What I like best about Loren A. Olson’s book, “Finally Out” is what it isn’t. It isn’t a map charting a series of obligatory stops on the road to “finally” becoming gay.  It isn’t a how-to manual with instructions for shedding baggage accumulated while “living straight” in order to start post-straight life with a clean house. It isn’t an earnest convert’s exhortation about how to cast off heterosexism’s false god and profess a homosexual manifesto. It isn’t a psychiatric lecture on current hypotheses about how homosexual and heterosexual brains differ, thus explaining divergent sexual attractions. In short, the good doctor offers no easy prescription for the right way to be “finally out” in midlife.

On the contrary Olson asserts that “there can be no universal explanations for how each person chooses to deal with conflicts about sexual orientation.” Coming out is shaped by the psychosocial constraints of one’s own place and time in history, he contends. For Olson, his place is the rural Midwest, his time the post-World War II decades when “heteronormative culture was the only one imaginable.” He reports (literally) seminal experiences as a preadolescent and adolescent, boy on boy, that he reveled in, wanted more of, felt guilty about, but repressed, since the only thing he knew to become when he grew up was a husband married to a wife with whom he would build a properly conventional life.

As he tells it, his early and ongoing same-sex couplings went unexamined and unintegrated into his self-identity until repression could no longer withstand cognitive dissonance and he had to do something. By then, he was 40, an established psychiatrist and married father of two teenage daughters. He was also depressed, knowing he could no longer live what he now understood as a carefully constructed lie. In essence, he came out to himself, realizing he would have to change his situation if he were to live authentically, dedicating himself to “deconstructing inherited values and reconstructing [his] own.”

When Olson evacuates the heterosexual dream house he had constructed with his wife for the homosexual safe haven of his own apartment, he leaves his wife and children physically behind. He never abandons them emotionally, however. Having landed a dream job in a city several hours away, he opts for a less attractive local position because he agrees with his daughter that he would rarely see his family if he moved so far away. Even as he is increasingly out as a gay man socially and professionally, he continues to worry about how his daughters will get on with his new “very monogamous” partner. Coming to a new understanding of himself doesn’t mean casting off the attachments of the heart contracted in his old, “straight” life. He must find ways to integrate them into a self-identity that amalgamates who he was with who he is becoming. No formula can tell him how he should act or live as a gay man, a point he illustrates anecdotally – without condemnation – by revealing his discomfort with such stereotypically gay activities as drag and polyamory. As his book’s subtitle states, he is “letting go of living straight”, which is not to be confused with embracing a particularly way of being gay.

Loosely written and anecdotal, this book is not great literature. Themes come and go willy-nilly, as the author’s voice abruptly and repeatedly shifts from sober academic to empathic clinician to fellow traveler. Much of what he reports is old news for anyone with an interest in human sexuality. What makes this book distinctive and useful is Olson’s declaration that we all must recognize the “cognitive complexities of paradox, ambiguity, and uncertainty in our lives.” Having not come out until midlife, Olson says that he writes for “the mature man” who is not easily divested of past obligations and relationships. The closest he comes to telling his mature reader what to do is in his “essential components of coming out”, which include constructing a new reality, assertively meeting social and sexual needs, and publicly acknowledging one’s new status except where it could lead to unacceptable losses. Olson’s authentic gay man finds compromises that make him feel as good as he can about himself. His worth depends on much more than his choice of sexual partners. Right and wrong are not absolute concepts.

Maturity affords him the chance to examine values and dogmas and decide for himself what he believes. He lives life according to his own expectations. He finally becomes his own man. Most of the time, this book is too earnest to be sexy. I did find mildly titillating Olson’s explanation of why “versatiles” enjoy better psychological health. For Olson, defining oneself as either a “top” or “bottom” is too limiting, too binary (reminding me of the old joke, “What’s the best thing about being bisexual? Twice as many chances for a date on Saturday night.” But I digress….). Tops, he suggest, may not have relinquished the traditional male prerogative of having to be insertive, “active”; bottoms may be restricting themselves with their adherence to female stereotypes of passivity and submissiveness. Since whatever two loving people agree to do in bed together is all good, why be stuck with only societally ordained positions?

Just as Olson encourages the reader to browse the possibilities his new life affords and adopt what works for him, so can he browse this book for ideas that make sense to him. Therapists seeking a resource manual for frightened or becalmed clients who would benefit from avuncular reassurance will do well to recommend Olson’s book. For sexually confused men of a certain age trying to get right with themselves, “Finally Out” will likely prove deeply comforting.

