Archive for August, 2011
Are Promiscuous Gay Men Capable of Commitment?
I received this note from someone who’s asking for readers to comment:
Dear Dr. Olson,
Thank you very much for the opportunity to contact you. I have read much of your blog and I find it quite interesting, informative and helpful.
I was married for over 30 years, have two children and six grandchildren. I have known I was gay since I was 10 or 12 years old. I was raised on a cattle ranch where I was surrounded by red neck men, including my father. I did not consider it possible to come out so I married.
I had no homosexual experiences until the last ten years of my marriage, and then only anonymously at roadside parks. I divorced my wife who did not know I was gay — and she still doesn’t. She wanted to live alone. I am now out to my children and my parents are dead.
In 2009 I moved about 800 miles away from the area where I had lived for 20 years. I wanted to begin life anew as a gay man. I was attracted to younger men and most of my dating and sexual experience was with men 20 years younger than me. I “met” most of my new friends on the website Silverdaddies and had only casual relationships, dating five or six men on an on-going basis.
I was happy and fulfilled as a gay man, dating some really fine young men. In 2010, I was contacted by a younger man who lived on the west coast. He is a professional man, and I am retired. We found that we had many mutual interests. He likes older men who are heavy set and have white hair. I am 66 but I am still very active, have no health problems, enjoy biking, hiking, etc.
He invited me to visit him. We were immediately attracted to one another. We continued our correspondence via email and “cammed” each other every night for three months. During that time, he also came to my home twice and I visited him twice more. We had a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship, in which we were both versatile and oral. We had great times socially as well as sexually.
We’re both financially independent. He was born and raised in the east, but he took a job out west to escape telling his family he is gay; they still do not know. He is also not out at work. He told me that he had three relationships during his lifetime. The first was with a married man who was 30 years his senior. The relationship ended when the man’s wife discovered their affair and divorced him.
There followed five years when my partner was extremely sexually active. He estimates that he had sex with hundreds of men but established no long term relationships. He was in his 30s and they were all 50-70. He enjoyed making sex video tapes of these encounters and still has dozens and dozens of tapes.
His second relationship was also with a man who was 30 years his senior. They lived together but had a very open relationship. The partner was very successful. They seemed to have gotten along well until the older man fell in love with another younger man and left my partner to become monogamous. During their relationship, they both continued to date and had many dozens of partners. They were together several years.
After that relationship ended, my partner continued anonymous sexual encounters again with many dozens of partners. He traveled extensively with his job, and with the advent of websites, he was able to arrange multiple casual sex hookups. He met a man in a gay bar on a business trip. They were both concerned about AIDS and decided that they would try a monogamous relationship.
At first, my partner told me that he was faithful to his partner, but I learned from others that it wasn’t true. He has since admitted to me that he was unfaithful many, many times to his partner but that his partner was faithful to him. He carried out many computer correspondences with other men during that time. He saved them all and still has them.
After the death of his partner, my partner again began his pattern of meeting men on business trips, and meeting men for sex. He does not seem to have formed any long term relationships during that time. In addition, he became active in several S&M groups. He played the role of master and had several slaves, both in town and across the country. He would bring them to his apartment. He seems to have met only five or six times at the most with any of them.
We met in 2010. He told me about all of the long-term partners I have mentioned, but not about the hundreds of casual and anonymous sex partners he has had. He also did not tell me about his involvement in S&M. We decided to have a trial relationship during the summer of 2010. I kept my condo, but moved to California to live with him.
During our trial relationship, my partner was loving, attentive, showered me with gifts, took me on several vacations and exhibited no signs of interest in S&M — not one word. I only began to learn of his past from his friends and also S&M toys I found hidden in various places in his home. I finally confronted him about all of that and he told me that he really loved me and was finished with all of it.
We were both tested for AIDS and were negative. He continued to have paid memberships in about a dozen older/younger, S&M and Slave websites but he showed me that he had become inactive on all of them. He was able to look at profiles and pictures on all of the sites but he was not able to contact any of these men nor were they able to contact him. He says that he looks at the pictures and videos because they are sexually stimulating to him and it helps him maintain his libido.
I love him very much. We are still equals in every way, sexually and in day to day life. We have given each other power of attorney, have put each other on our bank accounts, and we talk over and make decisions jointly. I have found absolutely not indication that he has been unfaithful to me.
We have given each other the passwords to our email accounts and while I am not active on any websites and don’t feel the need to be, he continues although he has given me the password so that I can verify his activity at any time. He is still very attentive, loving and kind in every way.
Still, I cannot get past the fact that he didn’t tell me about his incredible promiscuity before I found out on my own and confronted him. I also find myself resenting him looking at the photos and videos. He tells me that it is normal behavior for gay men and I know that most of his friends also spends large amounts of time of these websites.
