Archive for June, 2011
Excerpt from “Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight”
An excerpt from psychiatrist Loren A. Olson’s memoir on coming out as an adult, Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight.
Reprinted from “The Good Men Project”
“Why would a forty-year-old man come out, anyhow? He’s too old to have sex.” I was speaking to someone at the Services and Advocacy for LGBT Elders (SAGE) office in New York City where I had gone to discuss my book. She said that one of their young male staffers had asked that question during a discussion of older LGBT who are just coming out. The young staffer was unaware of three things:
- 1. Forty is the infancy of old age.
- 2. Men and women have sex well into late life.
- 3. Being gay is about far more than just having sex.
Through the years, I have often told my patients, “All of life’s most important decisions are made without enough information.” As I have reflected on the two questions I’m often asked—“How could you not know you were gay?” and “Wasn’t your marriage just a sham to protect yourself?”—I can say confidently that my marriage was not a sham. I did not use my wife and children as a shield from the possible consequences of my being gay. I loved her as much as I was capable—just not enough for either of us. I simply didn’t have all the information I needed to make a different decision. I do not regret my marriage or my children; my only regret is the pain my being gay has caused them. I do not wish I had done it all differently, nor could I have done it differently. Many aspects of the heterosexual life I left behind brought me great joy.
Those of us who enter midlife before coming out have only begun to confront the cognitive complexities of paradox, ambiguity, and uncertainty in our lives. We discover the world is no longer black and white as we once believed. Mortality becomes personal as we experience the liver spots and erectile changes. By midlife we have discovered that loving someone and bereavement are two sides of the same coin. Social status and religious support may be threatened while we seek the emotional freedom and release of coming out. The depths of sexual intimacy may appear elusive. A man who comes out in midlife or beyond must tack his ship in heavy winds and high seas, sailing from port to port as he off-loads the heavy baggage of the straight world he lived in.
Loving someone and bereavement are two sides of the same coin.
Justin Spring, in his book about the life of Samuel Steward, wrote:
Each generation of writers reinvents its perception of sexuality through novels, poetry, and autobiographical writing, and in the process rebels against the perceptions and experiences of the generation before. For male homosexuals in the twentieth-century United States, these shifts in perception have up to now been largely described merely as “pre-Stonewall” and “post-Stonewall.” But clearly there have been other equally significant generational breaks between pre–World War II and post–World War II; pre-Kinsey and post-Kinsey; pre-McCarthy and post-McCarthy; pre-AIDS and post-AIDS; and, most recently, pre-Internet and post-Internet.
At sixty-seven years of age I have lived through all of that and more. I would add to Spring’s list pre-DNA and post-DNA and pre-brain-imagining and post-brain-imaging. We now know that DNA and the human genome function as a GPS that guides development in universal ways from the point of conception until our return to dust. On a global level, our brains are all alike, and yet the intricate networks that develop in our brains make us all unique. Little by little scientists uncover secrets about our brains, and more will be revealed as the study of the brain dominates science in the twenty-first century. But will they answer the question, “Why do some stars shine brighter when I see an attractive man and not as brightly when I see an equally attractive woman?”
Life cannot be defined by genetic codes, neurotransmitter substances, or hormones. We do not connect with the entirety of humanity on a purely biological level. Pre-Freud and post-Freud might also be added to Spring’s list. Sigmund Freud was an extremely good biologist, but the embryonic nature of biology constrained his exploration of the mind.
To read the rest of the excerpt, click here.
The Gay Codes of Relgion
The following article is contributed by Martin H.S. Millette, Ph.D., former minister of religion and Christian Education.
The “Black Codes” of 1866; the “Gay Codes” of religion, and December 22, 2010.
By: Martin H.S. Millette, Ph.D.
More than 233 years ago, the United States discharged it’s first gay soldier from the military.
In 1778, the Continental Army discharged Lieutenant Gotthold Frederick Enslin, the first gay solider at the time of the Revolutionary War to be sent home. After the Civil War ended in 1865, the Southern states were determined to undermine the 13th Amendment by implementing its very own “Black Codes” in 1866, for the purpose of limiting the rights of Afro-Americans and, making them second-class citizens, as well.
Fast forward a couple of hundred years and change. On February 2, 2010 the media reported that Admiral Mike Mullen, Chairman of the US Joint Chiefs of Staff, stated unequivocally that the DADT should end. As Capitol Hill was reeling from the recommendation from one of the highest ranking officers in the military, the rest of the country started to accept that this was the beginning of the progressive evolution for gays in the military.
“No matter how I look at this issue, I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens,” said the Admiral.
