Archive for November, 2011
More about intergenerational gay relationships
I received this comment in response to an earlier post, but thought it deserved greater attention. Loren
I know the idea of perceived unrequited love stings!
I agree with Loren, don’t give up just yet! After i share a little of my story with you, hopefully you might be able to understand why.
To me, age has a little bit to do with this. But not your age! When i met the man i fell head over heels in love with, i was only 21. Like you, we had meet on an online dating site. At that time, i had only just started to think about exploring my sexuality.
At 21 i didn’t define myself as gay so i thought that getting online might help broaden my experiences. It also meant that i had complete control over what i did and didn’t do. In theory i could choose who i wanted to make contact with and possibly meet. I was unsure, and insecure in regards to what i was doing and what i wanted.
It was literally three days later when i received a message from my now partner who had found my profile. As it turned out (and would define how much of our relationship would play out!!) he had just moved to the same town one month before i had left!
We started chatting online and exchanged some non-risque pictures and as soon as i saw his smile, my knees buckled, my heart exploded and i knew i had found the man i could spend the rest of my life with. At the time we met i had turned 21 one month before, and he had just celebrated his 61st birthday.
After 5 or 6 weeks of online chat, i had some work that was taking me back to his area (which was, and still is 8 hours away!) and we decided to meet on my way through town. After he opened his door, i must admit there wasn’t a lot of talking going on! After all we had spent the best part of two months talking! But when it came time to leave after an hour or so it felt like i had known him for years, not weeks.
Around six months later, we started having a few communication problems. The distance factor was starting to play a major role and all of a sudden our relationship wasn’t as comfortable as it once was. He was also starting to experience some health problems.
This is where my age started to kick in. I was 21. The last meaningful relationship i had was with my 6th grade girlfriend! I found myself in a relationship that was starting to face some serious twists, and i had no idea what to do! I didn’t know what i was supposed to do!
I had never been in a mature relationship, yet alone with a man, and i felt all at sea. Anything i said wasn’t working. I couldn’t make a trip down to see him because of work and it was all starting to crumble. By that time, i am sure we just needed a rest, and we ended up calling it quits.
6 months later i happened to send him an e-mail to see how he was doing. I hadn’t stopped thinking about him, and as it turned out, he hadn’t stopped thinking about me. There was always love there. Soon enough we found ourselves back to sharing, talking and luaghing the way we used to.
Seven years later, we’re both seven years older but the age difference is the same. The biggest difference is that i have those extra seven years of life experience that i didn’t have before. We both still live 8 hours from each other, but we now we know how to make it work.
Had either of us given up, we wouldn’t know the joys of having each other, and how much brighter our worlds have become. Yes we still have some differences, but who doesn’t!
Unfortunately, some guys you meet online can just be jerks. They only want some sexual gratification and it doesn’t matter who gets in the way or who gets hurt.
I certainly hope that this isn’t the case with you! You both have a lot in common and obviously have an emotional connection.
As Loren mentioned, he may have circumstances (like me) that may be holding him back. I remember how scared i was when my relationship started getting serious. It just took some soul searching to realize how i felt. He is young, so you might just need to give him the benefit of the doubt and some time to fully understand how it is he feels towards you.
I hope he makes contact with you soon, regardless of what his answer may be. Not knowing how he feels must be making you feel awful. I also agree with Loren when he said not to personalize his failure to respond. It’s not your fault that he hasn’t replied, even though i know it doesn’t make you feel any better! If he is interested, it may just take some time for him to come to terms with wanting to get in touch.
Best of luck and i hope your happy ending is just around the corner.
Tim
The “Iron Rule” in Helping Others
Another reader’s comment deserves a higher focus. It was written in response to an earlier post, “Gay Seniors Have More Options.”
My partner and i have been dating for about a month now, and I am 16 years older than him. He just got out of college and hasn’t yet found a job! I feel i have to support him for now.
How do I know if am going overboard? Do i see him in need sometimes and ignore him?
I don’t want him to feel I am making him less than a man. Or do i always provide for his needs until he can get a job and then we can share responsibilities?