About once every other month, I find myself going into some kind of jealous rage over a picture or video or something I find. He always talks me down, reassures me that he is now older and is not interested in actively pursuing those affairs/things, and that he loves me and is interested only in me. He still travels a great deal but without fail, he calls me several times a day and talks for long periods of time in the evening.
He will soon retire and will no longer travel. We have a great sex life, enjoying versatility at least four or five times a week. He is a great cuddler in and out of bed. He says that our sex life is more than enough for him and it is for me as well. I had no issues with jealousy in my marriage but my wife never gave me anything to worry about.
I don’t understand why I can’t get past it now. I don’t want to lose him because of my jealousy but I can’t seem to forget about his past. Are the websites and interest in photos and websites normal for all gay men? What do you suggest? With many thanks!!!
(Name withheld)
Loren’s Comment:
I have sent my own comments directly to the writer, but I welcome you to all comment.
Where to find a man when you’re gay, old and fat?
Where does a chubby, older gay man go to find a relationship with a younger man? My answer would have been Palm Springs and Fort Lauderdale. Another reader has a different idea.
The following is part of his comment that was posted on Magnetic Fire in an earlier discussion of relationships of older and younger men:
“I heartily suggest that men who are interested in a younger crowd of gay guys start looking in either Latin America or Asia. I can promise you that you will be amazed at the numbers and quality of the guys available. There seems to be as a part of both cultures more of a reverence for the older man in society as well as far less of an issue of being with an older man.
“You will, maybe for the first time in your life, be considered “hot” and it matters not the amount of hair you have, your weight or your looks. It is an experience not to be missed.
“You will have so many choices of young guys to pick from, and you will find it hard to settle down with one guy.”
I asked a friend of mine, Diego C., to comment on the post. He is a younger man from Argentina and he has an older partner from the U. S. Here is his response:
Hello Loren,
I read the comment and I am not all that sure that what’s said there is completely true.
What’s the difference between a young American and a young Argentinian, or a young Chilean, or any other Latin man? Like we all know, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and there are as many beholders as people. So who can really say who is cute and who is not?
There is the obvious standardized image of beauty in young, trim people. But I don’t buy that. I don’t want to get too philosophical, because it won’t lead anywhere, but I’d rather mention some facts that may have lead to the commenter’s opinion.
I live in Argentina, and I don’t really see younger/older relationships more acceptable than they are in the United States, no matter if it’s a gay or straight relationship. People tend to think that the younger just goes after the older because of their money. It may be true in some cases, but it is also true that there are people who like older guys, just like there are older guys who like younger people.
In Argentina, one of the most progressive countries in Latin America, people don’t really accept such relationships. What’s more, our culture is more intrusive than American culture. For example, everyone wants to know about your private life. That makes it even harder to have a relationship that is not very well accepted.
It’s harder to hide things here, which leads older people (mainly gays) to hide from the world. I don’t think that is as much of an issue in the U. S. In Argentina (and other countries in South America), we don’t find older people “available” or willing to have a serious relationship. We may find some who are willing to have fun a couple of times, but that’s about it, because they don’t want to be discovered. They don’t even want people to suspect anything about them.
In Argentina, there is a “shortage” of older guys, and since they are hard to find, we look on the internet, often finding our “supply” abroad. As you can see, this is very much comparable to any kind of market.
Not too many older people use the internet in Argentina (or other Latin American countries). Those of us who look for friends online usually only find them in more “technologically advanced” societies, such as those in the North American and Western European countries.
It’s quite simple: go to any gay website (or even straight) and do a search for people over fifty years old in Latin American countries. Then do the same search in North American and/or Western European countries. The HUGE difference in the number of hits is a clear proof of what I’m saying. There is evidently much more “supply” in North American and Western European countries.
If you look at it from the point of view of an older American, you find more “demand” in the Latin American or Asian countries. So, this an example of the supply and demand, where advertising (online profiles) plays a big role.
Same thing happens with chubs. As you may know, the percentage of overweight population in the U.S., Canada and Western European countries is much higher than in so-called third world countries. That’s why so many chubby men from North America and Western Europe tend find more admirers in these other countries.
Oh, some say we’re more passionate, and that may be true. It’s probably because of the kind of society. Unfortunately, things are changing, but in Argentina, it is still more important what we have in our hearts and minds than what we have in our pockets.
That’s my point of view. I may be completely wrong since I am not in the gay scene at all, and I don’t talk much about it.
Big hugs,
Diego
Report: Bisexual Men Do Exist
No Surprise for Bisexual Men: Report Indicates They Exist
By DAVID TULLER
Originally Published: August 22, 2011 in th e New York Times
In an unusual scientific about-face, researchers at Northwestern University have found evidence that at least some men who identify themselves as bisexual are, in fact, sexually aroused by both women and men.