When the policy was first enacted in 1993, this was the best that politicians and the military had to offer in terms of dealing with the issue. However, as time progressed, the policy of DADT would become an outdated code of practice.
Sixty-five thousand gays serve their country in the military, and when this unconstitutional policy became law, more than fourteen thousand were unjustly discharged from service. By mid October of 2010, the President, the Pentagon and the majority of the American public were against this policy, which was considered by many to be unconstitutional. On December 22nd, by the swipe of President Barack Obama’s pen, the policy was repealed. This was hailed as a seismic shift for gay rights.
From that momentous historical date, the U.S. military was no longer closed to one particular group in the armed forces. Three out of four Americans favor an open military, and according to public polls, America’s attitude has changed about gays serving openly in the military. Although this was a progressive approach about gays, we still have a long way to go before the gay community is no longer recognized as second class citizens like the “Black Codes” of the south.
Maybe America modeled policy after the small nation of Israel, with gays in the Israeli military. But things weren’t always like that in Israel’s army. In the 1980s if a Jew was gay he/she was sent to see a psychiatrist. This changed in 1993, but because of America’s Puritan ideals and the influence of religion, many gays are denied their civil rights; as religion continues to promulgate its “Gay Codes” and when it comes to the act of marriage.
The new philosophy of Certainism strongly supports gay marriages, and also believes that gays shouldn’t suffer because of their random genetics. I believe that the United States should follow Argentina’s example. On July 20th, 2010, the republic of Argentina became the first country in Latin America to sanction gay marriages.
Social reform is a must in the United Sates, religion continues to demonized and stigmatized gays. Our lives must never be a play out of the variations of a Draconian Puritan society that seeks to instigate an oppressive culture which places taboos on homosexuals. We live in a repressive society where religion endeavors to control the masses, but no single religious institution can be so absurd as to claim that its denomination alone holds the absolute truth. To make such an incoherent statement is to display the highest level of folly and conceitedness. This, in fact, is having an overweening self-esteem for one’s religious institution and its dogmatic tenets.
It’s unconstitutional and silly when Congress makes laws that are based primarily on the teachings of religion. There must be social reform about the Defense of Marriage Act of 1996, which defines marriage as a legal union between one man and one woman. This definition, however, is based on Daniel Webster’s bias definition of the word marriage; the word marriage appears nineteen times in the Bible. The word first appears in the Book of Exodus 21:10, and ends in the Book of Revelation 19:9, but, there’s no clear definition of the word, marriage.
Why’s that? The definition of the word came about when Daniel Webster, who was very religious, gave his opinion of the word; therefore, the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional like the “Black Codes” of 1866, and DADT compromise of 1993. Certainism has given birth to the new Age of Reason that’s relevant for the masses in the 21st century, and Congress must redefine the meaning of the noun marriage, since all men are created equal, and are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
About:
Martin H.S. Millette, Ph.D. has a doctorate in Christian Education; he’s a former minister who has taught philosophy, theology, and history for over two decades in the ecclesiastical polity. He reads three ancient languages: Hebrew, Greek, and Latin. He is author of the book Stormy Whether (www.martinmillette.com).
An Online Oasis for the Middle Eastern LGBT Community
Anna Peirano explores Ahwaa.org — a safe haven for the Middle Eastern LGBT community. To read the complete article click the link below.
An Online Oasis
By Anna Peirano
Throughout the Middle East, the LGBT community faces intolerance and violence in a society steeped in traditional values and rigorous religious customs. However, with each new generation, progress is being made towards equality and acceptance. A new website, www.Ahwaa.org, launched by Bahraini activist Esra’a Al Shafei, is such an evolution. Ahwaa means “passions” in Arabic and the site provides a social networking platform where LGBT people can find their voice and support from others.
Recent discussion topics include the guilt that comes with “living a lie,” “rape as a cure for lesbians,” and “I’m Muslim and I don’t want to have sex until I get married, but the country I live in doesn’t recognize same-sex marriage.” To make the site accessible to an international audience, all content can be viewed in both Arabic and English.
To read the remainder of this article, click here.
Movie Review: “Beginners”
New York Times review of new film “Beginners.”
When Life Throws Those Curveballs
by Dennis Lim
“Beginners” is the story of two fresh starts. At the age of 75 the newly widowed Hal (Christopher Plummer) comes out as a gay man and leads an active life fully embracing his new identity, before dying of cancer five years later. After Hal’s death his son, Oliver (Ewan McGregor), mourns his father and keeps his example in mind while negotiating his own romantic anxieties. The film draws on Mr. Mills’s relationship with his father, which changed dramatically after the older man came out. “My gay dad was way more engaged, talking to me about my love life, confronting me about little rackets I was running with myself,” he said. “He was way more open about his desires and ups and downs. We had all these conversations that we never had when he was straight and then — oops — he’s gone.”
