tough time, and it is a tough transition, but there is a possibility of a better life on the other side,” Olson continued. “Many of the people who are stuck in that situation didn’t figure out their sexuality early, and they get very depressed. They feel there’s no way out.”
EDGE asked what the typical experience (if there is such a thing) is for men who come out in midlife. Is coming out triggered by a sudden thing, like falling in love with another man? Or does it tend to be more gradual–a sense that builds of dissatisfaction or not being complete, or heterosexual life as being wrong for that individual?
“I think it’s both,” Olson said thoughtfully. “Certainly, in my case, I fell in love with someone–I was married, he was married. What I had half-expected was… not really a hookup, but to have a relationship to satisfy those same-sex attractions, but we’d both go on living our own married lives.
“I think, though, that there is a terrible sense of discontent when you feel you are living one life but you should be living another one,” Olson continued. “It creates a lot of anxiety and depression and a sense of hopelessness. Many of the men I talk about may have come out after their spouse died, or following other events that finally gave them the freedom to actualize their lives in ways that they wanted to.”
But not all closeted gay men manage to escape from the closet.
“There are a lot of men who feel that they would be sacrificing too much,” Olson told EDGE. “We tend to magnify the losses and to minimize the gains in that situation. If you don’t know what it is, or what it can be, to come out, it’s easy to just stay sort of stuck.
“May of the men I know are very attached to their wives and their families,” Olson continued. “They have lived heterosexual lives with many attachments and networks that are all heterosexually based, and frankly there’s a heterosexual advantage to living that life, and they didn’t want to give that up.
“When I was married and just beginning to explore [my true sexuality], I thought: ’What do men do when they have sex? How does that all happen?’ Many of these men are exposed to the worst things about same-sex environments. They have clandestine sex in public venues, and it’s sleazy and dirty and everything else. In many ways, that’s the image they have of what it’s life to be gay.
“Or on the other hand, they see the most flamboyant gay people and think that’s what it is.” As a result, Olson said, “There’s a real reluctance on the part of those man to identify as gay. They are often offended if you say that they are gay. They mightrisk saying they are bisexual. A lot times they’ll say, ’I’m bi-curious,’ or exploring.
“I, when I was going through it, had in my head these images of the stereotypical gay man, and I knew I wasn’t that person. How do you reconcile that if you’ve never met anyone who is different from that? Taking steps into the gay community and finding out that it’s not always that way helps get rid of the stereotype in your head.”
To continue reading the interview, click here.
Concealing Sexual Orientation is Like an Abscess
I originally wrote this article for and it was posted on PsychCentral.
I once had an abscessed tooth, and in the absence of a dentist, I considered pulling it myself to end the intense pain. Secrets are like abscesses. They hurt when we touch them but we can’t stop touching them. When a secret is at the center of our integrity it produces excruciating pain. We long for the momentary intense pain that comes with releasing the pressure.
Each of us seeks to maintain a sense of internal integrity, while still making a positive impression on others. We are driven by a fear of being discredited. Sometimes that means keeping secrets, especially when the concealed information is sensitive. Concealment of sexual orientation requires considerable effort, constant vigilance, and behavioral self-editing. Although there is a wish to disclose the secret, the need to make a favorable impression on others often overpowers the need to disclose.
Coming out is a process of initiating forgiveness for what we or others may see as a serious mistake. Initiating forgiveness is associated with higher stress at all ages, but it is particularly complex for the mature man who has been living a heterosexual life. In the research for my book Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, I found that for mature men who have sex with men (MSM), initiating forgiveness creates one of the biggest barriers to their coming out. MSM have intense stress that may worsen their physical health and lead to depression, substance abuse and suicide. MSM may or may not feel guilty about their sexual behaviors, but most are tormented by the potential consequences of revealing their lies and deception.
Evidence exists of increased rates of diagnosable psychiatric disorders and substance abuse in the LGBT community. There is also an alarming rate of suicide, and rates of suicide are underreported. Suicide is one of the three leading causes of death for adolescents. Gay adolescents are four times more likely to commit suicide than their heterosexual peers, a major public health crisis. Prevention programs tend to focus on suicide among teenagers, but in 2007, the suicide rate among middle-aged Americans reached its highest rate in 25 years.
Population-based studies of suicide in the LGBT community are virtually nonexistent. In research of suicide, middle age is overlooked and mature MSM are invisible. The possibility that sexual confusion and conflict about sexual identity might be a contributing factor to suicide in middle age LGBT people is rarely, if ever, considered. Even within the gay community, the subject of gay suicide is taboo because of a fear that talking about suicide will undermine efforts to combat the idea that homosexuality is a form of pathology. Many of the suicides in the gay community – regardless of age — occur while contemplating the public disclosure of sexual orientation and gender identity issues.
Psychiatrists cannot predict who will commit suicide, but there are established criteria used to assess risks. Risks include being male, being depressed and lonely, and abusing drugs and alcohol.
Risk factors for suicide that may be higher in gay men include:
- Depression and anxiety
- History of alcohol and substance abuse
- Loss or failure to meet expectations
- Feelings of hopelessness and isolation
- Lack of social and spiritual support
- Unwillingness to access treatment
- Unresolved sexual identity issues heighten anxiety, loneliness, and isolation, and create a fear that life is not going to turn out as planned. Few resources are available for the LGBT community in midlife. The mature man may no longer have parents as a source of support, and early signs of medical problems may accelerate fears of aging. Because of a fear of exposing his secret, MSM frequently resist seeking help.
We live our older years in much the same way as we lived our younger years. Prior life experiences such as education, occupations, and social class influence how people experience their declining years. We all prefer to be a part of a community that accepts and supports us, but for some, isolation makes that very difficult. Those who are isolated may have as much as 65 percent more depressive symptoms. MSM fear rejection by the heterosexual community they’ve been a part of, and they may not feel welcome in the gay community they have experienced in only very limited ways.
When one is part of a stigmatized minority, being in the presence of others like them has a positive effect on self-esteem. Becoming part of a community where you don’t have to always censor your speech or edit your behavior is remarkably liberating. It creates a feeling of finally coming home. Within a network of friends and “family of choice,” the sexual orientation of their companions is less important to gay members than the freedom to be open about their sexual orientation. But the LGBT community will not seek out a mature man who finally chooses to come out. Finding that community will be up to him.
Concealment of sexual orientation requires effort, vigilance, and self-editing of behavior. Although MSM wish to disclose their secret, the need to make a favorable impression on others blinds them to the relief that comes with disclosure. Concealing a secret life is intensely painful, but just like lancing an abscess, MSM long for that relief