The finding is not likely to surprise bisexuals, who have long asserted that attraction often is not limited to one sex. But for many years the question of bisexuality has bedeviled scientists. A widely publicized study published in 2005, also by researchers at Northwestern, reported that “with respect to sexual arousal and attraction, it remains to be shown that male bisexuality exists.”
That conclusion outraged bisexual men and women, who said it appeared to support a stereotype of bisexual men as closeted homosexuals.
To read the rest of the article, click here.
Being Out of the Closet at Work
This article originally was published in the Chicagoland section of the Chicago Tribune, August 17, 2011.
The cubicle and the closet
Almost half of LGBT workers are not out at work, survey says
By Georgia Garvey, RedEye
Todd Sears has been out of the closet for as long as he has been an adult.
Openly gay since he was 18 years old, Sears started his first job out of college assuming he’d be the same at work. But three weeks after starting his position on Wall Street, his boss called someone a homophobic slur. And that was that.
“I basically realized that I had to be in the closet,” said Sears, now 35. “And having not been that closeted and having to shift back and watch pronouns and make up an imaginary girlfriend and really sort of re-experience in a corporate setting what I had experienced growing up was exhausting.”
That exhaustion—the constant fear that a boss or employer will discover your sexual orientation or gender identity—may be more common than some would think. Forty-eight percent of LGBT employees are in the closet at work, and one-third of them are leading “double lives,” in which they’re out to family and friends but not colleagues, according to a recent study by the Center for Work-Life Policy, a think tank in New York. The survey and other data suggest some closeted gay workers are suffering the ill effects of hiding—as are the employers of those workers.
“Corporate America is not always a … meritocracy,” said Sears, who is out now as a New York-based diversity adviser. “If you’re in the closet, you’re hiding and you’re hiding something very intrinsic about yourself.”
While conditions for gay workers appear to be improving, there is work to be done, activists say. LGBT people stay in the closet for a variety of reasons, experts say, whether they be worries that advancement will stall, or fear of harassment or other ill effects. Subtle cues—an invite to a company function that doesn’t mention partners or significant others, for example—can act as tipoffs for workplaces that might be less than welcoming.
To read the rest of this article, click here.
New Innovative Technology Popular in Senior Communities
A new internet service is sweeping senior communities by the thousands. In June of 2011, 28 year-old David A. Cox and 63 year-old Allen Gallant created what many are describing as a simple service with potentially wide-reaching social impact.
In it’s simplest form, Tech Talk Academy is the first live, fully interactive, online classroom built especially for seniors. On a deeper level, the service is bringing an education to everyone who didn’t grow up with technology.
It’s also available free of charge and spreading like wild fire.
Four times a week, anyone, anywhere can attend one of Cox’s very popular webinars. To sign up, users fill out a simple form at www.TechTalkAmerica.com.
An e-mail is sent to subscribers once a week with a list of all the classes offered for that particular week. Registering for a class is as easy as clicking on the name of the class. A confirmation e-mail gives each Tech Talk student a unique link to click at the time of the webinar.
Within a few seconds, hundreds of seniors suddenly can see and hear Cox as he shows them right on their own screen how to do everything from basics like e-mail and web browsing, to advanced techniques like video editing and website development.
When a user has a question, a simple chat window allows anyone to submit it instantly to the teacher.
So why would a service that appeals to millions of technophobic seniors be free?
“Our goal isn’t to get rich. Our goal is to create a following and a resource for people. We’d rather have a sold-out class of enthusiastic students over a few people who had the money to pay for it any day,” said Gallant who himself has taken several of Cox’s webinars.
In only the last few weeks, Tech Talk Academy has seen an explosion of members as more and more seniors share the service with their friends.
“To our knowledge, our youngest member is 11 and our oldest is about to turn 93. She just joined Facebook, plays online blackjack, and enjoys Skyping her grandkids,” said Cox.
What is possibly the most impressive aspect of Cox and Gallant’s invention is their uncanny ability to identify a public need and then create a solution to meet that need. As more and more seniors leave the idea of retirement homes and flock towards independent living communities, technologies like E-Mail, Skype, and the Internet become a pathway towards maintaining a lifestyle of independence.
Older Man and a Younger Man
Excerpt from “Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, A Psychiatrist’s Own Story” (inGroup Press, 2011)
by Loren A. Olson, M.D.
Originally published on Manhunt.com, this excerpt discusses intergenerational relationships, particularly those involving mature gay men.
One tall and handsome lean young man told me about his sexual attractions. He said he is only attracted to heavier men with big bellies and hairy chests. Unconscious forces operating in his brain “thin slice” his sexual attractions only to older men with mature bodies; younger men hold no appeal. What both may fail to recognize is that their own physical appearance may be exactly what will show up in the other’s thin slices.