Mr. Mills (not to be confused with the R.E.M. bassist) saw “Beginners” as a way both to continue these conversations and to come to grips with what he called “a founding paradox of my life,” his parents’ decision to get married, even though they both knew the elder Mr. Mills was gay. At the same time, he added, “I could hear my dad’s voice saying, ‘Don’t just make this for yourself.’ ”
He recalled his father, Paul, talking one night about living through the Depression and World War II and describing the conservative climate of postwar America. In a line that made its way into “Beginners,” he told his son, “Your mother took off her Jewish badge, and I took off my gay badge, and we got married.”
“That was a lightning-bolt moment,” Mr. Mills, 45, said. “There’s so much historical consciousness in that weird sentence.”
To see the rest of the review, click here.
When Religion and Sexuality Clash
This article appeared in the New York Times recently. To read the entire article, click on the link below.
Living the Good Lie
by Mimi Swartz
Denis Flanigan isn’t hiding anything. A 42-year-old psychotherapist in Houston, he has a straightforward manner that meshes nicely with his no-nonsense buzz cut and neatly clipped goatee. Unlike many mental-health professionals, Flanigan puts personal items on display in his office, including a photo of his partner, who is attractive, and male. For his patients’ amusement he has on hand an S-and-M Barbie as well as a Tickle Me Freud doll. (“It’s so, so . . . wrong,” Flanigan told me, in a tone that signaled he believed it was exactly right.) Flanigan’s no-secrets policy extends to his Web site, where he writes that he “has frequently been asked to speak on the gay and lesbian experience and mental health, transgender concerns and body-modification issues.” A member of the American Psychological Association, Flanigan has also served as Mr. Prime Choice Texas, winning a contest “designed for men 40 years or older who represent the masculine aesthetic embraced by the leather/Levi/uniform/fetish community.” In his own words, he identifies as a “militant homosexual.”
So it comes as a bit of a surprise to learn that when potential clients come to Flanigan’s office to discuss their sexual orientation — in particular whether they should reveal their homosexuality to friends, family or employers — his first response is to ask, in a neutral tone, “Why do you want to do that?” Flanigan has a 20-year history of gay activism behind him, so you might expect that his primary goal would be to help gay clients discover and cultivate their most authentic selves. As Jonathan Ned Katz wrote in “Gay American History” in 1976, “Therapists who do not help their homosexual patients to fully explore the possibility of homosexuality as a legitimate option have not helped to expand those individuals’ freedom.”
Flanigan doesn’t disagree with Katz. “I’m a very strong believer in people’s rights,” he said one gray morning at a Starbucks in Houston. But during his early training, he encountered a few clients who either would not come out of the closet or suffered mightily when they did. Christians of the kind who earnestly believed that the Bible deplored homosexuality were particularly troubled as they tried to reconcile their faith with their sexual orientation. The more Flanigan studied this conundrum, the more he came to see it as intractable. Some gay evangelicals truly believe that to follow their sexual orientation means abandonment by a church that provides them with emotional and social sustenance — not to mention eternal damnation. Keeping their sexual orientation a secret, however, means giving up any opportunity to have fulfilling relationships as gay men and women.
“When these clash, what do you do?”
To read the rest of the article, click here.
Why Do Men Put their Penises on the Internet?
I received this comment from Phil Atio in response to a blog post. I think it is relevant enough to post on the blog.
Infidelity is not only among same sex relationships and that the rules of infidelity are the same for every one, straight or gay.
I like the philosophy generated in comedy Margaret Cho once explained in one of her gigs: (paraphrased) “The difference between gay men and lesbians is when lesbians are talking with someone, they remain focused attentively to the conversation with their eyes glued to the talker, while gay men are constantly averting their eyes away fron their interlocutor to scan the room in search for eye candy.
I once heard a guest talking about sexual behaviors on the Diane Rehm Show on the National Public Radio (NPR). She expounded on sexual behaviors and she revealed a university study claiming that the majority of men think of sex an average of 275 times a day while women think of it only 12 times a day. Furthermore, women’s thoughts are romance oriented while men are right to the climaxing end of sex.
In my circle of straight friends and co-workers, just “guys” out for lunch or cocktails, and a curvy young female walks in or a flock of girls are sitting together at a nearby table, everytime those men who are long-time married are compelled to share out their carnal fantasies. Likely, gay men salivate the same way over hunks as straights do.
