We live in a society where we are bombarded with expressions of sexuality while at the same time we hear other messages telling us that we must always have it under control. This blog post was originally published on Medscape Blogs:

The Validity of “Sexual Addiction”: Chasing a TigerNassir Ghaemi, MD, Psychiatry/Mental Health, 03:17PM Feb 6, 2010

Nassir Ghaemi, MD, MPH, is Professor of Psychiatry at Tufts University School of Medicine and Director of the Mood Disorders and Psychopharmacology Programs at Tufts Medical Center.

Everyone is writing about Tiger Woods, and I am not at all inclined to join in – but I suppose I will. The casual use of the concept of “sexual addiction” in relation to his recent diagnosis and treatment may warrant some internal dialogue among psychiatrists. I write these notes not to persuade but to raise questions and see if other colleagues are not wondering similarly.

I don’t know the right answer, but it seems to me that this is yet another part of psychiatry where the lapidary use of popular phrases hardly clarifies.

Steven Monjez Tiwonge Chimbalanga

Initially, I only looked at the faces of the couple. As I looked at it again I saw that instead of being bound together by a ceremony based on their love for each other, they are hand cuffed together because their relationship has been criminalized in a country where heterosexuality is compulsory.

As I returned to look at it again, I began to search the faces of those men surrounding the vehicle. The looks of hatred and derision are apparent. Family values conservatives are fond of saying that they hate the sin but love the sinner; I don’t see any love in those faces.

Ugandan Newspaper

The Ugandan government is considering a bill, the “Anti-Homosexuality Bill, 2009” that proposes the following:

1. Anyone charged with the offense of aggravated homosexuality will undergo HIV testing, and all those found to be HIV positive are subject to the death penalty.
2. Death sentences of “serial (homosexual) offenders.”
3. Life sentences for anyone convicted of a homosexual act.
4. Seven years in prison for anyone who “aids, abets, counsels or procures another to engage in acts of homosexuality.”
5. Three years in prison for anyone with religious, poitical, economic or social authority who fails to report anyone violating the act.
6. Seven years in prison for family and friends who fail to report homosexuals to authorities.
7. Seven years in prison for landlords who rent rooms or homes to homosexuals.

Discrimination against homosexuals has reached such a level that the few who are open about their sexual orientation are encouraging others not to come out so they can avoid the consequences. Uganda had been successful in lowering the incidence of HIV from just under 30% to a little over 5%, but now those working in HIV prevention could be subject to imprisonment.

Six months ago, my partner and I were legally married in Iowa after almost 24 years together. Three hundred guests came to celebrate our commitment in a joyous celebration.

Recently, when registering for a medical procedure, the receptionist saw Doug’s name listed as my spouse, and she asked, “Is Doug your husband?” I was surprised by the question because I am still not used to hearing him referred to in that way, but also because she asked me without a trace of surprise or judgment in her voice. Sometimes, I forget how good I have it.

To be sure, things aren’t so good for everyone in the United States, nor have they always been so good for us in Iowa. Several years ago a friend of mine, Ken, was murdered by two men who picked him up in a gay cruising area in Des Moines. During the trial one of them testified that homosexuals deserved to die for their behavior. I can only imagine that the looks on their faces as they stabbed Ken to death, were similar to the looks of the men in that first photo.

I hear everyday from people throughout the world about their lives as gay men. A married father from India begged me to tell help him find a way to make his homosexual attractions stop. A Muslim from Indonesia who is planning to get married because his religion expects it of him. An Asian immigrant who feels he must choose between ethnicity and sexuality; he cannot tell his family he is gay because he fears rejection by his family and the entire immigrant community. An black man from the South who says that he cannot come out because “The South expects certain things of you, and being gay isn’t one of them.”

Yes, I certainly am blessed to have a family, church and community who are supportive.

Gay boomers know what it is like to have been raised in a world that rejected us for our sexual orientation. In Idaho in the 1950’s there was a witch hunt for men “who were infecting” boy with homosexuality. J. Edgar Hoover — rumored to have been a cross-dresser — spent 35 years chasing Adlai Stevenson around the world trying to prove that he was homosexual because he hated Stevenson’s liberal politics. In the 1960’s a CBS Report said that homosexuals are incapable of relationships other than a series of one night stands.