Fifteen years separate the ages of my husband, Doug, and me, but we rarely talk about it. When we first started seeing each other more than twenty years ago, I was quite certain that he would sooner or later dump me for a younger man. One day I mentioned my concerns to him, and he replied, “I’ve always been attracted to older men. As a kid, I wasn’t attracted to my friends; I was attracted to their fathers.” At first I had trouble believing that, but I rarely thought about it again, at least until recently as I approached retirement.
Getting older magnified the age difference. Dormant and patched-over fears of abandonment crept back into my mind. Would Doug jump ship for a younger man? If I became physically unable to be his lover, would he find what gentle folks call a “friend with benefits,” but what gay men often call a “fuck-buddy”? Would his loyalty shift to this new playmate? If I need care that I could not reciprocate at some point, would he begin to resent me? How would we deal with the financial problems if I were to retire sooner than he did? Could he find a job in his mid-fifties? Would he be able to manage both a job and any care I might need? What if he died first? In Tim Turner’s play Out Late, Charles says to the much younger Evan, “I sure wish I’d met you thirty years ago,” to which Evan responds, “Thirty years ago, you would have been too young for me, and I wouldn’t have been born.” Intergenerational relationships (IGRs) are relationships between two men whose ages are separated by a difference of at least fifteen to twenty years, and the younger man is at least the age of consent. There are really no meaningful statistics about how often IGRs occur between men. Most in the straight world don’t know that intergenerational gay relationships exist, and many in the gay community don’t understand them.
Almost daily, younger men question me, “Why do I find myself only attracted to men who are older than me?” Young men who prefer older men are often backed into a corner to defend their choice, but they don’t understand their attraction either. Frequently they have looked for an answer in their relationship with their father or their grandfather, just as I had done for an explanation of my attraction to men. Sometimes they say, “My relationship with my father (or grandfather) was so wonderful; I just want to try to recreate that with a man.” At other times, they say, “I had no relationship with a father figure, and I think my attraction to older men is to fill that void.” When there are two contradictory hypotheses for the same phenomenon, looking for the explanation in their relationship with their father is too simplistic.
Family and friends confront them with their belief that the relationship cannot be based on love but must be based on other ulterior motives. Often fully capable of taking care of themselves, these men are hurt by accusations that they are looking for a “sugar daddy.” As I talked with young men, I repeatedly heard things like, “I don’t need stuff! I want more than an orgasm. I want a relationship with someone who is sensitive, caring, and romantic, self-assured and satisfied with his life.” All stereotypes have validity for some, but not all. While there certainly are young men seeking a sugar daddy and older men seeking an Adonis-like, aggressive sex partner, people mistakenly assume that all IGRs are based on exploitation. Younger men are accused of exploiting the financial security of the older man, and the older man is accused of wanting a trophy.
One young gay man has never been attracted to men of his own age. He explained, “All those guys who are under sixty years old might as well have vaginas because I have no interest in them.” One of my gay friends is in a relationship with a man who is forty years older than he is, and he’s tired of defending his relationship. Although his family has come to accept their relationship, his gay friends are the most critical. One of his friends asked him, “What does a young, good-looking guy like you see in an old man who is well past his expiration date?”
I must confess I have been guilty of asking young men about their interest in older men, too. Even though I am now married to a man fifteen years younger than me, I still had difficulty understanding IGRs. Why would a young man who works hard to achieve that hard-bodied, gay ideal find himself physically attracted to someone who looks like Dick Cheney, politics aside? We demand an explanation from these younger men, but why does it matter? A young man I spoke to said, “I am going through a kind of second coming out and have started psychoanalysis in order to understand my patterns of relationships and my choice of partners, who are always much older than me.” It is unlikely he’ll find the answer. Older men are rarely asked to defend their choice of a younger man. The older man has chosen up; the younger man chose down. The fact is that research hasn’t determined why we are drawn to the people we’re attracted to, and most likely, the explanations are very complex.
When I asked one young man about his attraction to older men he replied, “I like older men because they have all of their corners rounded off.” It brought to mind a class I’d taken on antiques. The instructor suggested that buying old furniture is better than buying new. “You hate to get a new piece scratched, but a mark on an old piece of furniture just adds character.”
David Sedaris, writing in Me Talk Pretty One Day, states, “When asked what we wanted to be when we grew up, we hid the truth and listed who we wanted to sleep with when we grew up. A policeman or a fireman or one of those guys who works with high-tension wires.” The young men I interviewed who are attracted to older men say they have been aware of their attraction from the very first time they recognized sexual attraction of any kind. They say that the attraction persists, even as they become older. One man said, “It sucks because I have buried three of my lovers.” Another older man joked, “I could do all my cruising in a nursing home.”