We hope to get married in the future!
<strong>Loren’s Comment:</strong><em>
I think the first question is, “Do you have the means to support him without compromising yourself too much?” In this economic environment, it is very difficult for young people to find work in their fields of interest.
Several years ago I heard an African American Baptist minister from the Bronx speak, and he said that his congregation lives by the “Iron Rule,” which he defined as, “Don’t help someone more than they need to be helped because it de-humanizes them.” I have found this to be true, over and over. If one helps someone to an extent greater than they need, it sends them a message that they are not competent.
It is important that you do not feel that you are being exploited, more commonly talked about as being a “sugar daddy.” There are of course some younger men who will take advantage of a financially secure older man, although I have found that most younger men in these relationships resent the implication that they are incapable of taking care of themselves.
What I believe is essential in this situation is that the young man makes a significant contribution to the support of your relationship as a couple. If it cannot be a financial contribution, it can be in other areas, a kind of “sweat equity.” If he doesn’t have a job, he should continue to pursue one, and perhaps even take a job where he is “under-employed” for a time.
I have often told my patients to not give to someone more than they are able to give freely; to give more than that makes one feel exhausted and resentful.
There are limits to how much we should help others. Don’t give to the point where you begin to resent him. It will surely destroy the relationship.
Other’s comments?
Social Options for Gay Seniors on Fixed Income
Here’s another comment from a reader that needs more attention than it might received if buried among the “comments.” It was received in response to an earlier blog entry, “Gay Seniors Gaining More Options.”
What does a gay senior do who does not have much money (just social security)? Where does that person end up when he is no longer able to care for himself? Having friends is good but there are limits of what one can ask them to do for you.
Is there housing that is not to expensive? In a safe area?
All the housing that I have seen is well over my head.
Loren’s Comment:
This a very complex and important question, and so much of the answer lies in where you live. Some urban areas have more resources that most rural areas, but even then, resources are increasingly inadequate as more and more gay boomers arrive in the category of senior citizens.
Many gay seniors do not find themselves welcome in the regular senior centers serving a largely heterosexual community. Care providers working in institutions have often been inadequately prepared to meet these unique challenges, and in some cases, are frankly quite discriminatory.
High schools, because of bullying, are developing “Gay-Straight Alliances” to help ward of mistreatment of gay youth. Perhaps we need these say alliances developed in senior communities. It is important to note that happiness for gay seniors is not contingent upon living only with gay people; it does however depend upon living in a community where the heterosexual members are tolerant and accepting.
Gay seniors who are physically and mentally fit and looking for challenges must begin to advocate for the needs of those who are less able. Remember “Grey Panthers,” the ones who originally began to stand up for the needs of the elderly? Let’s get moving on a “Gay Grey Panthers!”
Also, it is possible to find low cost alternatives to social outlets, for example, the church I attend has a game night where board games are played. Others have pot lucks and informal coffee groups. One group in Palm Springs gets together every morning to walk and then gathers for coffee.
These things didn’t just happen, they happened because someone took the initiative to get things started.
Another physician and I are working on the possibility of a mature men’s retreat in Oklahoma City, Spring, 2012. Contact me if interested.
Old Man, Young Man: Can It Work?
This comment was posted following a previous MagneticFire blog entry, “One Older Man’s Experience with a Younger Man.” I thought it important enough to post it as a main entry.
I just did a search on “gay couples + younger and older” not knowing what I expected to find.
I was curious to see what I’d find because honestly, I’ve been beating myself up about this and needed to know who else was out there going through the same thing. I only wanted to read but I now feel compelled to write because I need to tell my story. Thank you for being there.
About a month ago, a young guy flirted with me on one of those gay ‘meet-up’ web sites. We all know men are on there to hook up with each other and I was no different. To be honest, I wasn’t especially attracted to this guy – I’ve seen better photos. And because he’s 24, I didn’t really take him seriously (I’m 46).