I am a 56 year old woman, happily married for 23 years to a terrific man, with whom I have a son.

I consider myself to be so very lucky for this, as my childhood was so dysfunctional, and until five years ago, I never knew why. My mother was the 7th of 10 kids in a Polish Catholic family, and unlike all her siblings, who married early, she waited until she was 33.

I suspect that her family was quite adamant about her getting serious and starting a family before it was too late. And so, her brothers matched her up with a guy they all worked with, my dad, who was a Jehovah’s Witness. That in itself was a red flag; however, I don’t remember any tender moments between them, or any signs of affection from her to my father (although, he was crazy about her). Can’t even figure out how they managed to produce not only me, but my sister, two years later.

Then things between them really got bad. They stopped talking to each other when I was 12, and we two kids wound up as referees in their never-ending skirmishes. They finally, and thankfully, divorced after 32 years; my father died 11 years later.

Five years ago, while talking to my mom on the phone, about nothing in particular (I live 3000 miles away these days), there was a long silence, and then she suddenly said out of the blue, “I’m sorry about what I did to you kids growing up. I’m sorry about what I did to your father. I never loved him. I didn’t even like him. I don’t like men.”

I wish I could say that my jaw dropped at this admission, but frankly, it was just something in my head that said, “Well, now I know why things were the way they were.” I was just glad to have her say something about it, finally. She was 90 years old.

Today, she is 95, and she has refused to bring it up ever again, and I have quit trying to prod her. My sister doesn’t believe what I told her. I just want Mom to know that it’s OK, I’m just glad she finally told me; it gave me closure. But I wish she had come out long before…

My Dad truly never knew what he had done to her, or why she was so horrible to him. Her family must have known, but they all kept quiet all those years. Obviously, writing all this down isn’t going to change anything, but except for my husband and sister, you are the only person I’ve ever told this to.

I just hope that someday, everyone finds peace with whomever they love, and aren’t forced to do things against their will to uphold the family reputation. Too many people suffered for this tragedy.

<strong>Loren’s Comment:</strong>

Thanks for that wonderful story.  I am sure that nothing more needs to be said between you and your mother.  She knew by your response — perhaps more by a lack of a disapproving response — that you accepted her.

You may be interested in the following link:

<a href=”http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finally-out/201110/door-knob-revelations”>

Because this is so interesting, I am going to re-post as a main blog entry.

I know the idea of perceived unrequited love stings!

I agree with Loren, don’t give up just yet! After i share a little of my story with you, hopefully you might be able to understand why.

To me, age has a little bit to do with this. But not your age! When i met the man i fell head over heels in love with, i was only 21. Like you, we had meet on an online dating site. At that time, i had only just started to think about exploring my sexuality.

At 21 i didn’t define myself as gay so i thought that getting online might help broaden my experiences. It also meant that i had complete control over what i did and didn’t do. In theory i could choose who i wanted to make contact with and possibly meet. I was unsure, and insecure in regards to what i was doing and what i wanted.

It was literally three days later when i received a message from my now partner who had found my profile. As it turned out (and would define how much of our relationship would play out!!) he had just moved to the same town one month before i had left!

We started chatting online and exchanged some non-risque pictures and as soon as i saw his smile, my knees buckled, my heart exploded and i knew i had found the man i could spend the rest of my life with. At the time we met i had turned 21 one month before, and he had just celebrated his 61st birthday.

After 5 or 6 weeks of online chat, i had some work that was taking me back to his area (which was, and still is 8 hours away!) and we decided to meet on my way through town. After he opened his door, i must admit there wasn’t a lot of talking going on! After all we had spent the best part of two months talking! But when it came time to leave after an hour or so it felt like i had known him for years, not weeks.

Around six months later, we started having a few communication problems. The distance factor was starting to play a major role and all of a sudden our relationship wasn’t as comfortable as it once was. He was also starting to experience some health problems.

This is where my age started to kick in. I was 21. The last meaningful relationship i had was with my 6th grade girlfriend! I found myself in a relationship that was starting to face some serious twists, and i had no idea what to do! I didn’t know what i was supposed to do!

I had never been in a mature relationship, yet alone with a man, and i felt all at sea. Anything i said wasn’t working. I couldn’t make a trip down to see him because of work and it was all starting to crumble. By that time, i am sure we just needed a rest, and we ended up calling it quits.

6 months later i happened to send him an e-mail to see how he was doing. I hadn’t stopped thinking about him, and as it turned out, he hadn’t stopped thinking about me. There was always love there. Soon enough we found ourselves back to sharing, talking and luaghing the way we used to.