Last year, Bill Maher once clowned about same sex marriage. He joshed that most of his male friends of long-married tenure are all complaining about same sex marriages. One said: “What’s the big deal about that controversy over same sex marriage. I have been married for 22 years and I am getting the same sex all the time!”
My question is why do men so strongly feel the urge to step out of steady and solid relationships ? Why can’t we keep it to just “window shopping” instead of “sampling the goods”?
Phil Atio
Loren’s Response:
I can’t speak with any expertise to the relevant differences between the sexes other than to say I have heard similar things. (And don’t you just love the Diane Rehm show on NPR?)
The best answer I have about why men (and women) step outside of their primary relationships is related to dopamine, a neuro-chemical sometimes called the “pleasure molecule. Sex, alcohol, drugs and gambling all involve the secretion of dopamine.
Although we prefer to believe that as humans we are on a higher plane than the animal kingdom, we retain some of the elements of primitive kinds of thinking. We believe that we can always act with the rational aspects of our brain, when in fact, much of our thinking takes place outside of our consciousness.
Dopamine is secreted in anticipation of pleasure, not during the pleasurable experience itself. That’s why we have trouble leaving a casino after losing the twenty dollars we had decided was our maximum. In fact, it is the explanation for why we cannot tickle ourselves: There is no anticipation. So the longer the build-up of dopamine, the more the pleasure is enhanced. Consequently, all of senses feed into this: visual, auditory, touch and olfactory.
Casinos may never have heard of dopamine, but they do know what to do to simulate its secretion. Think about the sensory over-load that plays into it. Flashing lights, music, drinks. All the things present in a good gay bars.
I believe that men are more responsive than women related to visual stimulation. Gay men talk about penis size to the same degree heterosexual men talk about breast size.
It is easy to make a commitment to the values of monogamy when dopamine isn’t flooding the brain. When in a place where there are few external controls to behavior, and dopamine is secreted in massive doses by the attention of another hot man, it is very difficult to think clearly and remember that rational commitment. Throw in a little alcohol that not only enhances dopamine secretion but also clouds judgment, and commitment to values of monogamy begin to fade.
All of us are different in terms of our values. Some are less committed to monogamy than others. Some are more inclined to put themselves in situations where restraint is released.
So why do men post pictures of their penises on the Internet? It’s about the dopamine, the chase. Heightened conversations about sex release that powerful, pleasure hormone. Carried on long enough, it begins to result in some loss of control over rational thought and men and women do things that are outside their value system. They begin to do things like send naked pictures of themselves. \
Because the adolescent brain is less developed and the connections to the brain that exert control aren’t fully integrated. They don’t have the capacity for making adult judgments. They react impulsively and unfortuntely post pictures of themselves that may impact them the rest of their lives.
Men who come out later in their lives are often sill adolescents in their sexual development.
The Complexities of Coming Out in a Straight Relationship
Here is an excerpt of a web exclusive I wrote for Social Work Today:
Infidelity and Forgiveness: The Complexities of Coming Out in a Straight Relationship
By Loren A. Olson, MD, DLFAPA
All relationships have rules, but sometimes those rules get broken. When we are in a relationship, we expect that our partner will keep our interests in mind even if he or she is tempted to disregard the rules. When the rules are violated, the wrongdoer may be called on to account for his or her behavior. Sexual infidelity is the epitome of “rule breaking” and can disrupt or end meaningful relationships.
I know something about breaking rules because I was married with two children when I unexpectedly fell in love with a man. Things suddenly shifted inside my head, and I went from thinking I was straight to knowing I was gay; nothing else could explain what I felt.
By most measures, my marriage was good. My wife and I were best friends and had an acceptable sex life. Shortly before I came out to my wife, she had no idea about my conflict concerning my sexual orientation.
Research on gay men has frequently focused on fidelity and the capacity to sustain long-term relationships. Yet almost nothing has been written about men who have sex with men (MSM). These men believe they are too straight to be gay, but others see them as too gay to be straight. Many of them are married.
To read the rest of the article, click here.
Are All Bisexuals Attracted Equally to Men and Women?
Here is a message I received from Ron Suresha on the subject of Bisexuality. He has agreed to allowing me to publish his comment and my response to him.
Dear Dr Olson,
I’ve enjoyed reading your thoughtful responses to questions about sexuality and sexual orientation on Magnetic Fire, and I congratulate you having a fine website.
I’m writing to express my concern about the accuracy of the assertion that a person must love both sexes equally to be defined as bisexual.