The extreme criminal penalties proposed in the bill further marginalize men who have sex with men (MSM,) a community that is already criminalized in Uganda, as well as highly stigmatized and vulnerable to HIV infection.

As a physician I am concerned about the public health issues because the harsh penalties in this bill will jeopardize relationships of people with HIV and their health care providers and drive MSM underground, frightening them into silence and accelerating the risks of HIV transmission.

It is distressing to me that much of what is occurring in Uganda is a consequence of encouragement of American religious conservatives just as they are attacking us here in the United States. I have struggled myself to reconcile my own Christianity with these attitudes until I found a church which embraces diversity and affirms the dignity of every person and “celebrates all loving and committed relationships.”

Not everyone feels the need for religion, and many say, “I am spiritual, just not religious.” I used to say that myself, but I needed the grounding I found in my religious faith, but for a long time it seemed I would have to choose between religion and sexual orientation.

I feel very lucky indeed. I have found someone to love, and I have a family and community who support us. I have found a church which honors our relationship and married us. I live in a state where it is possible for us to legally be husband and husband.

At the same time, I cannot remove the sadness I feel for others less fortunate than I.

It is interesting to contrast their lives with a young Southerner who placed this (slightly edited) ad on Craig’s List, under “Men Seeking Men”:

Are there any other bi/closeted/gay (RED) NECKS like me around? I’m lookin for the real deal. Lookin for friends…more if we are alright together. Someone who likes to hunt, fish, mud, etc. Someone who smokes cigs, or dips, or both because I do both. Someone who if you were to come over to the house, no one would be able to tell. If you’re over 30 dont hesitate to respond, we just couldn’t hang out at the house with the buds. I ain’t out nor do I wanna be and I ain’t sayin a damn thang to anybody. SO YES DISCRETION IS A MUST!

Money wasn’t enough to help Lord Browne of Madingley, formerly Chief Executive of British Petroleum (BP) who was forced to resign when it was discovered that he had a relationship with Jeff Chevalier, a gay escort he’d met on a site called, “Suited and Booted.”

For several years, even though his homosexuality was something of an open secret, Lord Browne had refused to admit he was gay because he believed that the world of the corporate petroleum industry would not have been accepting of it.

Lord Madingley was alleged to have misused BP resource by making substantial payments to Chevalier, establishing him in luxury accommodations, taking him on holidays, purchasing clothes for him and establishing him in a business. Lord Browne was exposed as a liar, humiliating himself in the process. He is now in a relationship with a man and says that he is now feeling liberated even beyond the obvious ways.

Gay Malawi couple, imprisoned

In rural areas of Africa, as well as many rural areas throughout the United States and the rest of the world, there is an even greater requirement for hetero-normativity. The rural masculinity model means not only being heterosexually partnered but often includes a need to over-compensate by having multiple partners, particularly heterosexual ones.Because of this, many stay “imprisoned” in a heterosexual relationships they would rather not be in.

Resolving conflicts about sexual orientation is complex, and various closets exist within distinct and diverse cultures and societies. For those who are part of communities in rural America, immigrant populations and fundamentalist religions, three key institutions are involved: Home, church and school.
Homosexuality may be seen as a temptation by the devil, and may be seen differently depending upon whether or not one is the penetrative or non-penetrative partner. It may be seen as pernicious and threatening, but if it is a sin, thus forgivable, and it is said that Baptists love a repentant sinner.

Although Islam and Christianity, especially the most fundamentalist congregations, have fueled much of the bigotry toward the gay community, giving up ties to religious traditions is too much for some. When those religions see homosexuality as behaviors which are forgivable rather than identity which is immutable, they believe that through the power of prayer and healing, those behaviors can be, must be, changed.

In resolving the conflict about sexual orientation and disclosure of it, the place where each life intersects with his religious and cultural tradition is often the most challenging to resolve. Two things are true: 1. Same sex attraction is not going to go away, and despite their claims, reparative therapy can not make that happen, and 2. For the most part, religions are uncompromising on the issue of homosexuality.

