This post was written by Arden Flater, 69, who just came out to his wife and children on Memorial Day weekend (May 28, 2011). After having been married just short of forty years, he is now divorced. He has four grown children, ages 30-40, and six grandchildren. He has lived in western North Dakota for 43 years and now resides in Bismarck, North Dakota.

 Loren,

 On page 56 of your book, Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, a Psychiatrist’s Own Story, you wrote, “Monitoring the secret [of sexual orientation] against societal norms requires considerable effort, constant vigilance, and behavioral self-editing. Although there is a wish to disclose the secret, the need to make a favorable impression on others often overpowers the need to disclose.”

 “Background noise” is the term I’ve used when I’ve come out to others. It comes from what scientists call “background radiation,” which is everywhere-present in the universe, the left over, the residuum, from the moment of the big bang. Background noise is ubiquitous, always there; it never goes away. It is a constant reminder of the beginning.

For me, the ubiquitous background noise was questions like, “Does that person know that I’m gay? Does it show? Is there some way the person can tell? What would be the nature of our conversation or the relationship between us if she or he knew?” It was always the filter through which every relationship had to pass. It was true of those most intimate to me — my wife and children — as well as the most casual relationships.

I  would pass people as I walked through the mall or people sitting in a concert hall with me. It didn’t matter what person or group, it was just always there: Having come out and no longer caring whether or not people know, that “noise” is largely silenced. That is a terrible burden lifted.

This last weekend I was at an event, and I talked with a man I have known who is a recovering alcoholic. When I talked about my experience with this “noise,” he could identify. Both of us, we discovered — for different reasons and circumstances — experienced the same thing: the need to lie, to pretend.

We agreed that it had taken incredible energy to maintain that falsehood, the façade that suggested we were something we were not. He said that he began to despise the need to drink: He hated doing it. He, too, experienced release and freedom when he “came out” about his alcoholism.

Late in life I heard stories recounted about my paternal great-grandfather. He was a mean-spirited, cold man. I learned that my grandfather and his siblings were “afraid” of him. Their experience of him was one of distance. My own experience with my paternal grandfather (with all of my grandparents, for that matter) was one of distance. In my very young years, my sense of my own father and my mother, too, was one of neglect, one of distance.

 As I became aware of that, I reflected on my own parenting and wondered if sometimes that was also true of me. Both my wife and I have worked hard at being more involved and “present” to our children. I have wondered — and now I have learned from them — that sometimes I was distant and not always present. I have thought about both my heritage, but now I also think this “background noise” has been a barrier.

It is a complex thing, this trying to be “straight” when in fact I am gay. It feels so very good to be out and to be freed from that filter.  And yet there remains much to think about, process and talk through.

I believe that we don’t have to be out every where, particularly as older men.

How does an older man begin to date again? Sometimes I want to make up for lost time. How does this sense of urgency lead to making bad decisions? There is also a tendency, however ill advised, to want to share the long held secret with the world.

I’ve also just now been reading in your book some comments about suicide and middle aged men coming out and feeling alone. I’m there.

There is no community in a rural place like this.  I have no idea how to know here who is gay and who isn’t. On Manhunt.com, there are about 400 men living in Bismarck. I’m suspecting numbers of them are married, but I hear from very few of them.

I’m at a loss to know how to find other gay men. I’m interested in more than having sex, though I don’t mind that. I want to be with other gay men on some basis other-than-sex, to talk with them and do fun things together. I’m very new to being an out gay man. I don’t know where to go.

You have indicated your own struggle in the church; my experience has been different. I’ve just this week talked with the pastor in one of the local congregations about working at doing something in a congregation that would provide a place for GLBT people to come together in a church. I’m not sure what that might be yet. I want to be deliberate about trying something like this. I’m so new to all of this, and I know that I have lots to learn, but I want to do something.

Loren’s comment:

I prefer that others do the commenting but I would like to add two points:

1. As I post this, I am attending a Prime Timers event in Oklahoma City.  Prime Timers World Wide.  It is a social organization that provides older gay and bisexual men the opportunity to enrich their lives.”  Here in OKC are gathered about 250 men, ranging in age from about 40 to 91.  Many attend with their partners and many come year after year to re-establish friendships and make new ones.  PTWW has local chapters but invites individual memberships as well.  Celebration of Friends is another organization that meets annually in Florida.
2. It is also important to know that research shows that to be happy, gay men don’t need to only surround themselves with other gay men.  What they do need are friends (gay and straight) who are accepting of them.  In a social setting where we find this kind of acceptance, all of the “back ground noise” disappears , behavioral self-editing is unnecessary, and the sense of peace is evident.