Older men who are attracted to younger men can’t explain their choice either, although they often say that temperamentally they feel much younger than their chronological age. If an older man is attracted to a masculine man with ripped muscles, it’s reasonable that he would find it difficult to believe that the muscular young man could find his too fat, too short, too wrinkled body attractive. Some older men resist the idea that younger men will find them attractive even to the point of being suspicious of the younger man’s motives. One commented, “I do not need to raise another son. I don’t need a helpless kid to protect.” Other older men express fears of abandonment because they may be unable to satisfy the younger man’s greater sexual appetites. Younger men frequently respond that they find the other essential characteristics of the relationship of more importance than the sexual compatibility.
We project our own attractions and expectations onto a prospective mate, expecting that the things they love and cherish are exactly the same as our own. If an aging man hates the changes in his body, he expects that any potential partner would abhor them just as much. If his sexual drive and potency have diminished, he may not trust that the younger man will find his interest in slow and sensual lovemaking desirable. Why would anyone want a fat, indolent, and decrepit man?
In The Upside of Irrationality: The Unexpected Benefits of Defying Logic at Work and at Home, Dan Ariely writes, “To a large degree, beautiful people date other beautiful people, and ‘aesthetically challenged’ individuals date others like them.” He goes on: “In terms of what they were looking for in a romantic partner, those who were more attractive cared more about attractiveness, while the less attractive people cared more about other characteristics (intelligence, sense of humor, and kindness). . . . The aesthetically challenged people were much more interested in going on another date with those they thought had a sense of humor or some other nonphysical characteristic, while the attractive people were much more likely to want to go on a date with someone they evaluated as good-looking.”
This may not be too reassuring to those who feel “aesthetically challenged,” although Ariely did admit there are significant exceptions as well as a disclaimer: “We are also a scent, a sparkle of the eye, a sweep of the hand, the sound of a laugh, and the knit of a brow—ineffable qualities that can’t easily be captured in a database.”
In 2005, GrayGay.com conducted an online “mini-poll” called “What Attracts You to Older Men?” Although the survey is not a scientific sampling, the results are interesting and informative.
| Looks, demeanor, physique | 32% |
| Sexuality, role-play, dominance | 19% |
| Wisdom, knowledge, experience | 14% |
| Softness, spirituality, calmness | 12% |
| Father figure, father substitute | 10% |
| Money, power, sugar daddy | 7% |
| Stability, assets, comfort | 5% |
Therapists engaged in efforts to “recover” men from homosexuality exploit the idea that the younger man searches for a father figure, but only 10 percent of the respondents addressed the issue of the father figure. Younger men do analyze their relationships with their fathers to find an explanation for their attraction, but their accounts are contradictory. Common responses are, “My father was a wonderful man, my best friend. I want a man just like he was.” It is also common, however, to hear, “I didn’t have a good father. I want someone to give me what I didn’t have,” or “My father left at a very young age. I never witnessed much of father/son activities. I missed out on so much during childhood.”
The GrayGay.com survey suggests that over 50 percent of younger men are attracted to older men because of their looks—the rounded corners of both their physique and their temperament. Words used to describe them were “lovely, gorgeous, raw beauty, manhood,” or more simply, “They just make me horny.” The older men are sometimes described as “daddies,” a word that connotes the qualities of maturity, stability, and emotional safety rather than some deeply Freudian maladjustment. “Daddies” are seen as nonthreatening, while the sharp edges of their contemporaries are more menacing. Young men perceive older men to be more sensitive, caring, romantic, self-assured, and satisfied with their lives. They want relationships based on emotions rather than stuff.
Humans have a powerful need to attach to a spouse, family, friends, pets, and even objects. Physiological and environmental cues drive us to interact socially. Paul J. Zak, in an article called “The Neurobiology of Trust,” reported that the hormone oxytocin enhances an individual’s propensity to trust a stranger when that person exhibits nonthreatening signals. Oxytocin has been dubbed the “cuddle hormone.” It promotes social interaction, bonding, and romantic love in addition to its key procreative functions including uterine contractions and lactation. As oxytocin rises, anxiety over interacting with strangers is reduced. A safe, nurturing environment may stimulate the release of more oxytocin. Research by Sarina Rodrigues and Laura Saslow has suggested that oxytocin’s effects on empathy and countering stress may be the result of a single gene. Could it be that a single gene impacting the effects of oxytocin accounts for a younger man’s attraction to older men?