But failing to address the conflict is not a resolution of the conflict. It often simply leads to living a pretence and continuing to engage in illicit sex in sleazy, clandestine venues like public parks and restrooms, exposing oneself and one’s partner to disease, the risks of public humiliation, and reinforcing a sense of shame and guilt.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

LGBT Issues and End-of-Life Care

Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender seniors can face unique challenges at the end of life. Some recent news items and a new documentary highlight these concerns:

In Minnesota, same-sex couples are advocating for a law to protect the rights of surviving members of domestic partnerships to make end-of-life care decisions.

The Hartford Advocate (CT) writes about a home care and hospice agency that is starting a bereavement support group specifically for gays, lesbians, transgenders and bisexuals.

In Massachusetts, a nursing home specifically for LGBT seniors is opening this month Chelsea.

This documentary, Gen Silent, explores the fear of discrimination that causes some LGBT seniors to hide their orientation as they age.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV3O8qz6Y5g&feature=player_embedded#

Graham is a 60-something graphic designer and video producer who lives in Vancouver, B. C., Canada. He is gay, out for the last 40 years, and has always been aware of his sexual differences. He is doing research into the value of drawing and art in the cognitive development during the early years of childhood, and how that plays out in adults.

Here is my response to Graham’s question: Thanks for getting in touch with me again. Well, Let’s see if I can clarify it, because it suggests I haven’t explained myself very well. The “necessary” is clear, i.e. the biological basis

Don’t know if this has helped clarify the issue. Loren Olson

Graham’s response:

Hi Loren

P.S. I attended an information presentation byJeff Sheng, photographer of high school and college gay athletic students, who are out to their teams. He has also has a book of out military personal, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. This made me think to ask that in your book will you be covering how different demographics within the midlife might handle the whole concept of being gay? For example, is there a difference how a retired military person handles “gay” compared with how a plumber or whatever?

The MetLife Mature Market Institute’s 2006 “Out and Aging” report on gay and lesbian boomers found that 27% reported “great concern about discrimination as they age.” Less than half expressed strong confidence that health care professionals will treat them “with dignity and respect.” Fears of insensitive and discriminatory treatment by health care professionals are particularly strong among lesbians: 12% said they have “absolutely no confidence that they will be treated respectfully.”

The LGBT community faces difficult issues as they age. The support system isn’t always there. They are less likely to have adult children to care for them, and they may have been ostracized by family members, leaving them to contend with their own care. Without the benefit of domestic partner laws, gay couples face more red tape in securing benefits for their partners.

To see the rest of this article, check out Silver Planet.

Michael-in-Norfolk—Coming Out in Mid Life is written by a gay attorney in a committed relationship who came out in mid-life. He was formerly married and is the father of three children.

This time, the research and evidence disproves the bullshit line heard over and over again that "it takes a mother and a father to raise a child." It may be a convenient line for those who seek to impose their religious views on all, but it's just not true.

First, a new book, Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children: Research on the Family Life Cycle has been published and lauded by the American Psychological Association. It’s findings? That the outcomes and well-being of children raised by gay and lesbian parents are no different than those of children raised by heterosexual parents. Here are some highlights from the Windy City News based on an APA press release:

Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children: Research on the Family Life Cycle is the first book-length review and analysis of research on parenting by gay and lesbians and suggests that the outcomes well-being of their children are no different than those raised by heterosexual parents.

Goldberg’s new book is the first full-length analysis of the research on gay parenting, summarizing research data on the subject from the 1970’s to the present day. The research is consistent in suggesting that the outcomes and well-being of children raised by gay and lesbian parents are no different than those of children raised by heterosexual parents.

Lesbian and Gay Parents and Their Children: Research on the Family Life Cycle provides a comprehensive review of recent research in a way that engages the perspectives of both the children and the parents who live in lesbian/gay-parent households. Also included are topics rarely discussed in the research studies to date, such as: divorce/relationship dissolution in lesbian/gay-parent households; the perspectives of non-heterosexual children of lesbian/gay parents.

Similar conclusions were reached by researchers looking at the issue of the fitness of gays as adoptive parents contrasted with straight couples. Again, I suspect that the Christianists will continue their same old lies and try to dupe the ignorant into believing their anti-gay propaganda. Hopefully, judges and child welfare agencies will open their eyes and believe legitimate researches as opposed to those who have no support for their views except bogus “experts” and religious dogma. Here are highlights from Rueters:

NEW YORK (Reuters Life!) – Gay or straight, the sexual orientation of adoptive parents does not have an impact on the emotional development of their children, according to a new study. But researchers said that if parents were satisfied with the adoption process, had a stable income and functioned well as a family the risk of emotional problems in children were reduced.