Seven years later, we’re both seven years older but the age difference is the same. The biggest difference is that i have those extra seven years of life experience that i didn’t have before. We both still live 8 hours from each other, but we now we know how to make it work.

Had either of us given up, we wouldn’t know the joys of having each other, and how much brighter our worlds have become. Yes we still have some differences, but who doesn’t!

Unfortunately, some guys you meet online can just be jerks. They only want some sexual gratification and it doesn’t matter who gets in the way or who gets hurt.

I certainly hope that this isn’t the case with you! You both have a lot in common and obviously have an emotional connection.

As Loren mentioned, he may have circumstances (like me) that may be holding him back. I remember how scared i was when my relationship started getting serious. It just took some soul searching to realize how i felt. He is young, so you might just need to give him the benefit of the doubt and some time to fully understand how it is he feels towards you.

I hope he makes contact with you soon, regardless of what his answer may be. Not knowing how he feels must be making you feel awful. I also agree with Loren when he said not to personalize his failure to respond. It’s not your fault that he hasn’t replied, even though i know it doesn’t make you feel any better! If he is interested, it may just take some time for him to come to terms with wanting to get in touch.

Best of luck and i hope your happy ending is just around the corner.
Tim

My partner and i have been dating for about a month now, and I am 16 years older than him.  He just got out of college and hasn’t yet found a job! I feel i have to support him for now.

How do I know if am going overboard? Do i see him in need sometimes and ignore him?

I don’t want him to feel I am making him less than a man. Or do i always provide for his needs until he can get a job and then we can share responsibilities?

We hope to get married in the future!

<strong>Loren’s Comment:</strong><em>

I think the first question is, “Do you have the means to support him without compromising yourself too much?”  In this economic environment, it is very difficult for young people to find work in their fields of interest.

Several years ago I heard an African American Baptist minister from the Bronx speak, and he said that his congregation lives by the “Iron Rule,” which he defined as, “Don’t help someone more than they need to be helped because it de-humanizes them.”  I have found this to be true, over and over.  If one helps someone to an extent greater than they need, it sends them a message that they are not competent.

It is important that you do not feel that you are being exploited, more commonly talked about as being a “sugar daddy.”  There are of course some younger men who will take advantage of a financially secure older man, although I have found that most younger men in these relationships resent the implication that they are incapable of taking care of themselves.

What I believe is essential in this situation is that the young man makes a significant contribution to the support of your relationship as a couple.  If it cannot be a financial contribution, it can be in other areas, a kind of “sweat equity.”  If he doesn’t have a job, he should continue to pursue one, and perhaps even take a job where he is “under-employed” for a time.

I have often told my patients to not give to someone more than they are able to give freely; to give more than that makes one feel exhausted and resentful.

There are limits to how much we should help others.  Don’t give to the point where you begin to resent him.  It will surely destroy the relationship.

Other’s comments?

What does a gay senior do who does not have much money (just social security)? Where does that person end up when he is no longer able to care for himself?  Having friends is good but there are limits of what one can ask them to do for you.

Is there housing that is not to expensive? In a safe area?

All the housing that I have seen is well over my head.

Loren’s Comment:

This a very complex and important question, and so much of the answer lies in where you live.  Some urban areas have more resources that most rural areas, but even then, resources are increasingly inadequate as more and more gay boomers arrive in the category of senior citizens.

Many gay seniors do not find themselves welcome in the regular senior centers serving a largely heterosexual community.  Care providers working in institutions have often been inadequately prepared to meet these unique challenges, and in some cases, are frankly quite discriminatory.

High schools, because of bullying, are developing “Gay-Straight Alliances” to help ward of mistreatment of gay youth.  Perhaps we need these say alliances developed in senior communities.  It is important to note that happiness for gay seniors is not contingent upon living only with gay people; it does however depend upon living in a community where the heterosexual members are tolerant and accepting.

Gay seniors who are physically and mentally fit and looking for challenges must begin to advocate for the needs of those who are less able.  Remember “Grey Panthers,” the ones who originally began to stand up for the needs of the elderly?  Let’s get moving on a “Gay Grey Panthers!”

Also, it is possible to find low cost alternatives to social outlets, for example, the church I attend has a game night where board games are played.  Others have pot lucks and informal coffee groups.  One group in Palm Springs gets together every morning to walk and then gathers for coffee.

These things didn’t just happen, they happened because someone took the initiative to get things started.