Relationships between older and younger men are but one variation in attraction between men. “Chubbies” and “chubby chasers,” “bears” and “cubs,” and “dominants” and “submissives” are others. We excessively analyze the reasons for these choices, imposing an undue emphasis on categorization, rather than accepting the great diversity of homosexual attractions. Explanations for our attractions may be simple but more likely are complex and perhaps unknowable. All research runs the risk of reductionism. It can focus attention on genital sexual activity alone, to the exclusion of considerations of affection and affiliation. Alfred Kinsey, in Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, wrote:
Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. Not all things are black nor all things white. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories. Only the human mind invents categories and tries to force facts into separated pigeon-holes. The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. The sooner we learn this concerning human sexual behavior, the sooner we shall reach a sound understanding of the realities of sex.
Emotions always accompany behavior. Concentrating exclusively on genital sex causes us to miss the real significance in relationships. Sex is a nice, momentary boost, but having someone who cares about you and is there to support you, even as a close friend, is much more valuable in any long-term view. One younger man seems to have gotten it right when he said, “Don’t question the whys. They will be answered in the growth of the relationship. Decisions will be made as we grow together or apart. He likes you, you like him, and you’re both legal. Go for it. Life experience is the issue, not age.”
Click here to read an earlier post and comments about older/younger men’s relationships.
(Dr. Loren A. Olson, is a Board Certified Psychiatrist, a blogger on PsychologyToday.com and HuffingtonPost.com, and the author of Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, A Psychiatrist’s Own Story. In addition to TV and radio spots, Dr. Olson can be found on his blog for mature gay men: MagneticFire.com.)
For more information about Dr. Olson or his book from which this excerpt came from, please visit www.FinallyOutBook.com.
From Self-Loathing to Self-Acceptance
By Brian B.
Brian lives in Palm Springs, is a practicing Buddhist, a recent college graduate, and is currently single.
I can remember the first time I heard the word “faggot” in elementary school. The first time I had heard that word thrown around was as early as 4th grade. I remember hearing it directed at me a few times by various kids I didn’t get along with, and I didn’t know what it meant until I asked my grandfather who had raised me during my childhood.
Trying to understand what that word meant when you’re in the 4th grade when you’ve barely heard the “birds and the bees” talk and learning about human reproduction was just too confusing. However, I heard the word more and more, and I began to understand it around junior high school.
I was an average teenager with teen angst, I had a hard time fitting in during junior high school, and I noticed that I had very little of an interest in the opposite sex compared to my classmates. I pretended to have an interest given I figured it was the way to fit in, and I also figured it would help me gain some acceptance.
I noticed in junior high school that I started to have an attraction to other men. At the same time, I was still hearing the word “faggot,” which upset me deeply. I also remember being told by a female classmate that she hoped that I contracted AIDS and died. At that point, anything associated with being gay sounded unpleasant to me.
I began to have a loathing for gay people, I scoffed as a teenager when I watched “My So-Called Life” on MTV and saw a gay character on the show dealing with real life issues. I also began to throw around the term “faggot” to describe others.
I still felt my sexual desire to older men—it made me very uncomfortable to think that I could be gay. I remember intercepting the mail to find a Brooks Brothers catalog addressed to my grandfather, and I looked through it to find that I had an attraction to one of the male models in the catalog.
I had already discovered masturbation before that point, and without thinking, I dashed up into my room and masturbated to the picture of the male model in the magazine; I was extremely embarrassed and upset at myself when it was all over realizing that I had done a horrible thing in my own mind.
Given I had a hard time fitting in with others, I found myself extremely angry. I was also very upset at my living situation with my grandfather due to my mother being an alcoholic, and my father abandoning me before I was born. I was sick and tired of other kids berating me in the hallways at school calling me a “faggot” knowing that it made me upset.
The first place I found any refuge was in the angry and angst driven music of the 1990s; I listened to a lot of bands that used the themes of depression, suicide, self-destruction, and self-loathing not realizing that many of them weren’t promoting it, they were making light of the struggles that some people went through life dealing with.
A friend of mine introduced me to punk rock; I soon discovered that many of those bands were singing about a rebellion, being unique, and not giving in. I also started drinking at the age of 16; I started skipping school, and I just didn’t care anymore what anyone thought of me—or so I thought.
Eventually, I walked the straight and narrow. I stayed in school, I found constructive ways to deal with my angst through writing, learning to play the drums, and was starting to make sense of what was inspiring me as a person. I still drank heavily at a young age, and I was scared to death about my attraction to men; which was developing at full force.
I tried hard to find attraction to women, and I remember trying to put on a farce to prove I wasn’t gay by going on dates. When I was eighteen years old, I was in my first sexual relationship with someone of the female gender, and I noticed that I was still dealing with an attraction to men.
I remember spending a lot of time looking at gay pornography I would find on the internet, and would trade pictures with others who were online in various AOL chat rooms.