“We found that sexual orientation of the adoptive parents was not a significant predictor of emotional problems,” Paige Averett, an assistant professor of social work at East Carolina University, said in a statement.

Averett, Blace Nalavany, also of East Carolina University, and Scott Ryan, dean of the University of Texas School of Social Work, questioned nearly 1,400 couples in the United States, including 155 gay and lesbian parents. They used information from Florida’s public child welfare system and data from gay and lesbian couples throughout the U.S. for the study.

The researchers said the findings, which are reported in the journal Adoption Quarterly, are important because it compared gay and lesbian and heterosexual couples. “There are implications for social work educators, adoption professionals, and policy makers in this and other recent studies,” said Averett. “We must pay attention to the data indicating that gay and lesbian parents are as fit as heterosexual parents to adopt,” Averett added, “because at least 130,000 children are depending on us to act as informed advocates on their behalf.”

I love the fact that the evidence keeps on building that proves the anti-gay histrionics of James Dobson, Tony Perkins, and their faux experts are lies, plain and simple. The religious based bigotry of the Christianist has no place in setting public policy which needs to be based on science and objective fact. If only more of our elected officials would wake up to this fact. Are you listening Bob McDonnell and Ken Cuccinelli? I suspect not.

Father’s Day With Two Dads

MSNBC has a nice artilce that will no doubt cause Christianists to foam at the mouth and go into one of their sanctimonious snits. It looks at a gay couple who adopted three brothers who came from a nightmare family situation and who probably would not have been able to have been raised as siblings – assuming they could even be placed for adoption – but for these generous men.

Having had a father who was raised in an orphanage, I am well aware of the emotional cost a child/adult bears if not raised in a loving family situation. Yet, the Christianists would prefer that children be left in orphanages or shuffled from foster home to foster home rather than have children raised by gay and lesbian couples.

To me, this mindset shows that they value their own prejudice more than what is best for children like the boys featured in the story. I would laso note that of the gay adoptive parents that I know, most have adopted children with mutiple problems who would otherwise never have been adopted and some have spent huge amounts of securing proper medical care for their children. Here are some highlights:

But Father’s Day will be a double celebration at their house because the brothers have two daddies — Geoffery and Devin, foster parents for the boys for three years before adopting them. “All we’re trying to do is raise three healthy boys to be participants in society,” said Geoffery, Devin’s partner for a decade.

That’s a modest description for what the county judge who finalized the adoption in December called an act of heroism.

The boys, taken from substance-abusing and incarcerated biological parents, faced long odds against growing up together. Given their treatment by the birth parents, there were far more questions than answers about physical and emotional issues that might arise for them down the road. “You are heroes in our community,”

Judge Mary Yu said, beaming from the bench while the boys frolicked about the courtroom, the whole family decked out in red-and-white Mickey Mouse ski sweaters. “Who’s going to assume the burden of taking care of children like this, children who possibly have been neglected or set aside in some way? … People like you, who step up. Thank you.”

While the adoption was facilitated by the state and lauded by the legal system in Western Washington, it would have been prohibited by law in some other states simply because Devin and Geoffery are gay.

The twins have an array of issues related to their early childhood, including diagnoses of post traumatic stress disorder and probable attention deficit disorder. One was recently diagnosed with a fetal alcohol condition and they expect the other will be as well. “We go to therapy a lot,” Devin said.

While the men prefer to avoid unnecessary conflict with people who reject their lifestyle (they ask doctors, day-care providers and others in advance if they have issues with gay families), they are irritated by the judgment gay parents sometimes face and acknowledge that they try to set a good example that “gay people can do this,” said Devin.

“Where do the (foster) children come from?” Geoffery asked. “They come from dysfunctional, broken, heterosexual families. … If you took all of the children away from gay and lesbian parents in the United States today, what would the foster system look like?”

However, six states — Florida, Michigan, Mississippi, Nebraska, North Dakota and Utah — maintain some sort of bans on adoption or foster parenting by gays and lesbians. The restrictions are not based on any data or cases about gay parenting. For instance, the Florida law, passed in 1977, was intended to send a message to gay people that “we’re really tired of you” and “we wish you’d go back into the closet,” its sponsor, state Sen. Curtis Peterson, said at the time.