Another physician and I are working on the possibility of a mature men’s retreat in Oklahoma City, Spring, 2012.  Contact me if interested.

I just did a search on “gay couples + younger and older” not knowing what I expected to find.

I was curious to see what I’d find because honestly, I’ve been beating myself up about this and needed to know who else was out there going through the same thing. I only wanted to read but I now feel compelled to write because I need to tell my story. Thank you for being there.

About a month ago, a young guy flirted with me on one of those gay ‘meet-up’ web sites. We all know men are on there to hook up with each other and I was no different. To be honest, I wasn’t especially attracted to this guy – I’ve seen better photos. And because he’s 24, I didn’t really take him seriously (I’m 46).

However, he persisted, kept texting me back. He really wanted to meet me. Of course, I was flattered.  I’m a very young-looking Italian guy, in very good physical condition; I am an athlete. I have a young kind of outlook on life. I’m optimistic, I love what I do (I’m a teacher and an artist) and I approach the world with excitement and wonder.  At the same time, I have the wisdom that age brings and I know what I want and what I don’t want.

This young guy looked cute enough in photos, but I asked for another face picture because it was difficult to get a sense of his looks.  He texted right away and gave me a link to some more photos. The were very nice. We chatted a few more minutes. He’s a teacher. He’s also an artist. He’s Italian. This settled my doubts. No harm in coming over and meeting. Even if nothing happens, we could have a nice chat about teaching and art and perhaps be friends.

As it turned out, we immediately began kissing and kissed for hours. We took our clothes off and kissed more and we had a very deeply satisfying physical experience. We talked about teaching, what schools we worked at, etc. It was beautiful and I prepared myself to let go as soon as he left because experience has taught me not to expect anything more. Of course we said we’d meet again. It would be nice. But I didn’t count on it. Later that night he sent a message saying that it would be nice to sleep next to me and wake up together. I ‘smiled’ back. I told him I’d like to see him again.

A few days later he sent me a link to his work online (drawings and paintings). A few days after that he sparked up a flirtatious series of text messages about what he liked about me and about my body. Later that night he said he’d told his friends about me. I asked him when I could see him again. We agreed he would come over on Sunday at noon.

I was so taken with him. Mostly because of the things we had in common. Honestly, I was more emotionally attracted to him than physically. It is without pretense or conceit that I say to you that I am more ‘physically’ attractive than he. And because of the context of our meeting (gay, online, hook-up sites), those things matter most. However, once we met and spent time together that afternoon, none of that mattered to me.

I spent the days until Sunday wondering if I could have a relationship with a 24 year old. It seemed absurd. Of course I couldn’t. How would families react? What would friends say? Wouldn’t he be ‘missing’ the key parts of his life that most people experience with others their own age? Meeting mates, dating, marrying, having children, spending holidays with family… Wouldn’t all that be so strange and awkward with a man 20+ years older than he? Would he resent me for knowing things he hadn’t yet learned?

I was getting a bit ahead of myself I guess. I resolved to keep the idea open and see how it progressed on the second meeting, and the third, etc.

On Sunday I waited. Noon time came and went. I texted and asked if he was going to show up. He said something about being called into work (a retail gig he’d held onto on occasion). Then he phoned and we actually spoke. He apologized and said he didn’t want me to think he’d ‘blown me off’. He’d phone me later and we’d arrange something.

It’s been 4 weeks since I heard from him. He hasn’t answered my email. He hasn’t contacted me at all. I am crushed. I might be in love. Mostly I am hurt that I opened myself up to him; allowed myself to entertain the thought that he might actually be a man I could love. I now attribute the entire mess to his immaturity; his inability to accept the idea of being with a man 20 years older. As soon as it seemed as though I was pursuing him (instead of the opposite) he realized the futility of a relationship between us, it seems.

I’m angry and sad. I haven’t stopped thinking about him. And I guess I should just let this all pass. But part of me thinks that I should not let go. Discovering your web site has made me realize that any kind of relationship can work if both parties are wiling to allow it.

Thank you for that. And thank you for reading. It’s been therapeutic for me. It’s helped me gain some perspective.

You are lucky for what you have with your partner.
Sincerely,
Louis

Loren’s Comment:

Don’t give up yet. There are potentially many reasons he has not yet responded.  He also may have some doubts about the realities of making a relationship with an older man work.  He may be experiencing criticism from his family and friends.  Many, many gay men have expressed doubts that these relationships can work.