Many of these men may define themselves as heterosexual and have sex with both men and women while others define themselves as heterosexual but have sex exclusively with men. The word “Bisexual” is sometimes used as a label for these men, but the most accurate definition of a bisexual is someone who is sexually attracted equally or nearly equally to both men and women.
This statement makes me question what scale is used to define “equally” or “nearly equally.” How do you measure this objectively? Am I defined accurately as bisexual only if I have one ejaculation with a woman for every ejaculation I have with a man? This definition of bisexuality excludes significant groups of other persons that most bisexuality experts, such as myself, would consider bi.
Actually, men with a wide range of orientations and behaviors can be considered objectively bisexual regardless of their self-identification. It’s part of the messy reality of bisexuality.
Bisexual men are not just straight-identified married men who have surreptitious sex with other men. They are single men with steady girlfriends who occasionally invite an extra male to their bed. They are divorced men with kids and grandkids who then partner with another man, yet remain somewhat attracted to females. They are transgender persons and the partners of transgender persons. They are men in polyamorous relationships of two or more sexes.
And they are men like myself, married to a man for seven years now, with a strong preference and orientation toward guys, but an active, enjoyable, lifelong sexual attraction to women.
I think that you would benefit from examining Bi Men: Coming Out, which was a finalist for the Lambda Literary Awards. The variety of bisexuality represented in these true coming-out stories will expand your understanding of what it means to be a bi man.
Best wishes,
Ron Suresha
Loren’s Response:
Ron,
This has been brought to my attention before, and frankly, I don’t remember where I wrote that statement.
The label of bisexual — as well as all labels, but especially this one — are quite confusing and limiting. A great deal depends upon if you’re speaking of attraction, behavior or self-identity. Labels also evolve over time for some of us. I was heterosexual, briefly thought of myself as bisexual and now consider myself gay.
I prefer to use labels in relationships to attraction rather than behavior or self identity. In your case, you speak of being attracted to both sexes. I have no problem considering that bisexual.
But sexual orientation is far more complex that just heterosexuals and non-heterosexuals, or gay, straight, bi and transexual.
A recent report by the Institute of Medicine had a very thoughtful approach to the topic. They addressed that each population is composed of sub-populations and that is a concept that works well for me.
The problems come in trying to do research on the subject. If someone wishes to study bisexuality, they will have to define it in their study, apply that label, do the research and then draw conclusions that can be generalized to the larger community. BUT those generalizations can ONLY apply to the sub-population that is defined as the defined it in the study.
Your community is composed of men with a primary sexual attraction to men but also with a strong attraction to women. That is much different than a married man who can only allow himself to consider himself bisexual because the label of “gay” is too threatening; there is a VERY large group of men in that category. But there are also many other sub-populations as well.
Here is something I copied from ReligiousTolerance.org
Bisexuality, in terms of feelings of sexual attraction:
To many gays, lesbians, bisexuals, physicians, psychologists, psychiatrists, human sexuality researchers, religious liberals, and some others, the term “sexual orientation” normally defines which gender(s) an individual is sexually attracted to:
- A heterosexual is attracted to persons of the opposite gender only;
- A homosexual, to the same gender;
- A bisexual to both genders, although not necessarily to the same degree.
They believe that all three sexual orientations are normal and natural for at least a minority of the population. An adult’s orientation is not consciously chosen. It is not changeable through prayer, therapy, surgical intervention, etc.
Bisexuality describes how people feel, not necessarily how they act:
- A person can feel attractions to both men and women, decide to remain celibate, and still be considered a bisexual by themselves and others.
- A bisexual might make a conscious decision to confine their sexual activity to person(s) of one gender and still be considered a bisexual by themselves and others.
Ron, In addressing your concern, what I should have done was said the source of my definition and said there is no universal agreement.
Loren
Become a contributor to MagneticFire
Since its inception, “MagneticFire” has reached mature gay, bisexual and questioning men throughout the world. Many have found it their only source for solid information about what it’s like to be an older man who is attracted to other men. It has also been a resource for friends, family and other supportive individuals.
I would like to move the sight up a level so that it is no longer just a personal blog, but a blog for and by older men.
If you like to write and would like to become a regular contributor, I’m looking for you.
In addition to writing well, new contributors must be committed to the mission of Magnetic Fire: To provide good information to the community of mature men who are sexually attracted to other men.
To become a contributor, I would like the following information:
- 2-3 samples of your writing
- The topics you would like to write about
- Where you live and your age
- A brief (publishable) biographical sketch
You can remain anonymous to the audience by using a pseudonym but because of liability issues, I would need to know your identity.
I appreciate your following the blog and I look forward to hearing from you.
Loren Olson