Anonymous commented…

Hi Michael,

There’s a cute children’s book out called, “One Dad, Two Dads, Brown Dad, Blue Dads” by Johnny Valentine. Do you know it? It’s worth getting.

Keep up the good work!
14 June, 2008

This guest post was written by Peter C. Frank and originally posted on his blog, Peter’s Place, on December 31, 2009, as, “A New Decade, Unconditional Love.” Peter is a 30-something, single, gay man living in the suburbs of New York City. He is disabled, and a GOP LGBT political activist who loves to snuggle.

Approximately one decade ago, Westchester County
where I live, was debating the passage of legislation that would establish its own Human Rights Law/Commission. The proposed legislation was extremely controversial because it included “sexual orientation” as a protected class–something the New York State law did not do at the time.

As someone who has been politically involved since high school and active in the LGBTQ rights movement, I wrote a letter to the editors of our local newspaper in support of the passage of the county’s proposed Human Rights Law. For whatever reason, somewhere around 90% of the letters to editors that I write actually get published, and this was no exception.

My letter appeared in the local paper, signed with my name and village of residence. My grandmother was very frail of health. At that time she’d had four major coronary infarctions and a series of minor strokes, along with the usual health problems associated with someone who is approaching their 80th birthday and had been smoking for over 60 years. She came into my room carrying the newspaper. While not bed-ridden, she didn’t often get out of bed except to use the facilities and go to doctor’s appointments.

She asked me how I could be so stupid as to have such a letter published with my name and location. I was very puzzled by her reaction, as she had tears in her eyes. I had already come out to her by this point, so it’s not like she didn’t about my being gay. I asked her what the big deal was.

She told me that there are very crazy people in the world and having my name and location published, someone could be hiding in the bushes outside of our house and attack me for being gay, or come by the house and throw rocks at me, or while I’m out and about someone could try to kill me. It was a cause of great consternation for her that I would be harmed by one of these crazy people.

I responded by telling my grandmother that it was she who instilled in me the values to stand up for what I believe in, to exercise my rights as guaranteed to me in the United States Constitution, and not to back down when I know I am fighting a just and worthy cause.

My grandmother hugged me, told me that she loved me, and urged that I be cautious and safe. She said she would pray that I not ever fall into harm’s way because of who I am, and advised that she would be worrying over me whenever I left the house, a promise she kept. Whenever I left, she wouldn’t go to sleep until I returned home safe and sound.

A few days later, a public hearing was being held on the proposed Human Rights Law. I was getting ready to leave the house, and my grandmother asked me where I was going. I told her that I was going to speak in support of the law at the public hearing. I had to explain a bit what was going on. She asked me if I could wait five minutes, and I said I would.

Less than five minutes later, my grandmother had her purse and winter coat, and told me that she was coming with me despite her frail health. There was nothing I could do to change her mind, so I brought her along to the public hearing.

We arrived a bit late, but not too late. We took seats near the front. When the legislators asked if anyone else wished to speak, I began to rise but my grandmother put her arm on me to keep me seated and instead rose herself and approached the podium.

At the podium, my grandmother relayed how she read my letter to the editor in the newspaper, and how scared she was for my safety. She told the legislators that she was a devout Roman Catholic, but that I was her grandson and she loved me no matter who I was or what I did. She implored the legislators to pass the Human Rights Law, so that she could stop worrying about the safety of her grandson and not have to worry that he would be fired from a job for being who he was.

I had absolutely no idea that “Grams” was going to do this. Tears filled my eyes — just as they are now as I recount these events. It was then, right there in the public hearing, that I came to know the true meaning of “Unconditional Love.” I couldn’t have been more proud, happy, or loved than I was at that point in time, until now.

The past decade has been a roller coaster of events that have affected me in various ways. Let’s view the events that have affected me over the past decade.

Be sure to check out Peter’s blog, “Peter’s Place.”

Michael of Michael's Thoughts

This post is by “Michael,” who is a gay rights advocate, blogger and a happy-to-be-gay man, living, loving, and thinking about life in Boston and beyond. He has been together with his husband, Patrick, for over 11 years, and they have been married since 2006. Be sure to check out his blog, Michael’s Thoughts