My own experience would suggest otherwise.  My partner/husband and I have celebrated 25 years together and we have a similar age difference.  We were about the same ages as you mentioned when our relationship began.  We also know of many successful gay couples with similar age differences.

Of course you can’t control whether or not he calls you back, but since you seem quite taken by him, I would encourage you to keep trying, at least until you are no longer interested.  Try not to personalize his failure to respond too much.  It may have much more to do with the circumstances he finds himself in that it does with not caring about you.

Others have comments?

Loren Olson

I had a very sad love story when I was twenty. I had this guy who I met on the Internet. It was a gay dating site where we met. We always had wonderful conversations, all the moments I had with him was amazing. I can say he was the perfect guy for me.  We always chatted. sitting and talking about anything under the sun.

Then he decided to meet me one day; I was surprised when he told me.  He said he was serious. At first I did not believe him. He called me and he said he is coming to Manila and would spend time with me. I cried when I heard it. He even sent me mails that he was coming to Manila, and on the day he promised, gladly he did.

But I did not pick him up in the airport; instead, he wanted to see me in the bus station, and we went home together. I was very happy because I could not imagine, “Is this for real, this guy beside me?”  Before, I only saw him on cam but now he was here! It was the happiest day I guess.

When we arrived at my home, I cooked him adobo.  It was his favorite, he said, so I cooked and we ate together. How romantic. We talked long hours. Then we decided to sleep, I did not know that he only wanted fun, not love.  I lay beside him he said, “Please go to me in bed or you will loose me forever.”

I had a very young mind at that time. We had a great night.  The following morning he said, “I must go to Manila,” and I said him, “I thought you wanted to stay with me for weeks,”  He told me he needed to visit other friends. I said I would go with him, but he refused. It was so sad.

I felt something was wrong.  I felt unwell, and I walked to the rest room and cried. Then the guard asked me if someone had hurt me? It was so sad because my new friend just waved his hand as if to say, “Go away, I am done with you.”

Now, I am still searching for real love. I always make myself busy in school. I hope one day in my life, I will find a better man that will love me. I envy you because you have such a wonderful love-life.

Bart

<strong>Loren’s Comment:</strong>

Please offer your comments to Bart

In Hunterdon County NJ It a great day because college and high school and local towns are doing lot of great thing on National Coming Out Day (NCOD).

The social/support can help you by give you info and a place where you can talk with other gay people. We have high school students, college student, parents and families, and staff from school would come to the social/support so you be able to talk with other people here and hunterdon county nj is one of the safe place for a gay couple to walk the streets and hold hands and onebody will said anything because hunterdon county has lots of gay couple and some have children so if you are look for a place to live then it hunterdon county nj. One of them is The social/ support in Hunterdon County Date: OCT 11 2011 Time 7pm to 9PM Place: NORTH COUNTY BRANCH OF THE HUNTERDON COUNTY LIBRARY 65 Halsted Street, Clinton,NJ 08809 Gay Support Groups Hunterdon County. We have social time and outing and events and some time guest speaker. Open to Gay,Lesbian,Bisexual,Teens,Adults,their friends parents,family members.We have a social time playing games and talk with each other and we some time have speakers.Next Meeting is OCT 11, 2011 (Tue) 7PM to 9PM Quest Speaker Ashley Planned Parent Hood. 7:30pm-9pm general meeting/socialization with potential for dinner at local diner NORTH COUNTY BRANCH OF THE HUNTERDON COUNTY LIBRARY 65 Halsted Street, Clinton,NJ 08809 for other upcoming social/support group go to http://www.glbtofhunterdoncountyofnj.com/ ALSO CHECK WEB SITE FOR NOV GUEST SPEAKER !!! For November check web site we having a good guest speaker. NOV Guest Speaker is Rob De Anthony need a job or look them this is the social/support meeting is for you. You will learn lot of people that are look to hire. Rob De Anthony will come and tlak baout get a job and other great service that Out Youth has to help the young adults you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and straight youth. so please come and listen and make some new friends and you will be happy. First and foremost let us introduce ourselves to you! We are the board of directors of Our Youth and we are writing in regards to our non profit organization and your great company. Our Youth is a non profit organization designed to help gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and straight youth (ranging from 15-21) in the New York / New Jersey area. Our Youth assists the young adults with job placement, college assistants, offering FREE & confidential HIV testing referrals as well as home cooked meals and a weekly support group. Besides providing services within the Our Youth Center we are also out in the community feeding the homeless, walking to find a cure for a certain disease, as well as volunteering at any event we are needed. Gay support groups in NJ http://www.gaysupportgroupsnj.com/ Gay forum: http://gaysupportgroups.wordpress.com/

In response to this decision, I decided to write an essay about what it was like, and it has been a popular essay on the Psychology Today web site.  Here is an introduction to the essay and a link to the entire article:  “Door Knob Revelations.”