However, he persisted, kept texting me back. He really wanted to meet me. Of course, I was flattered. I’m a very young-looking Italian guy, in very good physical condition; I am an athlete. I have a young kind of outlook on life. I’m optimistic, I love what I do (I’m a teacher and an artist) and I approach the world with excitement and wonder. At the same time, I have the wisdom that age brings and I know what I want and what I don’t want.
This young guy looked cute enough in photos, but I asked for another face picture because it was difficult to get a sense of his looks. He texted right away and gave me a link to some more photos. The were very nice. We chatted a few more minutes. He’s a teacher. He’s also an artist. He’s Italian. This settled my doubts. No harm in coming over and meeting. Even if nothing happens, we could have a nice chat about teaching and art and perhaps be friends.
As it turned out, we immediately began kissing and kissed for hours. We took our clothes off and kissed more and we had a very deeply satisfying physical experience. We talked about teaching, what schools we worked at, etc. It was beautiful and I prepared myself to let go as soon as he left because experience has taught me not to expect anything more. Of course we said we’d meet again. It would be nice. But I didn’t count on it. Later that night he sent a message saying that it would be nice to sleep next to me and wake up together. I ‘smiled’ back. I told him I’d like to see him again.
A few days later he sent me a link to his work online (drawings and paintings). A few days after that he sparked up a flirtatious series of text messages about what he liked about me and about my body. Later that night he said he’d told his friends about me. I asked him when I could see him again. We agreed he would come over on Sunday at noon.
I was so taken with him. Mostly because of the things we had in common. Honestly, I was more emotionally attracted to him than physically. It is without pretense or conceit that I say to you that I am more ‘physically’ attractive than he. And because of the context of our meeting (gay, online, hook-up sites), those things matter most. However, once we met and spent time together that afternoon, none of that mattered to me.
I spent the days until Sunday wondering if I could have a relationship with a 24 year old. It seemed absurd. Of course I couldn’t. How would families react? What would friends say? Wouldn’t he be ‘missing’ the key parts of his life that most people experience with others their own age? Meeting mates, dating, marrying, having children, spending holidays with family… Wouldn’t all that be so strange and awkward with a man 20+ years older than he? Would he resent me for knowing things he hadn’t yet learned?
I was getting a bit ahead of myself I guess. I resolved to keep the idea open and see how it progressed on the second meeting, and the third, etc.
On Sunday I waited. Noon time came and went. I texted and asked if he was going to show up. He said something about being called into work (a retail gig he’d held onto on occasion). Then he phoned and we actually spoke. He apologized and said he didn’t want me to think he’d ‘blown me off’. He’d phone me later and we’d arrange something.
It’s been 4 weeks since I heard from him. He hasn’t answered my email. He hasn’t contacted me at all. I am crushed. I might be in love. Mostly I am hurt that I opened myself up to him; allowed myself to entertain the thought that he might actually be a man I could love. I now attribute the entire mess to his immaturity; his inability to accept the idea of being with a man 20 years older. As soon as it seemed as though I was pursuing him (instead of the opposite) he realized the futility of a relationship between us, it seems.
I’m angry and sad. I haven’t stopped thinking about him. And I guess I should just let this all pass. But part of me thinks that I should not let go. Discovering your web site has made me realize that any kind of relationship can work if both parties are wiling to allow it.
Thank you for that. And thank you for reading. It’s been therapeutic for me. It’s helped me gain some perspective.
You are lucky for what you have with your partner.
Sincerely,
Louis
Loren’s Comment:
Don’t give up yet. There are potentially many reasons he has not yet responded. He also may have some doubts about the realities of making a relationship with an older man work. He may be experiencing criticism from his family and friends. Many, many gay men have expressed doubts that these relationships can work.
My own experience would suggest otherwise. My partner/husband and I have celebrated 25 years together and we have a similar age difference. We were about the same ages as you mentioned when our relationship began. We also know of many successful gay couples with similar age differences.
Of course you can’t control whether or not he calls you back, but since you seem quite taken by him, I would encourage you to keep trying, at least until you are no longer interested. Try not to personalize his failure to respond too much. It may have much more to do with the circumstances he finds himself in that it does with not caring about you.
Others have comments?
Loren Olson