When I felt that I had enough of trying to be straight, I broke off that relationship and felt tortured; I decided I would just try and live as a celibate person. Any rumors that went around about me being gay would make me upset, and the smallest of gay related humor directed towards me in the work environment that I was in at the time with the intent to make me laugh would set me off.
At the age of 20, I had my first sexual experience with a man. It was something I felt disgusted by; I eventually found myself in a deep depression, and I also was starting to have anxiety problems. One of my biggest fears amongst several other things was being exposed as a gay man.
I had also started practicing the Buddhist religion, I had given up alcohol, and I was trying to face my suffering. Doing meditation during those times was not pleasant; reading many Buddhist texts about accepting yourself with compassion were not helping me at all; and I felt even more lost.
I sat and asked myself many times how I could come to terms with being a gay man, and I felt that I never would because I didn’t have the ability to admit it. When I was almost 22 years old, I had enough of being tortured, I had enough of being afraid, and I had enough of trying to deal with my homosexuality. I figured that I had dealt with enough rejection in my life that it didn’t matter what others would think of me by that point.
I felt that I just had nothing to lose. I sat down one night shaking with anxiety as I wrote an e-mail to a group of people that included my close friends and members of my family explaining that I was gay, and that I wasn’t going to hide it anymore. The response I received was overwhelmingly positive, and it felt so peaceful afterward to where I felt that there was some hope in my life.
My experiences with accepting my homosexuality continued after I came out. I noticed that I had trouble trying to navigate my way through the scenes,s learning about the scenes within the scene.
I dealt with a lot of fear of rejection from other gay men. I had a hard time finding a connection to gay men that I have dated, and I went through some really dark times trying to undo all of the negative thoughts I had developed for myself through the years because of my homosexuality.
I was shocked to learn that many of my friends would have thought I would be the last person to come out as gay, and that I didn’t fit the stereotypes that many straight people have about being gay. I also don’t really know what categories define me within the gay community.
I’ve learned to ignore those things and just try and be comfortable with who I am. I try and surround myself with good people who are both gay and straight; I practice a religion that has some tolerance established for the LGBT community and has several well-known figures as clergy who are affiliated with the LGBT community.
I have taken comfort in seeing many of the people in the punk community, various other musicians, artists, writers, and counterculture types are supportive of the LGBT community.
Is it just the laws that make us bad?
by John Chandler
I have been meaning to write to thank you for the insightful articles you post on MagneticFire, especially those on bisexuality and marriage. As a young man I often labeled myself as bisexual, but it has definitely become a label I don’t use anymore.
I am drawn to a lyric from an Australian song writer by the name of Josh Pyke:
Is it just the laws that make us bad?
What can we do to measure where we stand?
Will I judge myself by what I give to someone else
So I’ll know where I am?
Because of reading your profile and through looking at your website, I have finally found the courage to ‘come out’ to my family and tell them that my heart belongs to a man. After telling my twin brother, it took me twelve months to tell my parents and my sister and brother-in-law. When I told my brother, it was something I felt i had been pressured or bullied into. It then took some time to feel comfortable enough to be able to say it on my terms.
It had also been six years since my partner (who is 66) and I first met. Not being together because of distance has been one of the main excuses I had for not being so open sooner. Also having given my heart to an older man, I was also very much looking forward to reading your book. Have checked the reviews and I am sure you are feeling very happy.
I would be interested in hearing your perceptions of on-line ‘relationships.’ My partner and I decided to put our relationship on hold for a little while to sort through some of our own problems. Four hundred miles between us can become tricky when we relied on phone and internet for contact. Having grown up with technology leaves me feeling privileged, although it has also highlighted the differences between myself, and someone who did not!
Not only has the book been a revelation to me, but it is also helping to put into perspective some of the things my partner would have been feeling in our relationship. I slowly picked my way through the book. There have been a few times I have to put it down and think, “yep, it was me that messed that up.” But had it not been for the book, I might not have arrived at those conclusions.
It has also amazed me that when it comes to natures of the heart and mind, that age really is just a number. Many people often commented that I have ‘an old mans head on a young mans shoulders.’ Reading your thoughts through the pages made me realize that many men — regardless of age — feel and think the same way when it comes to their sexuality.
I completely understand the processes you arrived at when you were younger. I also didn’t have a strong father figure even though my Dad was still around growing up. I often attributed being comfortable, sexually or platonically, with older men because of that. Wanting a career in education also provided me with a ‘valid/logical’ excuse not to come out. Even though I know gay teachers, many still refuse to come ‘out.’ Unfortunately some areas of rural Australia still maintain negative stereotypes of gay men who teach.