As therapists, we’ve all learned that our patients reveal their most painful conflicts during the last thirty seconds of a session, just when they are ready to leave the office. Often they already have their hand on the door knob. Recently I experienced this rather dramatically as I terminated with a woman I had seen for about 25 years.

I first saw this woman, now in her mid-seventies, during some of the darkest hours of her life. I treated her for major depression with a combination of medication and psychodynamic psychotherapy. During more recent years her symptoms remitted, so I saw her only every three or four months for about twenty minutes to renew her medications and to catch up on her life.

At the beginning of her final session with me, she initiated our meeting by saying, “Dr. Olson, I read your book [Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight, a Psychiatrist's Own Story]. I learned a lot more about you than I needed to know!” With some anguish in her voice, she asked, “Why did you do that?”

I told her that I felt I needed to reveal some of the most private details of my struggle with my sexual orientation in order for the reader to connect with me. I wanted the reader to know that I understand from the inside what the experience of coming out in mid-life is like. I wanted to convey that I had experienced how difficult it is to let go of an inauthentic life for one that is more true to oneself.

I also told her that I could not have written it earlier in my professional life because I would not have wanted my patients to know me in such a deeply personal way. I now realize that writing Finally Out was my own career door knob revelation.

After spending most of her time processing what her treatment experience with me had been like, in the last thirty seconds she stood up to leave and said, “I’ve always thought I might be a lesbian.” After 25 years and countless hours together, it was only then that she finally felt comfortable enough to reveal to me her long held secret. Then she asked if it would be appropriate to give me a hug, thanked me, and left my office for the final time.

To read the rest of the article, click here.

I am currently 18 and I am dating someone 33. I was totally out and strong-willed about my sexuality since sixteen.

I agree with many views in this blog/review. Ever since I remember I’ve always been attracted to older men or bears. To me the age is only a number. Love has nothing to do with an age.

When I told my mom I liked bears or older men, it was definitely like coming out twice. My mom couldn’t wrap her head around the idea until I told her love isn’t a age or number. And she went on talking about how you both wouldn’t be financially intertwined.

Last time I checked money or age didn’t have to do with love. I am not looking for a sugar daddy. She now understands after three months of dating my older boyfriend.

Loren’s Comment:

Good for you in being so strong and confident about your sexual orientation. I often hear from gay men who come out twice, once as gay, once as someone who prefers intergenerational relationships.

Sugar daddies — and young “trophy” men seeking them — certainly do exist. However, many younger men — like you — resent the implication that they can’t or don’t want to take care of themselves. Older men can also be guilty of needing to be a sugar daddy, i.e. for their own self-esteem, they have a need to take care of someone whom they perceive as weaker or less capable.  (Obviously, it is true in some cases that the younger may make far more money than the older.)

Intergenerational relationships can be quite stable but it is my belief that stability is contingent upon the fact that the relationship not be based upon the older “taking care of” the younger (or the younger taking care of the older in some cases). In fact, I would go so far as to say that taking care of someone to a greater extent than they need to be taken care of, de-humanizes them. And an older man who feels that his relationship is contingent upon his deep pockets will never feel secure that he is being loved for the right reasons.

One of the issues that frequently comes up in these relationships, however, is an income disparity. The older man typically may be more financially secure and have more disposable income than the younger man. In other words, the older man may be fully capable of “taking care of” the younger.

It can cause conflict if the older man is used to a lifestyle that is inaccessible to the younger man. For example, the older man might be able to afford a home or vacations that would have been beyond the reach of the younger. The dilemma: The older may not wish to sacrifice those things; the younger may not be able to afford them.

My partner and I have 15 years difference in our ages, and we have been together 25 years now. I have always been able to provide a better income than he. However, we recognized how important it was for him to be able to feel that he was contributing his fair share. Early in our relationship, we made an agreement that we would share our expenses based on our individual contribution to total household income.

Basically, if I earned 75% and he earned 25%, he would pay for dinner or movies every fourth night out. After we had been together a while, this formula was much more relaxed and we now think of all of our income and expenses as “our” income and expenses. But early on, it did give us some guidelines for how we could each feel good about what we were contributing to support our relationship without either of us feeling we were contributing too much or too little.