I wanted to pick your thoughts about an occurrence I witnessed recently. I ran into an old high school teacher of mine. I had been shopping and I headed to the bathroom where I saw him emerging from a cubicle with another man. This in itself wasn’t a surprise; he had come out and left his wife and family three or four years ago.
What did leave me thinking was the conversation that followed. He had been my teacher in high school, but he had also been my principal when working in a school a few years later. We had a few years to catch up on (even though a restroom wouldn’t have been my venue of choice!)
We exchanged the usual pleasantries and quizzed me on my knowledge of his separation from his wife. He briefly explained his relationships since then and his “sexual liberation” as he called it. He then told me that he was back living with his wife! Even though he is now “proudly gay”, and continues to have sexual encounters with men, he has returned to a “happy and fully functioning marriage with my beautiful wife (his words).”
Have you ever had the experience where you have known men that have come out, left their wives/girlfriends/families to pursue relationships with men, only to return to their “straight life?”
As a scientist, my brain will always attempt to justify and reconcile my thoughts and lead me to logical conclusions and I can imagine scenarios (particularly here in Australia) where this kind of situation is a valid option for some men. But having laid all his cards on the table with his “separation,” was it is a matter of returning to something that was comfortable to him for many years? Or was it was a matter of “putting your hand down someone’s pants and being happy with whatever you find?” Maybe it is just a case of him having his cake and eating it too.
Like many others, most of my critical thinking comes at night, after the lights have gone off and I have climbed into bed with a partner six hours away, rather than lying on the pillow next to me. That scenario in itself led me to realize how offensive I found that meeting.
First, I have always strongly believed that respect is one of the most essential components of any relationship, sexual or platonic. The lack of respect he has for his wife is unthinkable. Whether she is aware of his continued liaisons with other men I can’t say. If she is, that might be a conversation for another time!
Second, I am living in a country where marriage equality for same-sex partners does not exist. Marriage equality is a hot topic on the political agenda here. The previous Howard government amended the marriage act to “protect the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman.” In saying all that, I have just run into an old teacher/mentor/colleague that treats his marriage as a joke. He treats his wife and family as a play-thing that he can pick up or discard at a whim, depending entirely on what his sexual needs are at the moment.
Every night, I go home alone. Even if I didn’t, it still would not change the fact that I cannot go home to my HUSBAND. I cannot marry the one man that I adore, yet this man can go home and sleep next to his wife, quite possibly after he has had his fill cruising for sex. It is this that I find offensive.
I wonder if he read the lyric above if his attitudes to himself, or to his wife, would change? Is it just the laws that make us bad? Certainly some laws prevent me from spending my life with the man I love with the same legal entitlements as heterosexual couples, but they certainly don’t prevent me from living my life as a good, decent, kind-hearted gay man.
In fifty or sixty years I will reflect on my life and I will remember the events in my life that have impacted positively on those who I have loved, my partner, my friends and my family. I will remember the way that others had impacts on my life and I will be grateful. I will look at the choices I have made along the way and I will feel comfortable with where I stand.
Loren’s Comment:
John would love to hear your thoughts about this experience he had with a former teacher and also about long distance relationships.
Aging and HIV in Gay and Bisexual men
This information originally appeared on Edge on the Internet. To see the entire article, click on the link below.
Aging and HIV
About 1.1 million Americans live with HIV/AIDS, as do 33 million around the world. Every year about 56,000 more Americans are newly infected; roughly half are gay men and half are African American. While HIV incidence in the U.S. remains static, infections among gay and bisexual men are increasing, the only risk group for which this is occurring. Infections are particularly increasing among young black gay men.
Globally 2.7 million people were newly infected in 2008, down from a peak of 3.5 million newly infected in 1997. Despite this relative progress, for every two HIV positive people who get into treatment globally, another five are newly infected.
Most of the 33 million people living with HIV around the world don’t have access to anti-retrovirals (ARVs), the HIV medications that revolutionized treatment in the mid-1990s, and are not likely to anytime soon. In sub-Saharan Africa, where most of these people live, access to something as basic as palliative care (pain medication) is often beyond reach.
That is the bad news.
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Aging and HIV
About one-third of all people living with HIV/AIDS in the United States today are 50 years of age or older, a figure that will grow to one-half by 2017. The development of Highly Active Anti-Retroviral Therapy (HAART) in the 1990s changed what it meant to be diagnosed as HIV-positive, making it possible not only for people to live with HIV, but to thrive well into their 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond.
With this welcome development come new challenges. Increased life expectancies bring a suite of new health problems that involve complex interactions between the virus, antiretroviral therapies, the natural aging process, and in some cases, other behavioral risk factors. Some evidence suggests that HIV accelerates the aging process, and both aging and HIV infection dramatically influence the immune system. It is well-known that older people in general have more chronic diseases.
To read the rest of this article, click here.